


drama queen

by subsequence



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angsty Twenty-Somethings, Enemies to Lovers, First Meetings, Humor, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Past Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, jaehwan is a mess and taekwoon is a drama queen, side rabin, y'all it's a college au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2018-11-07 04:59:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 69,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11051829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subsequence/pseuds/subsequence
Summary: The first words Taekwoon hears out of Jaehwan's mouth are, “Goddamn,there are a lot of yellow people here.”It's essentially downhill from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a million thanks to the ever-wonderful [min](http://twitter.com/seokangjoonie) for reading this over for me and also listening to my constant screaming about vixx ♡ you're a doll and i love and appreciate you!!

The first words Taekwoon hears out of Lee Jaehwan's mouth are, “God _damn,_ there are a lot of yellow people here.”

Taekwoon is in the first row of seats in the auditorium when Jaehwan bursts in through the back doors and delivers this proclamation. His head whips around so fast he feels a twinge in his neck, but he has to see who the hell says something like that at a liberal arts school in the middle of Southern California —

When his eyes light on the troublemaker standing with his hands on his hips and surveying the auditorium like it's his domain, Taekwoon tries to reign in a scowl. Okay, so internalized racism, then, judging by appearance. Still, it makes Taekwoon's skin crawl. The only time he's ever been called _yellow_ is that one time his high school show choir went to a competition in Missouri, and he'd almost punched the guy's lights out.

Taekwoon turns to Hakyeon, expecting that he'll be ready to share what everyone else in the program calls their “theater-married bitch glare.”

He's taken by surprise when Hakyeon stands up and beams at this — this _hooligan_ who's wearing _cowboy boots_ and says phrases like _yellow people._

“Jaehwannie!” Hakyeon calls, waving enthusiastically as if he isn't right there anyway.

Taekwoon turns back to the front and sinks down in his chair. Wonderful. Hakyeon knows the delinquent.

“Hey there, Hakyeon,” Jaehwan replies, his voice husky and warm with just the slightest twang. “Did I say something wrong? Everyone's looking at me like I just kicked a kitten.”

Hakyeon snorts. “Well, it's just—you do realize you _are_ one of the 'yellow people,' right?”

Taekwoon turns around to watch Jaehwan's reaction, just in time to see him blink and shrug. “I mean, yeah? Trust me, growing up in Texas generally makes you pretty damn aware if you're not white.”

Hakyeon sighs and waves Jaehwan over. “Come here and fix the terrible first impression you've just made on the theater program.”

Jaehwan saunters up to the front and, without sparing a glance at the rest of them, hops up on stage and turns to face them with a wide grin that's just this side of too sharp. “So I'm Jaehwan.”

Hakyeon clears his throat loudly and there are a few scattered _hi Jaehwan_ s through the students in the seats.

Jaehwan chuckles. “This feels like an AA meeting. Don't worry y'all, I don't have a drinking problem. I'm just fun.”

Taekwoon can hear Hakyeon's exasperated sigh. “Tell us a little about yourself, since you're the only one new this semester.”

“Aw, man,” Jaehwan pouts. “No new freshies transferring during spring semester?”

“Not into the theater program,” Taekwoon says, his voice soft as usual despite the irritation prickling at the back of his neck.

“A damn shame,” Jaehwan says with a shake of his head. “I do so love corrupting the youth.”

“I thought you were here because your old school kicked you out for doing that,” Hakyeon says drily. Shock runs through Taekwoon's chest and he makes a mental note to ask Hakyeon about that later because _what the actual hell_?

“Yeah, that's how you know I love it,” Jaehwan says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. “Anyway—hey y'all, I'm Jaehwan, I'm an Aries and I like long walks on the beach and worshipping Satan.”

Taekwoon scowls, but he can hear several giggles from the audience behind him. He definitely picks out Sanghyuk's snicker and he has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. For god knows what reason, Hakyeon has decided the sun shines out of the freshman's ass and he apparently can do no wrong—all this, despite the fact that Sanghyuk is a notorious player who's slept with at least one member of every single sorority house on campus.

“All right, edgelord, “ Hakyeon says. “I think that's enough of the spotlight for you today.”

“How will I live?” Jaehwan says, dramatically swooning as he takes the steps down and off the stage. “You know I'm like Tinker Bell. If you don't constantly tell me you believe in me, I'll literally die.”

“Oh no, what a tragedy,” Hakyeon says, not sounding put out at all. “Get off the stage, you've already wasted most of the time we had.”

Jaehwan slumps into the seat right next to Taekwoon, who does his best to look wholly uninteresting and unworthy of conversation.

Unfortunately it doesn't work. Jaehwan leans close to him and whispers, “So, what's the likelihood of me scoring the lead in this musical on a scale of one to ten, with one being 'you might have to actually make an effort' and ten being 'the part's already yours?'“

Taekwoon straightens in his seat indignantly. “Zero,” he says coldly.

Instead of knocking the smile off Jaehwan's face like Taekwoon had hoped, his response just makes Jaehwan throw back his head and laugh. “Ice queen. Duly noted.”

“I hope you two already know all the audition information,” Hakyeon interrupts, his voice sweet and sharp as blown sugar. “Because I'm not repeating it.”

Taekwoon knows Hakyeon doesn't actually mean it—for all his slightly violent tendencies, Hakyeon is essentially soft, especially if Taekwoon pesters him all the way back to their shared apartment.

Jaehwan seems to know this about Hakyeon too, giving him an over-exaggerated apologetic look. The familiarity between them pokes again at the irritation building in Taekwoon's gut, stoking it into something worse, something uglier that Taekwoon doesn't want to examine too closely.

It makes Taekwoon almost jump out of his skin when Jaehwan abruptly stands up, stretching his hands over his head and yawning widely. It makes Taekwoon want to sucker punch him, just to see the smug look knocked off his face for once.

It takes a few seconds for Taekwoon to realize that the reason Jaehwan stood up is because Hakyeon had dismissed the general information meeting. Everyone was standing and side-stepping their ways down the aisles toward the stage to pick up fliers with audition dates, expectations, all the usual nonsense that Taekwoon's had on lock since freshman year.

Taekwoon doesn't stand, opting instead to hunch over in his chair and wait for the room to clear out. Hakyeon gathers up the last few pieces of paper left and walks over to him.

“Why're you brooding here?” he asks, pulling a binder out of his bag and neatly placing the leftover fliers into a page protector.

“I was waiting for you,” Taekwoon mumbles. “And I'm not brooding.” He sticks an expectant hand out toward Hakyeon, who sighs and pulls out one of the pages for him.

“You're a child, you know that?” he reprimands, but there's no real bite to his voice. “And if you're not brooding, then what _are_ you doing?”

“I told you,” Taekwoon says stubbornly. “I was waiting for you.”

Hakyeon stares at him for a few seconds before apparently deciding it's not worth pursuing. He holds a hand out to Taekwoon, helping him stand so they can walk out of the auditorium together. “So, what'd you think of Jaehwan?”

Taekwoon feels himself pull a face and Hakyeon laughs, slapping his arm. “You liked him that much, huh?”

“He's an asshole,” Taekwoon says simply.

“You don't even know him,” Hakyeon admonishes him.

“I know enough.”

“Listen, that's you assuming things, and you know that when we assume it just makes an ass —”

“— out of you and me,” Taekwoon says tiredly. “I know. But come on, Hakyeon. He walks in like he owns the place and then treats it like it's all some — some _joke —_ ”

“He's just kind of a flippant guy,” Hakyeon says defensively. “He's not bad, honestly. He's been through some shit, but —”

“Oh, yeah, that reminds me,” Taekwoon interrupts. “He was expelled? What the _hell?_ ”

“Yeah, he went to this private Christian school.”

“How do you even know him, then?”

Hakyeon shrugs. “We met online.”

Taekwoon gives Hakyeon a horrified look. “You met him online and you just _trust_ him?”

Hakyeon shifts the weight of his backpack from one shoulder to the other and sighs. “It's — it's really not that black and white, Taekwoonie. We talked, I saw his face, I knew him before I told him to come here —”

“Hold up.” Taekwoon stops dead in his tracks. “What do you mean?”

“What?”

“You _told_ him to come here?”

“Taekwoon.” Hakyeon sounds exasperated now. “It's like I told you — he's been through some shit. And I'm not just gonna stand here and let you shit on him because of a bad first impression. So do you think you can find the emotional maturity to, I don't know, give him a chance at least?”

Taekwoon crosses his arms awkwardly. “I — I guess when you put it that way.”

Hakyeon throws an arm around Taekwoon's shoulder, a familiar warmth that calms some of the jitters in Taekwoon's chest. “Hey, it's gonna be okay, you know that?” When Taekwoon nods, Hakyeon continues, “I'm gonna take care of you. Promise. Jaehwan isn't going to change that.”

Taekwoon shifts his weight, staring down at his shoes. “I didn't say anything was going to change.”

“You didn't have to. You think I've lived with you since freshman year and I don't know how to read you?” Hakyeon teases.

Taekwoon mumbles under his breath, but he knows he doesn't have a good response to that.

Hakyeon claps him on the shoulder. “C'mon, let's go home.”

Taekwoon lets him link their arms together and march them back to their apartment. He squeezes Hakyeon's arm slightly, taking comfort in the warmth and strength. _Just give the guy a chance,_ he tells himself. _For Hakyeon's sake._

 

 

* * *

 

 

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Hey did you hear about the musical choice??

**Taekwoon**  
not yet

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Well I suppose you could say I got my way ;)

**Taekwoon**  
oh god is it the genderbend of wicked you’ve been planning since freshman year

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Unfortunately that’s still too radical for our particular theater department :(

**Taekwoon**  
i guess someone out there is watching out for us

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Fuck you, that performance would be legendary.  
I guess it’s just the price of genius to be constantly second-guessed and misunderstood.

**Taekwoon**  
i’m sure that’s what it is  
so what’s the musical if it’s not your vaguely misogynistic monstrosity

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
1\. I am not misogynistic. I am a good gay.  
2\. You have to guess!! That’s the fun part~~~

**Taekwoon**  
the fuck am i supposed to know  
did you pick something that would give you an advantage as the lead

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Such as???

**Taekwoon**  
idfk  
is it the book of mormon  
so you can be your earnest self and get applause for it instead of people ignoring you

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Fuck you too.  
And no, I didn’t pick a musical with myself in mind because I believe in acting for the good of the theater program as a whole.

**Taekwoon**  
that’s a cute line

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
>:(  
Ugh fine, since you’re going to be a party pooper.  
We’re doing bare: a pop opera!!

**Taekwoon**  
sorry  
am i supposed to know what that is

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
It’s only an iconic modern musical!!

**Taekwoon**  
okay hold on a sec i’m gonna google it  
hakyeon.  
this thing didn’t even make it to broadway

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
So?? That doesn’t mean it isn’t amazing.

**Taekwoon**  
how did you even find this

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
As a member of the LGBT community, I feel responsible for keeping up to date with representative media.

**Taekwoon**  
...ok  
so that means this is a gay musical  
like even gayer than normal musicals

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
I don’t know what exactly you mean but yes.

**Taekwoon**  
tell me something hakyeon  
how many gays are dead at the end of the musical

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
You can’t judge it just by that!!

**Taekwoon**  
so at least one of the leads is toast

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Why are you the way you are??

**Taekwoon**  
i wasn’t hugged enough as a child

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Oh no baby :((

**Taekwoon**  
that was a joke

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Go to hell, Taekwoon.

**Taekwoon**  
i’m your roommate, i’m already there

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
RUDE!!!

**Taekwoon**  
anyway so there are two gay leads and one of them bites it  
anything else to know?

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Why should I even talk to you after what you’ve said to me??

**Taekwoon**  
because you have to talk to someone about it or you’ll explode

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Huff.  
Maybe I’ll just talk to Jaehwan then, if you’re going to be a brat about it.

**Taekwoon**  
the fuck??  
what does that even mean  
??????

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Calm down, Taekwoonie.  
To quote you, that’s a joke.

**Taekwoon**  
kind of a shitty joke then

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Just as good as yours.

**Taekwoon**  
whatever.

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Sweetheart…  
Is everything okay??

**Taekwoon**  
yeah why wouldn’t it be

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Never mind.  
So the musical.

**Taekwoon**  
yeah

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
So you have Peter and Jason as your two leads.  
Peter is a little more stereotypically gay, Jason is more of a jock. They’re closeted boyfriends at a Catholic high school.

**Taekwoon**  
wow this isn’t even a little bit cliche or anything

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Shut up, I’m talking.

**Taekwoon**  
it’s over text it’s not like i’m talking over you

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
What part of “shut up, I’m talking” did you not understand??  
Anyway, Peter essentially gets tired of hiding but Jason is a lot more wary about it because he’s his family’s golden boy.  
Also it’s a play within a play because they’re all auditioning for their high school performance of Romeo and Juliet.  
And there are so many parallels and so much symbolism OMG Taekwoon

**Taekwoon**  
that last sentence you sent  
it’s giving me a headache

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
What do you mean??

**Taekwoon**  
you seem like a real adult when you talk about symbolism and shit  
but then you break out the omg  
you even capitalized it like a 2010 don’t text and drive psa

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Excuse me for not entirely abandoning capitalization and grammar like a fucking heathen.

**Taekwoon**  
@ me

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
What does that even mean??  
Whatever, forget it. So you should start looking into the musical and see what you’re going to audition with!!

**Taekwoon**  
will do  
any recs?

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
I’m personally very attached to “Role of a Lifetime.” It’s one of Peter’s songs.

**Taekwoon**  
is that the one who makes it out alive

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
I don’t want to spoil it for you :(

**Taekwoon**  
ok wikipedia says jason is the dead one  
it sounds like peter is the better role tbh

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
I don’t know if I’d say that, exactly.  
Hey, can we talk about this more when I get home? I’m going to work with Jaehwan on something for a class~

**Taekwoon**  
wait what  
what class??

**✿ Hakyeon ✿**  
Also I’m bringing Hyukkie over for dinner so if you could make some noodles for us, that would be wonderful!!  
TTYL!!!  <3

**Taekwoon**  
okay i guess  
see you when you get home  
have fun.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So,” Hakyeon says to Taekwoon as they're deep cleaning their kitchen (after Hakyeon had found mold in the coffee maker, he refused to enter the room without a face mask to protect his “delicate respiratory system”). “Which part do you think you're gonna go for in the musical? Since there are two male leads, you could really do either.”

“Peter, obviously.” Taekwoon frowns, partly at Hakyeon's question and partly at a stubborn orange stain on their stove. Usually, they divide up the work so Taekwoon does the cooking and Hakyeon does the cleaning, but Taekwoon volunteered to help because — well, because for all his protests about Hakyeon being clingy and overbearing, he actually likes being around him. Hakyeon has a way of clearing up Taekwoon’s mind whenever it gets a little too tangled in itself. “I mean, he's clearly the better part between the two.”

“But they’re both leads,” Hakyeon points out, sounding confused.

“There’s a difference between the songs Peter sings and the songs Jason sings,” Taekwoon says, scrubbing angrily at the same stain. “Peter gets ‘Role of a Lifetime,’ which is obviously the most important song in the play —”

“Isn’t ‘Bare’ the most important? Since the play is actually _called_ Bare. You know, title song and all.”

“Still,” Taekwoon persists, “Peter’s part is more suited to my voice.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s higher.”

Hakyeon raises his eyebrows. “So you just want to show off.”

“ _No,_ ” Taekwoon says testily, rubbing so hard at the stain he can feel warmth from the friction of the sponge against the stove. “It’s just what would work best for the musical. We all do better when each person fits the role they play.”

“Can I be honest with you?” Hakyeon asks, his tone making it clear that he’s going to be honest with or without Taekwoon’s permission. “I think Jason suits you better, actually.”

“What?” Taekwoon glares at Hakyeon. “You think I should be some — some closet case jock?”

Hakyeon gives him a pointed look.

“Jason _dies,_ ” Taekwoon says stubbornly.

Hakyeon sighs. “Taekwoonie, you fit the role because you’re tall, you’re decently built, and you can harmonize beautifully. You’d be really fucking good as Jason.”

The praise make Taekwoon’s cheeks burn, but he digs his heels in and insists, “But I want to be Peter.”

Hakyeon peels off one of his polyethylene gloves so he can rub at his eyes in a very grandmotherly way. “Are you doing this just to be stubborn?”

“No,” Taekwoon says stubbornly. “I just know what I want.”

Hakyeon rolls his eyes and pulls his glove back on so he can safely tackle the mysterious green ooze on the second shelf of their refrigerator. “Whatever you say, Taekwoon.”

Taekwoon doesn't reply, continuing to rub brutally at the stain on the stove top until the sponge rips underneath his fingertips.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Taekwoon is expecting many things from Jaehwan. He's expecting arrogance, laziness, a lack of manners — but nothing prepares him for reality.

Within a week, Jaehwan has utterly charmed everyone in Taekwoon's life. Sanghyuk and Hongbin admire his snarky humor, Wonshik finds him adorable for some unfathomable reason, and Hakyeon — well, Hakyeon seems very happy with the new addition to their program.

“Jaehwan's adjusting so well,” Hakyeon chatters happily as they wait for five o'clock to roll around to begin the meeting. “I mean, he moved so far and he's really dealt with a lot, but I feel like he's making the most out of it, you know?”

Taekwoon shrugs, staring steadfastly down at the folder of sheet music he has open in his lap. “If you say so.”

“Did I hear my name?” a voice chirps from behind them, and Taekwoon has to consciously stop himself from tensing his shoulders. He turns to see Jaehwan sprawled lazily across three chairs with a knowing smirk on his face.

Hakyeon laughs. “You did, you fucking busybody.”

“Aw,” Jaehwan pouts. “I don't think I'm being a busybody if y'all are talking _about_ me.

Taekwoon tries to bite his tongue, but he still finds himself saying, “Oh, really?”

He can feel Hakyeon glaring and he knows he's going to get a scolding later, but all Jaehwan does is grin at him unnervingly. “You do realize we’re gonna have to be friends, right, Taekwoon?” he says, poison honey dripping from every word and _god,_ Taekwoon just wants to push him down, swipe the knowing look off his face and maybe get a reaction from him other than this — this condescension and smugness. “If you're going to be the Jason to my Peter, we're going to have to get very, _very_ close.”

Taekwoon is caught so off guard it takes him a few seconds to process Jaehwan's words and say sharply, “Excuse me?”

“I mean,” Jaehwan says, his eyes innocently wide, “we both know that's what's gonna happen, right? Because clearly the role of Peter was made for me.”

“How so?” Taekwoon asks, irritation flaring up in his gut.

“Well, he's a pretty — let's say, _flamboyant_ character,” Jaehwan drawls. “And am I not the prettiest twink you’ve ever laid eyes on?”

Taekwoon sputters, his aversion to the title of prettiest twink battling with his desire to beat Jaehwan. “What — what does that even mean?”

Jaehwan grins and it looks like a predator baring its teeth. “Well, there’s a shirtless scene and I, for one, know that I’d be perfectly fine with that. What about you, Taekwoonie?”

“Don’t call me that,” Taekwoon says coldly.

“Oh, is that just for Hakyeon?” Jaehwan’s smile stretches even wider at Taekwoon’s scowl. “You two are just precious.”

“Go to hell,” Taekwoon says sourly. The teasing about Hakyeon — Taekwoon can’t lie, it smarts, it hurts more than it should. There's a moment where he wonders wildly if Jaehwan knows about freshman year, when Taekwoon had harbored a pathetic crush on Hakyeon; but no, that would be impossible, _Hakyeon_ hadn't even known and Taekwoon had gotten over it quickly enough that it didn't really bother him anymore.

So why, he thinks, does it bother him so much to hear it now? What is it about Jaehwan’s voice that makes his words crawl right under Taekwoon’s skin and stir up more of a reaction than most people can ever get out of him?

“Oh, just lay your dicks out on a table and measure them,” Hakyeon snaps. “It'd save us all time and club's about to start.”

Without missing a beat, Jaehwan says, “I'd be down.”

Taekwoon sputters for a few seconds. “I'm — that's _not —_ ”

“Aw, is Taekwoonie shy?” Jaehwan teases. “Are you not as... _talented_ outside of your singing voice?”

“ _Jaehwan,_ ” Hakyeon hisses. “The meeting is starting, so if you could kindly try to shut your mouth for once in your life.”

Jaehwan mercifully stops talking, leaving Taekwoon staring at his knees while his face burns. He doesn't know what to do when faced with someone so shameless, so utterly brash and loud and colorful that it makes his head feel like it's ringing whenever they speak. As Hakyeon opens the meeting, Taekwoon tries to steady his breathing and fan himself as discreetly as possible. The soothing cadence of Hakyeon's voice — warm, sweet, familiar — helps to calm him until he feels a little more like himself again, a little more under control.

It all turns out to be for nothing when he lifts his head and immediately makes eye contact with Jaehwan, who's practically leering at him. He leans in toward Taekwoon and whispers, “So, Taekwoonie.”

Taekwoon can't find it within himself to tell Jaehwan off for the nickname. He can't even find the wherewithal to lean away or break eye contact. He can't tell why; maybe it's because it feels like an implicit challenge and he refuses to lose, or maybe it's because it feels like Jaehwan's taunting him and he just wants to know _why._ Either way, he finds himself leaning in even closer. “Shut up, Jaehwan.” He's irrationally grateful that he's taller than Jaehwan so he can have some amount of intimidation factor.

Jaehwan doesn't even blink. All he does is tip back in his chair, smiling brazenly. “So, which duet should we start out practicing with? I mean, 'Bare' will challenge me more vocally because of Peter's harmonizing, but 'You and I' would be our first time singing together onstage. It would be romantic, don't you think?” Suddenly he leans back in again, a conspiratorial smirk on his lips. “Or would Hakyeon mind?”

Irritation flares in Taekwoon's gut, both at the assumption that Jaehwan will get whatever role he wants and at the way Hakyeon is addressed like he's Taekwoon's _keeper_ or something. “What part of 'shut up' do you not understand?”

“Uh-oh, someone's getting feisty,” Jaehwan singsongs, his voice huskier than usual because of how quiet they're being. Taekwoon isn't sure how he feels about that. “You know, that's actually perfect for the character of Jason. Look at you, already getting into character.”

“I'm not getting into any character yet,” Taekwoon whispers hotly. “I'm just annoyed that you're being such a complete _asshat —_ ”

“Do I need to separate you two?” Hakyeon breaks in, his voice shrill with irritation. “If you ruin this production, I _will_ beat your asses so you can't sit down for a week.”

“Kinky,” Jaehwan says, raising his eyebrows at Taekwoon. “Is that how he is in bed?”

Taekwoon is saved from having to reply by Hakyeon stalking over, grabbing Jaehwan by the elbow, and forcibly dragging him to a seat on the other side of the room. The entire way there, Jaehwan smiles at Taekwoon like he's won something.

Taekwoon grits his teeth and stares right back at him. _I am going to beat you,_ he thinks. _You aren't going to win anything from me._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Give Jaehwan a chance,_ Taekwoon thinks sourly as he throws one of Hakyeon's beanie babies at the ceiling repeatedly. He’s starting to wonder just how far Hakyeon is expecting him to bend over backwards to _give Jaehwan a chance._ Then again, maybe Hakyeon is just too wrapped up in Jaehwan to pay attention to Taekwoon at the moment.

Not that Hakyeon is the only one, it seems. In fact, the entire theater department seems to be completely enchanted by Jaehwan. _Stupid fucking Jaehwan._ Taekwoon throws the tiny pink bear at the ceiling so hard he almost feels bad for the upstairs neighbors. Stupid fucking Jaehwan with his stupid fucking voice and his stupid fucking charm and his stupid fucking _smile —_

When Jaehwan had sat next to him at that first meeting and assumed he was going to get the lead, Taekwoon had thought he was just unbelievably arrogant. As it turns out, Jaehwan is — he’s _good._ Hell, he’s more than good, he’s excellent, and it scares the shit out of Taekwoon.

The theater program has always been what Taekwoon’s counted on. When he busted up his knee and couldn't play soccer, when he was too painfully shy to participate in class, when words didn't come easily out of his mouth unless they were someone else's—no matter what other shortcomings he had, performing was his failsafe, the solid ground beneath his feet when the rest of the world spun wildly out of his reach.

And now Jaehwan swans in and shakes Taekwoon’s foundation and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like Jaehwan. He doesn’t like how Jaehwan is taking his spot, his friends, anything he can get his grubby little hands on, apparently—

Taekwoon barely hears the key turning in the lock, but he definitely hears Sanghyuk booming, “I hope no one’s naked because I’m coming in.”

As Sanghyuk throws the door open and strides in, Taekwoon doesn’t even spare him a glance. Ever since Hakyeon had given the brat a key, he came and left like it was his own place. Still, when Sanghyuk starts rifling through Hakyeon’s nightstand, Taekwoon has to ask, “What are you doing?”

“I gotta borrow something,” Sanghyuk says distractedly before grinning in triumph and holding up a nearly-full box of condoms. “Jackpot.”

“Borrow?” Taekwoon wrinkles his nose. “Please don’t return those when you’re done with them.”

“I’ll make sure to slingshot them through your window specifically,” Sanghyuk replies with a beatific smile as he stuffs his hand into the box and pulls out a generous handful of little purple squares. “Special airmail delivery.”

Taekwoon doesn’t bother responding to Sanghyuk with words, opting instead to chuck the beanie baby directly at his head instead. He doesn’t get the response he’s going for—all Sanghyuk does is throw back his head and laugh like Taekwoon’s made the funniest joke.

“Why can I never get you out of my hair?” Taekwoon grouses. “You do realize Hakyeon isn’t home, don’t you?”

“Well, obviously I knew that since I saw him and Jaehwan in Doheny.”

Taekwoon’s head snaps up faster than he wants to admit. “What were they doing at Doheny?”

Sanghyuk shrugs. “Wow, I dunno, what would a college student possibly be doing in a university library? Arson, probably.”

“But they’re theater majors.” Taekwoon flops back against his pillow. He regrets having thrown the beanie baby at Sanghyuk because now he has nothing to toss at the ceiling.

“So? Aren’t they both, like, French minors or something?”

“Hakyeon is,” Taekwoon says. “I don’t know about Jaehwan. Don’t really care either.”

Sanghyuk snorts. “And you wonder why you don’t know what they’re doing at Doheny.”

Taekwoon crosses his arms stubbornly across his chest and stares up at the ugly popcorn pattern on the ceiling.

After a few moments, Sanghyuk sighs and says, “What do you even have against Jaehwan?”

Taekwoon rolls onto his side so he can glare at Sanghyuk. “What do you mean, what do I have against him? Have you _met_ him?”

“Yeah, everyone has,” Sanghyuk replies. “Because he’s funny and he goes out and does stuff.”

_Unlike you,_ an insidious little voice says in Taekwoon’s mind. He shakes his head irritably even though he knows it won’t be gotten rid of that easily. “But he’s—he’s loud and rude and—and he doesn’t even seem like he actually _cares_ about people, he just wants to collect as many as he can—”

“Christ, Taekwoon,” Sanghyuk says. “Don’t you think you’re assuming kind of a lot?”

“I’m not assuming anything,” Taekwoon says hotly. “I’ve been around him for a month now. I can tell what kind of person he is.”

“Except you’re hardly ever around him,” Sanghyuk fires back. “Because whenever he’s at club meetings or in classes, you just avoid him. When he tries to talk to you, you ignore him.”

“That’s because—” Taekwoon’s mouth snaps shut and he feels his cheeks burn. Does he really want to tell Sanghyuk? Does he want Hakyeon’s precious golden boy to know that Jaehwan seems to have made a little game out of flustering Taekwoon as much as possible? Does he want to say, _yeah, he’s decided I’m an ‘ice queen’ and he likes calling me pretty and smiling at me like he knows something—_

“Because what?” Sanghyuk tilts his head.

“Because he’s a menace,” Taekwoon finishes awkwardly.

Sanghyuk snorts. “Okay, then. Well, if that’s all you’ve got to say, I’m gonna head out and make use of these borrowed goods.”

“It’s four o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon,” Taekwoon says. “Is now really the time?”

“It’s always the time.” Sanghyuk gives Taekwoon a little salute, half-cute and half-mocking, before heading out the door and locking it behind him.

Taekwoon stares glumly at the beanie baby sitting on the floor where it bounced off Sanghyuk. “It’s just you and me, friend.”

The beanie baby doesn’t reply. Taekwoon thinks this is a pretty fair indicator of how his life is going lately.

“You’re the only one who understands me,” he tells it.

It falls over and face plants into the ground.

Taekwoon buries his face in his pillow and groans.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Taekwoon is not used to looking at casting sheets with anything other than complete confidence, especially when it comes to musicals. Sometimes, when they're doing plays, Hongbin or Hakyeon will be able to snag the lead, but as long as singing is involved Taekwoon considers himself king.

Now, though. Now, he feels something like anxiety curling in his gut. It feels like opening up his admissions letter from the university, or maybe that time his high school show choir had gone to nationals. The feeling builds in his chest, climbing up his throat and making him feel like he's choking on it. His focus narrows down to the sheet of paper hung up on the wall. The other students around him seem to disappear, the chatter and the clamor fading away until he sees nothing except the stark white of the paper. If he could just get closer —

“ _Taekwoon!_ ” Hakyeon's voice yanks him out of his own mind and Taekwoon looks down at his best friend. Hakyeon beams back up at him, his eyes sparkling. “I told you! I told you that you'd get that part!”

Taekwoon blinks uncomprehendingly, trying to parse the exact meaning of Hakyeon's words.

Hakyeon's eyes widen almost comically. “Oh my god, have you not seen it yet? Go, go, go!”

Taekwoon is pushed forward toward the casting sheet by Hakyeon's grabby hands, and the closer he gets the more the dread builds. It's almost as if he knows before he even sees the paper because of course Hakyeon would only ever be this happy about being _right —_

—and there it is.

_Peter — Jaehwan Lee  
Jason — Taekwoon Jung_

Taekwoon stares at the paper in horror as the reality washes over him. He lost. He lost his part to a short, spindly, _rude as hell_ transfer student with no sense of self-respect—

“Well, would you look at that,” Jaehwan says smugly from beside Taekwoon, throwing a far-too-friendly arm around his shoulders. “Looks like we're gonna have a lot of quality time together, huh, _Jason?_ ”

Taekwoon shoves Jaehwan's arm off roughly and turns on his heel, fleeing the hall as quickly as he can. Shame and disappointment curl hot and sour in his stomach he's digging his nails so hard into his own palms that they sting and throb.

As he leaves, all he can hear is Jaehwan's laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hakyeon decisively closes his textbook, a completely unnecessary gesture since he wasn't looking at it in the first place. "You know, Jaehwan, I've been meaning to talk to you about this."
> 
> "Oh, is the wedding soon?" Jaehwan teases.
> 
> "Jaehwan, don't be ridiculous—"
> 
> "Oh my god," Jaehwan says with a dramatic gasp. "Did he knock you up?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **heads up!** from here on out, there's gonna be some references to shitty parents/mental illness, so make sure to take care of yourself and don't feel bad about stopping if you need to ♡  
> 

Libraries put Jaehwan on edge. They're too quiet but too loud all at once, the stifling silence making every rustle and cough that much more grating, but Hakyeon insists on studying at the library and god knows Jaehwan can't focus at home on his own. So here he is at the university library, ass going numb from the hard wooden chair and brain humming with unwanted energy.

Jaehwan glances over at Hakyeon, who's looking at his phone instead of his textbook. Hakyeon lets out a tiny giggle and Jaehwan quirks an eyebrow at him.

"Texting your boy toy?" Jaehwan whispers.

Just as Jaehwan had predicted, Hakyeon's smile drops and is replaced by his signature petty scowl. "I don't know who you're talking about," he replies, even though they both know.

"Come on now, Hakyeonnie," Jaehwan drawls. "You shouldn't deny your little boyfriend like that, even if he _is_ an ice princess with a stick up his ass."

Hakyeon decisively closes his textbook, a completely unnecessary gesture since he wasn't looking at it in the first place. "You know, Jaehwan, I've been meaning to talk to you about this."

"Oh, is the wedding soon?" Jaehwan teases.

"Jaehwan, don't be ridiculous—"

"Oh my god," Jaehwan says with a dramatic gasp. "Did he knock you up?"

He can practically see steam coming from Hakyeon's ears. "No," Hakyeon says, voice clipped.

"Well then, whatever could it be?" Jaehwan leans forward with his chin in his hands. "Do tell, Hakyeon dearest."

Hakyeon stares at him for several seconds before sighing deeply, and _christ_ that's exactly the sort of sigh Jaehwan hates. Pitying, patronizing, impatient; it's the sigh people use before they tell Jaehwan exactly why he's insufferable, and they'd _hoped_ for so much from him but clearly he just wasn't willing to _try—_

"You're being an absolute dick to Taekwoon," Hakyeon says straightforwardly. "And I don't really understand why."

Jaehwan leans back in his chair. Of course it's about Taekwoon. "I just treat him the way he treats me. Golden rule and all that."

"The golden rule is that you treat people the way you _want_ to be treated," Hakyeon replies. "If someone treated you the way you treat Taekwoon, you would throw a tantrum."

"Doesn't he throw tantrums?" Jaehwan points out. "I mean, he's constantly pouting and whining about me." He doesn't mention that he finds it incredibly satisfying to get a rise out of Taekwoon.

"You know he's a reactive sort of person," Hakyeon says. "You push his buttons on purpose. And don't try to say you don't," he warns when Jaehwan opens his mouth. "I'm not stupid, Jaehwan. I have eyes, I know you both, and I know what you're doing. So what I'm trying to figure out is why."

"Because Mercury's in retrograde," Jaehwan says, lazily twirling a pen around his fingers. "All the stars and planets and shit, you know? Messing with my chakras or my feng shui or whatever."

Hakyeon gives him an unimpressed look. "Stop deflecting."

Jaehwan clutches his hands to his chest. "But if I'm not deflecting, then who _am_ I?" he asks in a mock-horrified whisper.

"Someone who won't drive Taekwoon up the goddamn wall, hopefully." Hakyeon tilts his head. "Also, you do realize how unhealthy that statement was, right?"

Jaehwan groans, and apparently it's just enough louder than their previous whispers that he gets several pointed coughs and glares from the other students in the library. One girl in particular seems to be trying to burn a hole in Jaehwan's forehead by staring at him with a disgusted expression. He blows her a kiss before turning back to Hakyeon.

"Listen, you're not my therapist," Jaehwan starts.

"You don't _have_ a therapist," Hakyeon interrupts. "God knows why."

"I told you, I'm still figuring out my insurance since I moved here," Jaehwan hedges.

"Bullshit," Hakyeon says. "It's been over a month. You're just avoiding it."

"Have you considered that I don't really need a therapist?"

"Yeah, I considered it. And then I decided that was bullshit too."

"Fuck you," Jaehwan says, joking on the surface despite the anxiety buzzing under his skin. "I'm an adult, and I'm well-adjusted enough to go to school and get a job and all that. Hell, I even did laundry last week. Who the fuck needs a therapist if they can do their own laundry?"

"Plenty of people who are fucked up do their own laundry."

"Mm," Jaehwan hums. "Nah, that sounds fake. Didn't you mother teach you that your worth is inherently linked to keeping your room clean?"

Hakyeon looks at him sadly and there it is: the pity.

Before Hakyeon can say anything, Jaehwan hastily says, "Don't psychoanalyze that. I know you want me to get a therapist, but you're definitely not qualified."

Hakyeon snorts. "I don't want to be your therapist. But I _am_ your friend, and I want you to know you can talk about stuff to me, okay? You don't have to always...pretend everything's fine. Especially when the way you're acting makes it pretty damn obvious that everything isn't fine."

"What do you even mean?" Jaehwan asks. "What have I been doing that says I'm not fine?"

Hakyeon raises his eyebrows. "Oh, gee, I don't know, maybe the entire sequence of events leading up to you being here?"

"Becoming your friend?" Jaehwan says, purposefully obtuse. "Yeah, I'm starting to think that was a mistake as well."

Hakyeon sniffs irritably. "You know that's not what I meant. I meant your old school, your old job, your parents—"

"It's in the past," Jaehwan says sharply. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"Jaehwan," Hakyeon says, probably aiming for reassuring but ending up right at patronizing and making Jaehwan's skin crawl. "Ignoring the shit that's happened to you doesn't make it go away. You have to work through these things—"

"The fuck I do," Jaehwan growls. He can feel people glaring at him for being too loud, but he can't make himself give a fuck at this point. "I'm _fine,_ Hakyeon. I'm not your pity project, I'm not your kid, I'm not your fucking responsibility, all right?"

"I brought you here, though—"

"I brought _myself_ here," Jaehwan interrupts. "Yeah, you suggested it, but _I_ worked and saved up money, _I_ bought my own plane ticket, _I_ applied all by my damn self. I can take care of myself."

"Oh, so is 'taking care of yourself' drinking yourself into oblivion every weekend? And pushing away everyone who tries to take care of you?" Hakyeon demands, voice turning shrill. "Jaehwan, it's not _healthy—_ "

" _Hakyeon,_ " Jaehwan pleads, reaching out across the table to place his hands on Hakyeon's. "I'm—I'm doing my best, okay?"

"I just want to help," Hakyeon says weakly.

"I know," Jaehwan says with a sigh. "I know that's what you want."

"Then let me," Hakyeon says desperately. "Jaehwan I—I've watched you go through so much, okay? And I don't want bringing you here to just end up being another way you can hurt yourself. I can't let you do that."

"I'm not hurting myself," Jaehwan insists. "I'm _fine._ I told you, I'm doing laundry, I'm going to my classes, I'm in extracurriculars, I hang out with friends. I am well-adjusted as _fuck._ "

For once, Hakyeon stays silent instead of speaking. Jaehwan almost wants to tell him to talk again because the way he's looking at Jaehwan right now makes him feel like he's under a microscope. Just when it's almost become too much for Jaehwan to bear, Hakyeon shrugs. "You're an adult, I guess," he finally says, and the resigned tone of his voice makes Jaehwan relax a bit. "Even if you don't really act like one." The teasing—that's familiar territory. This, Jaehwan knows how to handle, at least better than earnest-as-fuck friends trying to fix his life.

"I resent that," Jaehwan replies. "I pay rent."

"Mmhmmm," Hakyeon says. "Whatever you say."

Jaehwan lets out a playful _humph_ and slumps down in his chair, pulling his textbook onto his lap. "You're not even that much older than me," he pouts.

"Old enough," Hakyeon says, turning back to his phone.

There's still some residual tension—even if Hakyeon is pretending to let it go, Jaehwan is pretty damn sure he won't actually—but as long as Hakyeon's willing to act normal for the time being, then Jaehwan can deal with it.

Jaehwan is about to write things off as back to normal when he hears a quiet sigh from Hakyeon. "Jaehwan," he says, voice soft like he's handling something (or someone) delicate. "You can always talk to me, okay? You don't have to right now, or ever, really but—I want you to know."

Jaehwan continues staring steadfastly at a fixed point on the page in front of him. "Yeah, I know."

Hakyeon sighs again and he sounds so tired that Jaehwan almost feels bad for shutting him down. But _no,_ he reminds himself. He takes care of himself. He looks across the table at Hakyeon and shoves down the guilt that threatens to rise in his throat.

It's better this way, he tells himself. For everyone involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit shorter because i want to write the next chapter from a different pov and i'm not super into switching in the middle of the chapter. thank you for your patience and love!! ♡


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh, I see, you're too busy playing Underwatch to listen to me, but you can do _drugs,_ ” Hakyeon says, hoping how wounded he is comes across in his tone.
> 
> Hongbin winces. “It's—jesus christ, it's _Overwatch._ Not under. _Over._ And I'm between rounds right now, and a taking a hit is a hell of a lot faster than listening to you gossiping. So, yeah, I do have time for this. Glad you understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you [lauren](http://twitter.com/sweetwoojinie) and [mara](http://twitter.com/biaswrecked91) for looking this over for me! i wrote this entire thing tipsy so here's to hoping it makes some sense.
> 
> heads up in this chapter for drug use! and platonic kissing. what a fun time woohoo wHO'S READY FOR SOME CHASANG DEVELOPMENT BNCHES

“And _then,_ ” Hakyeon fumes, “he said—Han Sanghyuk, are you listening to me?”

“Totally,” Sanghyuk drawls, smoke trailing from his lips as he exhales the hit he just took. Some of it gets a little too close for comfort to Hakyeon’s face, the sweet, earthy scent making him wrinkle his nose.

“Don't breathe on me,” he warns. “I don't want to fail a drug test just because of your inability to understand personal space.”

Hongbin snorts from his spot next to Sanghyuk on the couch. “That's rich coming from you, Hakyeon.” He sets down his controller. “Pass the bubbler, Hyuk-ah.”

“Oh, I see, you're too busy playing Underwatch to listen to me, but you can do _drugs,_ ” Hakyeon says, hoping how wounded he is comes across in his tone.

Hongbin winces. “It's—jesus christ, it's _Overwatch._ Not under. _Over._ And I'm between rounds right now, and a taking a hit is a hell of a lot faster than listening to you gossiping. So, yeah, I do have time for this. Glad you understand.”

Hakyeon gives Hongbin an affronted look. Hongbin ignores him and flicks the lighter on, drowning out any complaints Hakyeon might want to voice with the gurgle of water.

Sanghyuk gestures vaguely at Hakyeon. “What were you saying again?”

Hakyeon huffs irritably. “I can’t even remember— _oh,_ what I was about to say was Jaehwan said that he was perfectly well-adjusted, even though anyone with a pair of eyes can tell that’s not true.”

Sanghyuk’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” When Hakyeon is met with a blank stare, he sighs. “Why am I surrounded by men who are so out of touch with their emotions?”

“Sorry the rest of us don’t live off knowing other people’s business,” Hongbin quips.

“I _care_ about people,” Hakyeon insists. “I just try to be a supportive friend, a shoulder people can cry on when—”

“That’s nice,” Hongbin says distractedly, digging around in his pockets. When he pulls out his phone, Hakyeon realizes that it's not his irritation at being ignored buzzing in his ears, but the sound of someone calling Hongbin.

Hongbin picks up the call. "Hey, asshole, what's up?"

Hakyeon glares at Hongbin.

Hongbin continues ignoring Hakyeon. "Oh, shit, man that sucks. You want me to come meet you and we can like, call the triple A guy or something? All right, cool, be there in ten." Hongbin gets to his feet and stretches, his shirt riding up slightly to show off his slender hips and toned abs. Hakyeon allows himself to look; as far as he's concerned, if he has to put up with Hongbin's sass, then the least he can get in return is some eye candy.

"Who was that?" Hakyeon asks, only realizing after the words have left his mouth just how motherly he sounds.

"Wonsik," Hongbin says like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Catch you later, Wonsik's car broke down and I'm gonna go help him out with the insurance and stuff."

"First drugs, now some guy's car," Hakyeon grumbles, slightly miffed. "It's like you don't even care what I have to say."

"Oh, no," Hongbin says, wide-eyed with fake shock. "I can't even _imagine_ not caring about what you're saying. Perish the thought. God fucking _forbid._ "

Hakyeon frowns, trying very hard not to let himself pout. "I understand sarcasm, you know."

"Well, would you look at that," Hongbin says as he snags his wallet and keys from the bowl by the door. "Turns out you _can_ teach an old dog new tricks."

Hakyeon can't think of a response, sputtering uselessly as Hongbin gives them a salute and walks out the door.

"Just get married already," Hakyeon calls at Hongbin's back, but the door clicks shut before he gets a response. "Honestly, they should just make it official and put a ring on it."

Sanghyuk gives him a quizzical look. "But—Hongbin and Wonsik are straight? They're just really good bros."

Hakyeon bursts out laughing, but when Sanghyuk doesn't join in he cuts himself off with an awkward cough. "Right," he says, using every ounce of his (considerable, if you ask him) acting talent to keep a straight face. "Bros. So...bro-ey. Brotesque, even."

Sanghyuk fortunately seems to be just out of it enough to not question Hakyeon's behavior. He lets his head drop back against the sofa, staring at the ceiling and sighing. "I wish I could have someone like Hongbin has Wonsik," he says, his voice slightly raspier than usual from the smoke. It sounds...deeper, more masculine. Pretty, if Hakyeon thinks about it.

But he's definitely not thinking about it. Instead, he focuses on what Sanghyuk is saying as opposed to what he sounds like. "I think we all want someone like that," Hakyeon says, but then frowns and backtracks, "Well, maybe not _all_ of us, I know Hansol is really not about that sort of thing—"

"But doesn't everyone want friends?" Sanghyuk asks, sounding lost. He looks so much like a puppy that Hakyeon has to resist the urge to pet his hair.

"Friends," Hakyeon repeats, incredibly grateful Sanghyuk is too high to realize the obvious implications of what Hakyeon has been saying. "Totally." He coughs, trying to figure out how to change the subject before he says something so blatant that Sanghyuk will pick up on it even in this state. "So, what were we talking about before the whole bro conversation? Because Hongbin and Wonsik are definitely bros so, you know, there's no reason to keep talking about it. Since there's obviously nothing else to it, right?" Hakyeon laughs nervously.

Sanghyuk squints at Hakyeon. "You seem really high-strung," he decides. "You sure you don't wanna take a hit?"

"Yes, I'm sure," Hakyeon says firmly. "All of you are so—you and Hongbin with the marijuana and Jaehwan with the alcohol—"

Sanghyuk sits up straight again, interested. "Oh, man, do you think Jaehwan would buy booze for me if I gave him money?"

Hakyeon glares at him. "You are a _child._ "

"I'm a legal adult," Sanghyuk protests.

"You're not twenty-one," Hakyeon says firmly. "Lord knows I let Jaehwan get away with a lot, but I will not put up with him corrupting one of my children."

"I'm—you're not even that much older than me!" Sanghyuk splutters. "You're not my fuckin' _dad—_ " He stops short and then squints at Hakyeon. "Wait, are you trying to like, trying to tell me that's what you’re into?"

Hakyeon looks at Sanghyuk like he's speaking in tongues. "What?"

"Like—" Sanghyuk shuffles closer and leans in to whisper, despite the fact that they're the only two in the apartment. "You know... _daddy stuff._ "

"Oh my _god,_ " Hakyeon squawks, smacking Sanghyuk's shoulder so hard it makes his own hand sting slightly. "That's—that's so inappropriate on so many levels, oh my _god—_ "

"It's fine if you are," Sanghyuk says seriously. "I mean, we're all cool with you being gay, so obviously we don't give a shit what you do in bed—"

Hakyeon claps his hands over Sanghyuk's mouth, cutting him off. "Do _not,_ " he says emphatically, "ever ask me about my kinks again. Jesus."

Sanghyuk shrugs, pushing Hakyeon's hands off easily. "You don't gotta be so uptight about it. Jaehwan said he's into some pretty sketchy stuff."

Hakyeon snorts. "Jaehwan is very dear to me, but Jaehwan is also essentially a human dumpster fire."

Sanghyuk frowns. "Just because he likes being bossed around during sex doesn't mean—"

"Not that," Hakyeon interrupts impatiently. "I mean that Jaehwan will tell you anything you want to hear as long as you give him attention."

"How do you know that?" Sanghyuk asks. "Actually, scratch that, how do you even know Jaehwan? Because he talks a hell of a lot, but he doesn't actually tell any of us about his life."

Hakyeon wiggles in his spot, biting his lip. "I—I really shouldn't tell you, it's pretty personal stuff. Really, Jaehwan would be upset if I told you about everything...."

Sanghyuk shrugs. "Oh, okay. That's chill. You wanna just get pizza or—"

"Oh, god, _fine,_ " Hakyeon bursts out. "Okay, fine, I'll tell you. I can't believe you're making me do this—"

"I—what?" Sanghyuk asks, looking hopelessly confused.

"Shut up and listen," Hakyeon orders. "You're the one who's making me tell you in the first place—oh my god, I can't believe I'm doing this—"

"O...kay?" Sanghyuk says.

"All right." Hakyeon rolls his shoulders and adjusts his posture, settling in to spin a proper yarn. "So, it started about two years ago. Well, I suppose if you want to get technical, it started long before that. _Anyway,_ the key to understanding Jaehwan is knowing about his parents...."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hakyeon is humming to himself and folding laundry when he hears the key turning in the lock and Taekwoon enters their apartment. He hears Taekwoon's footsteps approaching hesitantly and braces himself; Taekwoon clearly needs to talk about something, but the conversation will be like pulling teeth because—well. Taekwoon.

"Come in here, Taekwoonie," Hakyeon calls out, not looking up from the shirt he's folding. "Half of this laundry is yours, anyway."

Taekwoon approaches the couch slowly, timidly, and it reminds Hakyeon of what he was like during freshman year. He's grown and changed since then, but whenever he feels out of his element, he returns to that shy, quiet boy he was years ago. He sits next to Hakyeon on the couch and silently picks up a pair of jeans and starts folding.

Hakyeon resists his instinct to pester Taekwoon until he gets the information he wants. Instead, he sets the shirt he's just folded on the stack of clean clothes on the table and says mildly, "So, how was your day?"

Taekwoon shrugs. "Fine."

"Well, we got another paper in French," Hakyeon says. He notices Taekwoon stiffening up next to him, but (barely) stops himself from commenting on it. "And it's due on Friday, but I know I have to get it done Thursday since we have rehearsal and Friday, and god knows I don't want to be panicking about a paper instead of focusing on rehearsing—"

"I don't think I can do it," Taekwoon says abruptly.

There it is. Hakyeon places the shirt he was folding on the table and turns to face his best friend. Taekwoon's face is bright red and he's staring intensely at his knees.

"You don't think you can do what?" Hakyeon prompts. Taekwoon murmurs something so quietly that Hakyeon can't make out the words. Hakyeon sighs. "Come on, Taekwoonie, I can't help you if you're not upfront with me."

"Rehearsal," Taekwoon repeats. "I—I don't think I can."

Hakyeon frowns. "Why not? Is it because you're Jason instead of Peter? Taekwoon, really, you're going to shine in whatever role you play—"

"It's not that," Taekwoon interrupts. "It's—I—" He gives up, burying his face in his hands and letting out a distressed groan.

"Hey there," Hakyeon says, scooting closer so he can run his palm in comforting circles over Taekwoon's back. "You're all right, sweetheart, I've got you."

He feels Taekwoon take a deep, shuddering breath. "It's Jaehwan." Before Hakyeon can say anything, Taekwoon hastily says, "It's not that I don't like him—I mean, obviously I don't like him—but I could deal with that, except—it's just that—"

"What is it?" Hakyeon asks gently.

"I don't want to kiss him," Taekwoon squeaks before letting his head fall into his hands again. "God, I'm pathetic, I hate this—"

"Hey, hey," Hakyeon says, wrapping his arm around Taekwoon's shoulder and giving him a squeeze. "You're not pathetic, okay? You wanna tell me why that bothers you so much?"

Taekwoon is silent for several seconds, but Hakyeon knows him well enough to be patient and let him gather his thoughts. Finally, Taekwoon whispers, "I've never kissed anyone before."

Hakyeon's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "I see."

It shouldn't come as a surprise to him, really. Taekwoon is painfully shy around strangers and turns bright red at any mention of romance among friends. They all knew Taekwoon was gay, of course; even if Taekwoon is shy, he has a proud streak a mile wide, and god help any person who tries to undermine him using his sexuality.

"So," Hakyeon says delicately. "I'm sorry your first kiss can't be special—"

"That's not it," Taekwoon says. "I don't—I know it doesn't need to be flower bouquets and true love and all that, I just—" He takes in a shaky breath. "I just don't want my first kiss to be with someone who hates me."

Hakyeon feels his heart break just a little. "Oh, sweetheart."

"Don't _oh sweetheart_ me," Taekwoon says stubbornly. "It just _sucks,_ and I don't want it to be like this, but it is like this and there isn't anything I can even do about it—"

"You know," Hakyeon says slowly, "I don't hate you."

Taekwoon looks at him questioningly. "Um. Thanks? I don't hate you either."

"No, you're not getting what I'm saying here," Hakyeon says. "You don't want your first kiss to be from someone who hates you. Ergo, you want your first kiss to be from someone who likes you and cares about you. I like you and care about you. So, I can be your first kiss."

Taekwoon's eyes are so wide Hakyeon thinks they might pop right out of his head. "You...you want to kiss me?" he asks faintly.

Hakyeon smiles at him and lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "You know I'm a slut for platonic physical affection," he jokes.

Taekwoon makes a small strangled noise. Hakyeon pats his shoulder soothingly.

"Obviously, you don't have to if you don't want to," he says. "And we can plan the scenes, stage them so you don't really have to make full-on contact with him—"

Taekwoon shakes his head. "No, the play doesn't really lend itself to pulling punches like that. I mean, we're showing almost full-on straight sex, faking the gay kissing seems a bit like a double standard, doesn't it?" The blood drains out of Taekwoon's face. "Oh my god, I'm going to have to kiss a _girl,_ " he whispers, sounding terrified.

Hakyeon can't help but laugh. "You're adorable. And at least it's Eunji you'll be kissing, you like her!"

"Oh my god," Taekwoon repeats, voice becoming shrill. "I have to kiss _so many_ people, I'm gonna puke—"

"Please don't puke," Hakyeon says quickly. "Taekwoonie, I promise it's not as scary as you're making it out to be."

Taekwoon fixes him with a pitiful look.

"Oh, come here," Hakyeon says decisively. "Do you want me to show you?"

Taekwoon doesn't say anything, but he gives a tiny nod of his head and leans slightly closer.

"Look at me," Hakyeon says, taking Taekwoon's face in his hands. He runs his thumbs over Taekwoon's cheekbones, feeling how warm they are from Taekwoon's nervous blush. "I'm gonna take care of you, okay?"

"Okay," Taekwoon says, voice small. "I trust you."

Hakyeon smiles. "Good. You know I love you a lot, right?"

Taekwoon tries to turn his head away and roll his eyes, but Hakyeon makes Taekwoon face him. "I love you too, I guess," Taekwoon says reluctantly. Hakyeon isn't fooled by the front Taekwoon's putting on. He knows Taekwoon isn't one for grand gestures and flowery words; he knows perfectly well that he's just as important to Taekwoon as Taekwoon is to him.

It's this knowledge that makes it easy to bridge the space between him. Their noses touch first, a light bump that draws a tiny gasp from Taekwoon, and then their lips brush against each other. It's soft and chaste. Taekwoon's lips feel so soft against Hakyeon's, still slightly parted from the sweet little gasp he'd let out. Hakyeon strokes Taekwoon's cheek tenderly as he moves his lips slowly and gently against Taekwoon's, trying to make sure that Taekwoon can _feel_ how loved, how important he is. Even if Taekwoon said he didn't need it to be special, Hakyeon wants to make it special for him. He's just that good of a friend.

When they part, Hakyeon leaves his hands on Taekwoon's cheeks, still holding him like he might break if he lets go. Taekwoon takes in a shaky breath and opens his eyes, meeting Hakyeon's gaze.

"Thank you," he whispers.

"Of course," Hakyeon replies, letting his hands fall from Taekwoon's face. "Do you think you're ready now?"

Taekwoon considers for a moment and then nods. "Yeah. I can do it, I think."

"Good." Hakyeon smiles at him. "And I was serious about that platonic physical affection thing. If you ever want to practice kissing, you can totally hit me up—"

"Oh my _god._ " Taekwoon shoves Hakyeon away from him, but Hakyeon can see that he's giggling even if he's trying to hide it. "I hate you."

"Oh, really?" Hakyeon drapes himself over Taekwoon's lap. "That's a shame, because I _looove_ you."

"Ugh." Taekwoon wrinkles his nose and he tries to push Hakyeon off his lap, but Hakyeon just winds his arms around Taekwoon's waist and clings tight. "Jesus christ, you're like an octopus—"

"All the more arms to love you with," Hakyeon trills and Taekwoon gives up on pushing him away, letting his head drop as he laughs so hard his eyes crinkle. Hakyeon feels a burst of accomplishment at the sight. Before their talk, Taekwoon had been sullen and anxious; now, he's giggling and affectionate, and it makes Hakyeon smile in return.

"Hakyeon?" Taekwoon says softly. Hakyeon cocks his head to indicate that he's listening. "Really, thank you. For that. It made me feel...a lot better."

Hakyeon pets Taekwoon's hair. "I'm glad, sweetheart." He sits back up, cracking his back and groaning. "Now, come on, I have a tax for being the best friend ever." He ignores Taekwoon's disbelieving snort. "Help me with the laundry."

Taekwoon grumbles, but he does as he's told. They fall into the familiar ritual of folding laundry together, and everything is incredibly normal considering Hakyeon just gave Taekwoon his first kiss. Hakyeon is glad, though. He wants it to be normal for Taekwoon. He wants all of this to be something Taekwoon is comfortable with.

Sitting next to Taekwoon on the couch, watching him fold clothes, Hakyeon finds himself wondering if Jaehwan is something Taekwoon can ever really be comfortable with.

He sighs and focuses on the shirt in his hands. Only time will tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear to christ it's not neo


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehwan pulls a face. "Listen, Sanghyuk. Letting other people fuck up your life is childhood. When you start fucking up your own life? That's when you know you're a fuckin' adult."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so! mentions of shitty parents in this chapter. also possible otc drug/alcohol abuse? if you're uncomfortable with anything, feel free to head on out ♡ no hard feelings

Jaehwan likes this musical. It involves less dancing and even more overt homosexuality than the typical Broadway fare, and he appreciates that.

He also appreciates the fact that this script gives Taekwoon some truly golden lines. Really, Jaehwan isn't entirely sure how he made it out alive after watching Taekwoon blanch at the line _how about a baseball bat, there's one in my pants._ Unfortunately, they're just singing right now before they get to the staging, so Jaehwan doesn't have the joy of grabbing Taekwoon by the belt loops and smirking up at him. Soon, he tells himself. For now, he can content himself with Taekwoon's shocked reactions at the script.

Then again, Taekwoon is...less flustered than his initial reaction let on. Sure, during the initial read-through, Taekwoon's cheeks had turned pink at some of the more raunchy lines. Now, though, once he starts singing, his self-consciousness seems to melt away. He's even standing taller, tilting his chin up to project. It's...attractive. And not in the way Jaehwan is usually attracted to him. Jaehwan is used to looking at Taekwoon's little pout, his pretty features, and wanting to mess him up a little. Like this? Jaehwan wouldn't mind getting messed up. Probably. With a few drinks in him.

Well, Jaehwan thinks. That's interesting. Unexpected, but interesting.

Once rehearsal is over, Jaehwan finds himself sidling up to Taekwoon's side. "Well," he purrs. "Don't you just make an _irresistible_ closet case."

Taekwoon shoots him a look of irritation. Jaehwan rather thinks that if Taekwoon were a cat, his tail would be flicking in irritation. "Go away, Jaehwan."

"I mean, you had me totally convinced," Jaehwan continues. Taekwoon tries walking away and Jaehwan sticks tightly to his side, a little extra bounce in his step. "I never would've guessed you and Hakyeonnie were—" He elbows Taekwoon to make sure he's looking and then mimes a blowjob with his hand, sticking his tongue against the inside of his cheek. "You know."

"That's—that's _not_ true," Taekwoon says hotly, his face flushing as he avoids Jaehwan's eyes. It's a sharp contrast against his confidence in rehearsal, and Jaehwan finds it fascinating.

"Aw, it's okay, Taekwoon," Jaehwan says, daring to pat Taekwoon's shoulder. He gets swatted for his troubles. "Boyfriends can have sex, it's not embarrassing—"

"Shut _up,_ " Taekwoon says, his voice rising in pitch and volume.

Jaehwan raises his eyebrows. "Wow. Didn't know you could even be that loud, Taekwoonie. I almost want to apologize to y'all's neighbors _for_ you."

"You," Taekwoon seethes. "You're so—god, you don't understand _anything—_ "

" _Oh._ " Jaehwan widens his eyes for dramatic effect. He would pat Taekwoon's shoulder again, but he worries his hand might get bitten off if he does that. "That's actually really sweet, Taekwoon."

Taekwoon narrows his eyes. "What's sweet?"

"I mean, you're obviously waiting for marriage—"

"Oh, fuck off," Taekwoon spits, turning on his heel and using his long legs to speed-walk away down a small side path.

"I was just trying to compliment your acting!" Jaehwan calls at Taekwoon's back. He takes a moment to appreciate what a fine back it is. Muscular, broad, clad in a fitted shirt. It's really anyone’s guess as to how someone as prudish and grumpy as Taekwoon landed in a body like that.

When Taekwoon disappears around the corner of a building, Jaehwan shrugs and continues on his way back to his apartment. He whistles as he walks. Getting under Taekwoon's skin always brightens his mood.

His whistling turns into a tiny shriek when he opens the door to his apartment and someone is sitting on his couch.

"Jesus, calm down," the person says. "The neighbors'll think you're getting murdered."

Jaehwan flicks on the light. " _Sanghyuk?_ How the hell did you get in here?"

Sanghyuk shrugs. "You don't lock your door." He raises the bottle in his hand to his mouth.

"It's fuckin' creepy that you know that and—hey, is that mine?"

Sanghyuk takes a swig and licks his lip. "Yep."

"Bitch," Jaehwan huffs. "At least pay me back for that."

Sanghyuk arches his brow and takes another sip. "No lecture on the morality of underage drinking?"

"Do I look like Hakyeon? Pass it here and gimme a turn, you fuck, don't you have any manners?"

Sanghyuk laughs and starts to lean forward, but then stops and clutches the bottle tightly to his chest. "Maybe—it's like, not even 10 p.m., Jaehwan."

Jaehwan pulls a face. "Are you really gonna lecture me about this when you committed B&E to get into my apartment and steal my booze?"

Sanghyuk hesitates.

Jaehwan stares at Sanghyuk for a moment and then sighs. "Okay, what the hell is up with you?"

Sanghyuk fidgets for a few seconds, actually looking his age for once.

Jaehwan narrows his eyes. "Did you talk to Hakyeon?" The lack of response is answer enough. "Lord, I should've known that boy can't keep his mouth shut."

"As if you have any room to talk," Sanghyuk says under his breath before snapping his mouth shut and returning to looking vaguely uncomfortable and remorseful.

And that— _that_ is something Jaehwan doesn't want to deal with. Someone younger than him looking at him like they have to be careful around him, like Jaehwan is something to be handled with care and delicacy. It's bad enough when it comes from Hakyeon, but Sanghyuk? Sanghyuk shouldn't know, Sanghyuk has no _right_ to know. This was supposed to be a fresh start for Jaehwan, someplace he wouldn't constantly be seen through the lens of _that poor kid_ or _the crazy boy,_ and now here's Sanghyuk tiptoeing around him like he's a house of cards ready to fall to pieces. Jaehwan wants to laugh and tell Sanghyuk that he's more like a minefield; cards don't take everyone around them down with them.

"So it was Hakyeon, huh?" Jaehwan says, trying to keep his voice light. "That gossipy bitch."

Sanghyuk laughs nervously. "That definitely sounds like Hakyeon."

"Doesn't it?" Jaehwan plops down on the couch next to Sanghyuk. When he can feel Sanghyuk trying to scoot away so Jaehwan can have his personal space, Jaehwan casually throws a leg over Sanghyuk's lap and leans back with an expectant smile. "Now, you mind giving me some of that?"

Sanghyuk's movements are still halting, but he holds the bottle out far enough that Jaehwan can grab it and take a healthy swig. It's his good rum (or, well, his not-entirely-shitty rum), but it still burns slightly going down. He gives it half a second before pouring at least another shot's worth in his mouth. He knows he's not feeling it just yet, but even the warmth diffusing through his stomach seems to untie the knot of anxiety there, making it that much easier for him to breathe.

Sanghyuk makes weak attempts at protest, but Jaehwan waves him off. "Listen, I'm not a little bitch like Hakyeon," he says. "So we're gonna have a nice agreement like two actual adults, okay?"

Sanghyuk's brow furrows. "About what?"

"About our friendship in general. Everything about our friendship is gonna be so much easier if you keep your nose in your business and I'll keep my nose in mine. And yes, I know my nose is fabulous, but trust me when I say you don't want it in your business. It's very pointy. Could probably kill a man." Jaehwan rustles around in the crack behind the sofa and finds a half-empty two-liter of Coca-Cola. "Also, could you pass me that cup over there on the table? And that plastic knife."

Sanghyuk nods slowly, reaching forward to follow Jaehwan's instructions. Jaehwan sighs and wonders how the boy ever manages to be around Hakyeon, who talks just as much as Jaehwan does.

"You see, Sanghyukkie," Jaehwan says as he blows dust out of the bottom of the solo cup and pours a shot or three into it, "Hakyeon likes to think he's other people's mom. Which is fine when it's a freshie like you—"

"Hey," Sanghyuk interrupts, sounding slightly offended.

"But," Jaehwan continues, "as you know, and as Hakyeon should know pretty damn well at this point, I don't do too great with parental figures. Kinda makes me wanna kick him in the nads, if I'm completely honest."

"He's kind of a lot, but I'm pretty sure he thinks he's doing the right thing," Sanghyuk says, and of _course_ he comes to Hakyeon's defense, because Hakyeon is one of those people that everyone wants to believe in. Fuck, Jaehwan loves him, but sometimes he wants to choke him. Just a little. And non-sexually. Mostly.

"Hakyeon always believes he's doing the right thing," Jaehwan says breezily as he tops his drink off with the soda. "But something you gotta learn if you actually wanna be friends with him long-term—just because he believes it doesn't mean it's true."

Sanghyuk frowns. "But didn't he help you a lot?"

Jaehwan winces and then takes a sip of his drink to try to hide it. "Yeah, well. I'm not saying he's a bad friend, I'm just saying that sometimes you gotta remember that Cha Hakyeon is not the be-all and end-all of right and wrong, okay? Sometimes you just gotta trust your gut."

"But how do you know your gut's right and Hakyeon's not?"

Jaehwan pulls a face. "Listen, Sanghyuk. Letting other people fuck up your life is childhood. When you start fucking up your own life? That's when you know you're a fuckin' adult."

"That—that doesn't seem right," Sanghyuk says unsurely.

"Trust me." Jaehwan tosses back more of his drink than he probably should, but he doesn't mind at this point. The shots from earlier are hitting his system, making his tongue pleasantly loose and his body warm. "I know all about adulthood."

"You mean fucking up your own life?" Sanghyuk asks, seeming like he's fighting back a smile.

"Oh, yeah," Jaehwan says with a grin. "I'm a goddamn professional at that."

"Well, then." Sanghyuk claps his hands on his knees and stands up. "I'm gonna leave you to, uh, be a professional adult here with your rum."

"Aw, you're no fun," Jaehwan whines. "You're gonna make me drink alone?"

"I'm not making you do anything," Sanghyuk says as he makes his way to the door. "Aren't you an adult? You're just doing it all on your own." His tone is teasing, but the words cut Jaehwan deeper than he'd like to admit. Or, well, they would cut him if his head wasn't buzzing slightly. The joys of alcohol, Jaehwan muses. Not getting pissed at children judging his life choices.

He jumps slightly in his seat when he hears the door close and he realizes Sanghyuk's left. He huffs and stretches out on his sofa, taking advantage of the space that's been freed up.

For a few seconds, he contemplates knocking back a couple allergy pills and passing the fuck out for the night. It's been a damn long week, and he's not sure he wants to deal with the knowledge that Hakyeon is sharing his life story with freshmen Hakyeon doesn't even realize he wants to fuck.

Hakyeon. Jaehwan sighs. That probably needs to be dealt with. He reaches for his bag, snatching his phone out of the side pocket and firing a message off as quickly as he can.

May as well make use of the alcohol already in his system, he figures.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

By the time he hears Hakyeon knocking at the door, Jaehwan is well and truly drunk. He's also worked himself up into just a tiny bit of a rage. Just a bit. "It's unlocked," he yells.

He hears the click and creak of the door opening and feet striding across the threshold. "How did you know it was me?" Hakyeon demands. "I could've been a serial killer. You could've _died._ "

Jaehwan snorts. "You actually use the fuckin' knocker on the door," he points out. “You're literally the only person I know who does that."

"That's what it's there for!"

"No, it's there because it makes this shithole apartment look like it could've been almost classy in another life."

Hakyeon sniffs. "Well, you heard me, didn't you?"

"I sure did." Jaehwan sits up on the sofa, swaying slightly. "I heard somethin' else, too."

Hakyeon freezes. "Oh, really? Well, you know, you can't believe everything you hear—"

"Is that what you said to Sanghyuk when you told him my fuckin' life story?" Jaehwan interrupts. He thinks he might be coming off more aggressively than he really intends to, but right now he just wants to get this conversation over with. "'Cause, you know, I didn't realize you thought it was your story to tell."

"Jaehwan," Hakyeon starts, his voice soft and soothing, like he's trying to calm a spooked animal.

Jaehwan scoffs irritably and takes a swig of rum instead of listening.

Hakyeon's eyes fly to the bottle before narrowing. "How drunk are you?"

"Drunk enough to tell you I'm fuckin' mad about you telling that damn _rugrat_ about my life without asking," Jaehwan spits. "Here he comes, fuckin' Saint Hakyeon, holy in his own goddamn mind, ready to share with the masses—except, oh no! Wait!" Jaehwan feigns surprise. "It's not _his_ to fuckin' share in the first place."

"Jaehwan—" Hakyeon pleads, his eyes wide. "Please, just listen—"

"What, you want to talk even more? Since you haven't done enough of that already?" Jaehwan laughs, his voice cracking halfway through. "Hey, I've got an idea. How about you tell me all about _your_ shitty past, and then _I_ can tell everyone about it? Sound like a fuckin' plan to you, Hakyeon?"

"Shut _up,_ " Hakyeon bursts out shrilly, his anger almost palpable. "For fuck's sake, _you're_ the one who said I'm not your therapist, so stop fucking _treating_ me like one."

Jaehwan blinks, surprised at the outburst. "What?"

"Listen," Hakyeon fumes. "I know you're going through shit, Jaehwan, I _get_ that. And I want you to have somebody you can go to, and I love being your friend, I just—" he breaks off and Jaehwan realizes belatedly that Hakyeon's eyes are shining with angry tears. _Shit._

"I—I'm sorry, Hakyeon," Jaehwan says, confused at how the conversation has turned around.

"No, shut the fuck up." Hakyeon sniffs, swiping impatiently at his eyes with the heel of his palm. "I don't want an apology from you, Jaehwan. I know who you are, I knew who you were like before I told you to come live here. I knew you were fucked up and I expected this, honestly, but—I can't." Hakyeon takes a deep, shaking breath. "I can't do it all on my own."

Panic twists inside Jaehwan's chest, so intense that he can feel it even through his drunken haze. "No," he whispers, lunging forward on the sofa to grab at Hakyeon's sleeve. "Don't—don't leave me, please—"

"I'm not leaving you, you fucking idiot," Hakyeon mumbles. "I'm telling you to—to either get a therapist or make more friends."

"I have friends," Jaehwan says weakly. When he sees Hakyeon's skeptical expression, he hastily adds, "I'll do anything, though, I can make more friends, I'll be friends with the whole fuckin' school, just please don't go—"

"I _told_ you I'm not leaving," Hakyeon repeats, settling his hand on top of the one Jaehwan has twisted in his shirt. "But...Jaehwan, you have to make friends you can actually talk to about your shit. I'm—I can't be your emotional pack mule. I want to help you, but I can't carry you alone. And you can't rely on just me, Jaehwan, it's not healthy, just look at you—"

Jaehwan rears back, hurt. "What do you mean, look at me?"

"Look at how freaked out you are just by me telling you that something has to change," Hakyeon says sadly. "I don't want you to be completely dependent on me, Jaehwan."

"I'm not," Jaehwan says stubbornly. "I'm an adult, I can handle myself—"

"Jaehwan, don't start that with me," Hakyeon interrupts. "That's a fight you will lose."

"I—I just don't understand," Jaehwan says, and he sounds a little desperate even to his own ears. "What am I doing wrong? What do I have to fix? I'm trying, I just—"

"I know you're trying, babe," Hakyeon says. "But listen. You need to learn to actually deal with your shit. I can't be the one sitting here bearing the brunt of your mood swings, I can't just tell you it's okay whenever you engage in self-destructive behavior, and I _really_ can't deal with you biting my head off every time I try to tell you to change. I'm not your—" Hakyeon cuts himself off, seeming to think better of his word choice, opting instead to say, "I'm not obligated to love you."

"What were you gonna say?" Jaehwan whispers. "Say it, Hakyeon."

"No," Hakyeon says firmly. "You hurt yourself enough, already. I'm not going to add to that."

"Were you gonna say you're not my mother?" Jaehwan says. Hakyeon doesn't respond, but he doesn't need to; the look of regret on his face says it all. "Trust me, I know damn well you're not my mother."

"Jaehwan—"

"I mean, you meddle almost as much in my life, but—"

" _Jaehwan._ Stop." Hakyeon rubs at his forehead. "This is part of what I’m talking about, okay? This whole...I don’t even know what to call it. Acidic humor? The way you get mean as hell whenever I try to actually talk to you about something? I’m not obligated to love you, Jaehwan, but I do anyway,” he says fiercely. “Because you’re my friend and I _want_ to help you, but that means that when I talk to you about shit, you have to listen to me instead of just throwing barbs at me. This is what I mean when I say I can’t do it alone.”

“What difference is having more people to yell at gonna make?” Jaehwan says under his breath.

“Maybe start with, I don’t know, _not_ yelling at people?” Hakyeon says exasperatedly. “Just— _talk_ to us. And not in these cryptic little tidbits, either. Actually talk about your feelings.”

Jaehwan burrows down into the couch cushions and smushes his face against the armrest. “That sounds fake,” he says, voice muffled by the fabric in his mouth. (He thinks it might be corduroy, and why the _fuck_ does he have a corduroy couch?)

He hears Hakyeon sigh, and hell, even Hakyeon’s sigh is more motherly than Jaehwan’s mother ever was. The couch cushions dip in front of him as Hakyeon takes a seat. “C’mon, Jaehwan,” he says gently. “I feel like...you came all the way out here to get away from your parents, right?”

Jaehwan grunts in acknowledgement into the couch cushions. Hakyeon seems to take this as a sign of encouragement.

“You wanted them to stop running your life and controlling you, right? But the way you’re living now...is this really the way you want to live?”

“I’m too drunk for this level of philosophical bullshit,” Jaehwan groans. “I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life, you _know_ this.”

“And that’s okay.” Something rustles in Jaehwan’s hair. Hakyeon is petting him. Like a dog. Jaehwan finds he doesn’t mind as much as he thought he would, turning his head slightly into the touch. “Jaehwan, none of us know what the hell we’re doing. Seniors don’t even know what they’re doing. We’re all a mess, and it’s okay.”

“I feel like I’m even more of a mess, though,” Jaehwan says forlornly. “Other people are like, a normal dumpster. I’m like a dumpster that’s on fire. I’m a human dumpster fire.”

He hears Hakyeon try to cover his laugh with a fake cough. It’s not convincing at all. “I’m not saying you need to fix yourself right away,” he says. “I mean, I don’t think anyone can be totally ‘fine’ or whatever at the end of the day, at least not a hundred percent. We’re all a little bit fucked up in some ways. We just try to figure out how we all fit together.”

Jaehwan lifts his head enough that he can squint at Hakyeon. “How long did it take you to write that? It’s actually pretty good.”

“It only took me like fifteen minutes,” Hakyeon replies. “But do you get what I’m saying?”

Jaehwan thinks for a few seconds, trying to get his swimming thoughts into some semblance of order, but he gives up quickly. “I don’t get it.”

The laugh Hakyeon lets out is quiet, little more than an exhale, but it ruffles Jaehwan’s hair and he swears he can feel the warmth of it against his skin. It’s nice. “I just want you to promise you’ll try, okay? I can’t stand watching you do this to yourself.”

“Do what?” Jaehwan asks, even though he has a pretty good idea of what.

“Sabotaging yourself all the time,” Hakyeon replies. “Digging yourself deeper and deeper and biting the hand of anyone who tries to pull you out.”

“Biting isn’t my kink,” Jaehwan slurs.

“Shut up, you dumbass,” Hakyeon says, but his voice is fond. “Stop avoiding the issue.”

Jaehwan whines, “You can’t do this to me while I’m drunk.”

“Well, then, tell me a time when I can actually find you sober,” Hakyeon snipes back. When Jaehwan can’t answer, Hakyeon says, “Exactly.”

Jaehwan groans in protest again. “But change is _hard._ ”

“I know,” Hakyeon says. “And it sucks and it’s not fair and it’s not your fault, but still—I love you, Jaehwan. And I know if you let other people actually see you, they’ll love you too. Stop driving people away just because you’re scared they’re going to leave.”

“Ouch,” Jaehwan mumbles. “Can’t you just let me live in denial?”

“No,” Hakyeon says crisply. “Look at you, Jaehwan.”

Jaehwan blinks blearily up at him. “What do you mean?”

Hakyeon sighs. “Don’t play stupid, Jaehwan. It doesn’t suit you. Or at least, not this time.”

“Rude.” Jaehwan rolls over slightly. “I—I don’t know if I can do it.”

“That’s fair,” Hakyeon says. “But can you at least try?”

Jaehwan squirms on the couch, the corduroy texture fascinating against his skin when he’s inebriated. “I can...maybe...try,” he says, dragging out the words like if he takes long enough Hakyeon will call the whole thing off.

“Good.” Hakyeon hesitates for a second before adding more quietly, “And I really am sorry. About telling Sanghyuk. I should’ve asked you first.”

A part of Jaehwan wants to stay angry, but he’s never been particularly good at that. He’s quick to anger and quick to forgive, and Hakyeon is no exception, even if he did do something stupid. “Thanks, Hakyeon,” Jaehwan replies. “And, uh, sorry for being a handful all the time.”

He feels Hakyeon’s fingers run through his hair again. “It’s all right. I kind of figured you were a handful before I even met you.”

“Is that an insult?”

“Trust me, sweetheart,” Hakyeon says, “if I’m insulting you, you’ll know.” Jaehwan hears the buzz of a phone and Hakyeon’s hand leaves his hair. “Oh, I have to go now.”

“What?” Jaehwan asks, pouting up at Hakyeon. “You can’t just _leave_ me here.”

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow at him. “Jaehwan, I’m an adult with my own life. I’m not your babysitter. This is what I was talking about.”

Jaehwan sprawls his limbs dramatically across the back of the couch. “All I want is love and affection,” he moans.

“Then be yourself instead of”—Hakyeon waves his hand—“whatever front you’ve been putting up for everyone.”

“But if I’m myself and they don’t like me then what do I do?” Jaehwan says, trying to play it off as a joke but falling slightly flat. He laughs nervously and shoots finger guns at Hakyeon. “Hey, relatable self-doubt depression stuff. I should start a twitter account.”

Hakyeon snorts and drops a kiss to Jaehwan’s hair. “Maybe before you make a joke, actually listen to yourself.”

Jaehwan grunts into the couch cushion. It’s good advice, but it sounds painful. He’ll deal with it when he’s sober, he decides.

“All right, I’m off to help Taekwoonie with the laundry,” Hakyeon says, standing up.

Jaehwan’s ears perk up at the mention of Taekwoon, or as he likes to think of him, the perfect joke fodder. “Damn, that’s the most domestic thing I’ve heard, even from you two,” he says. “When’s the wedding?”

“Shut up,” Hakyeon says good-naturedly. “You know how Taekwoon feels about jokes like that.”

“Of course I do,” Jaehwan agrees. “That’s why I make them.”

“You’re a menace,” Hakyeon says as he walks toward the door.

“Say hello to your darling wife for me,” Jaehwan calls out. He can hear Hakyeon’s laugh before the door closes, and it’s bittersweet, to receive that fondness in parting.

The door clicks closed and for the second time that day, Jaehwan is left alone on the couch with nothing but his drunk self and too many thoughts spinning in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was....a typo.........it's fixed let's pretend it never happened okay okay i knew i could trust y'all


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay, cool." Sanghyuk edges slowly into the kitchen to grab a bowl and stand awkwardly behind Taekwoon. "Uh, you're standing in front of the pot — "
> 
> "Am I boring?" Taekwoon asks, voice quiet.
> 
> "What?" Sanghyuk frowns. "Is this like, a riddle I have to answer to get noodles?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so there's some drunken stupidity in this chapter, including some slightly sexual stuff that might be a little dubious so. be careful and take care of yourself ♡

Taekwoon has thought of many words to describe Jaehwan. Obnoxious, infantile, a pain in the ass.

He never thought he'd add the word soft to the list.

But lo and behold, as Jaehwan stands in front of him, looking up into his eyes with a hopeful smile, soft is the only word that enters Taekwoon's mind.

Which is a problem, since he's supposed to be delivering his lines. He blinks rapidly, racking his brain for the words he knows he's supposed to say. His mind is swimming with the stage instructions Hakyeon’s been barking out and then there’s Jaehwan, looking at him so sweetly that it's almost enough to make Taekwoon believe there's something soft and good in him.

Almost.

"Let's get some air," Taekwoon finally says, remembering his line. He tries not to wince; even for blocking, he sounds stiff and distracted.

"All right," Hakyeon says. "And then we're gonna — okay all of you _move,_ stage left, we have to give the illusion of them leaving the room and — Han Sanghyuk, do _not_ use this as an excuse to leave the stage and get on your phone, I don't care what your frat brothers are texting you about — "

Taekwoon lets himself relax as Hakyeon rattles off commands. It's fine, they're not so far into rehearsal that his delivery is going to cause a problem just yet, everything is _fine_ —

"Wow, Taekwoonie," Jaehwan drawls, his voice sweet but his eyes sharp. "You're really good at playing this part, you know that?"

And there it goes, Taekwoon thinks. Any illusion that Jaehwan isn't just as massive a prick as Taekwoon thought he was is gone. He doesn't reply to Jaehwan. If he just doesn't give Jaehwan the reaction he's looking for, maybe he'll leave Taekwoon alone —

"Although, I will say," Jaehwan whispers, leaning toward Taekwoon conspiratorially, "you have kind of an advantage with this role, don't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Taekwoon mutters, trying to put as much space between them as he can without actually stepping away; he doesn't want to get yelled at by Hakyeon for moving without permission.

"Oh, come on, Taekwoonie," Jaehwan says with a knowing wink, and _god_ it's a challenge for Taekwoon to resist hitting him. Just a little. "The way Jason won't let loose even a little? It's like the role was made for you."

"I — I can let loose," Taekwoon insists. "I have fun."

"Oh, really?" Jaehwan arches an eyebrow. "When?"

"With my friends," Taekwoon says stubbornly.

"What about when all your friends are out?" Jaehwan asks. "I mean, I know Hakyeon and Sanghyuk love parties because, you know, I see them there. Unlike you."

"Parties aren't my thing," Taekwoon deflects.

Jaehwan laughs. "That's what boring people say."

"I'm not boring," Taekwoon says hotly. "I just do other things."

"Like what?" Jaehwan teases. "It must get lonely sitting around on your own all the time."

And that stings, more than Taekwoon wants to admit, because it's become more and more true lately. "Hakyeon," he starts weakly, but Jaehwan cuts him off.

"Hakyeon goes out with people." Jaehwan giggles. "Hakyeon goes out with _me._ "

"Hakyeon's an extrovert," Taekwoon replies. "We're different, and that's _fine —_ "

Jaehwan tilts his head. "Why are y'all friends, anyway?"

"Excuse me?"

"I don't mean that in a mean sort of way," Jaehwan says, but Taekwoon has a very hard time believing he's telling the truth. "But seriously, how do you even...make friends?"

Taekwoon opens his mouth to answer, but Hakyeon is descending on them, issuing rapid-fire instructions that Taekwoon has to scramble to understand. It frees Taekwoon from having to talk to Jaehwan, but it doesn't stop his words from niggling at the back of his mind.

Taekwoon thinks he's good at things. No, he _knows_ he's good at things. He knows he's a good singer, a good soccer player, a pretty decent-looking guy. Unfortunately, one of the things he hasn't always been the best at is people. It had bothered him in high school, but then freshman year had happened and _Hakyeon_ had happened, and Taekwoon had started to think that maybe there hadn't been anything wrong with him all along.

He hates that all it takes is a few words from some arrogant asshole who doesn't even _know_ him to tear it all down.

He's still fuming about it later that night when he's making ramen at the apartment for him and Sanghyuk (because the kid seems to have a sixth sense just for telling when he can get free food). Hakyeon is still out at some club activity or another, so Taekwoon can't just talk to him about it and how the hell is Taekwoon meant to process emotions if Hakyeon isn’t there to tell him why he’s feeling what he’s feeling?

"Hey, Taekwoon," Sanghyuk says from the island that faces their kitchen. "You, uh...doing all right?"

"Yes," Taekwoon says. The pot threatens to boil over and he glares at it. "Why?"

"You seem a little on edge or something."

"I'm not on edge," Taekwoon says as he jabs at the noodles with his chopsticks. "I think these are done."

"Okay, cool." Sanghyuk edges slowly into the kitchen to grab a bowl and stand awkwardly behind Taekwoon. "Uh, you're standing in front of the pot — "

"Am I boring?" Taekwoon asks, voice quiet.

"What?" Sanghyuk frowns. "Is this like, a riddle I have to answer to get noodles?"

"No," Taekwoon says, hastily stepping to the side so Sanghyuk can serve himself. "I just — never mind."

"I don't think you're boring," Sanghyuk says. "I mean, you're not a party animal or anything but you're you, you know?"

"What does that _mean?_ " Taekwoon asks, frustrated. "Just because I'm me doesn't mean that — that it's a good thing or — "

"Whoa, there." Sanghyuk's eyes are wide. "I mean, everyone's different and it's cool, right?"

Taekwoon squints at him. "You're in a frat. Somehow I get the feeling that people who don't party aren't generally in your friend group."

"Hey, don't stereotype fraternities, dude," Sanghyuk replies. "It's a bond of brotherhood and shit."

"I believe the shit part," Taekwoon says under his breath.

Sanghyuk smacks Taekwoon's arm and it fucking _stings._ The kid is stronger than he realizes (or maybe he's just getting more violent with time). "Don't talk about frats like that. You know, Hongbin rushed a frat when he was a freshman — "

"Hongbin's kind of an asshole," Taekwoon says flatly. "What's your point?"

Sanghyuk throws his free hand in the air. "Okay, whatever, frats are terrible, you win. Should I just leave you in peace, then?"

"No," Taekwoon says hurriedly. "No, that's — that's not what I meant. I just — it was something Jaehwan said at rehearsal."

Sanghyuk's face breaks into a grin and Taekwoon's stomach sinks. "Oh, man, what did Jaehwan say now?"

"Just that — I don't know." Taekwoon busies himself with preparing a bowl of noodles for himself. "Do you think — do you think I should go to parties?"

Sanghyuk snorts into his bowl. "Sorry, I just had a vision of you standing in the middle of a crowded dance floor and looking like a deer in headlights."

"You don't know that," Taekwoon insists. "Maybe I'd be really good at it."

"'Good at it,'" Sanghyuk repeats after him. "Good at _what?_ "

"You know," Taekwoon says, suddenly extremely self-aware. "Partying. Dancing. Stuff."

"Wait, have you never been to a party?" Sanghyuk asks incredulously. "Like, not even _one_ during your freshman year?"

Taekwoon bristles. "Not everyone does that."

Sanghyuk sits back, shaking his head. "I mean, I guess I knew that objectively, but it's weird to actually hear it, you know? Damn...I can't believe I have more life experience than you."

"You do _not,_ " Taekwoon squawks. "I'm _older_ thank you — "

"Yeah," Sanghyuk replies with a grin. "And I've gone to more parties and gotten way more pussy than you, I bet."

Taekwoon's mouth works for a couple seconds as he tries to process that statement. "I'm — I'm gay," he hears himself say.

Sanghyuk's chopsticks freeze halfway to his mouth. "You are?"

Now it's Taekwoon's turn to look at Sanghyuk disbelievingly. "You didn't know?"

"How am I supposed to know these things?" Sanghyuk says defensively. "I mean, the only other gay person I know is Hakyeon — "

Taekwoon chokes down a laugh. For all that Sanghyuk claims to have more "life experience," his gaydar seems to be broken beyond repair.

" — and he's — wait, are you two dating?" Sanghyuk demands. "Holy shit, that's so — "

"No," Taekwoon snaps, blushing. "Just because two gay guys are roommates doesn't mean they're dating, dumbass."

"Have you two, like" — Sanghyuk waggles his eyebrows — "you know?"

" _No,_ " Taekwoon says vehemently. God, his face feels like it's on fire. "We've never — we're _not dating._ "

"Have you ever kissed?" Sanghyuk asks curiously. Taekwoon instinctively tries to deny it, but he realizes...they have. Kissing Hakyeon is something that he has done, and it hasn't really hit him until now.

He's snapped out of his thoughts by Sanghyuk crowing victoriously, "Oh my god, you _have,_ I _knew_ it!"

"Shut up, you didn't know shit," Taekwoon mutters. "You didn't even know I was gay."

"That's so — I mean, it's totally chill and I support you guys, obviously, but just — wow." Sanghyuk sits back in his chair with a look of wonder on his face. "It's such a foreign concept, you know? What's it like, kissing a guy?"

"Um," Taekwoon says intelligently. "It's — soft? I guess."

Sanghyuk nods sagely as if Taekwoon has imparted deep wisdom. "I see."

"How did we even get on this topic?" Taekwoon asks abruptly. "I mean, we were talking about me going to parties and then — "

At that moment, Taekwoon hears something terrible. He hears the turn of the key in the lock, which means —

"Excuse me," Hakyeon says as he sweeps into the apartment and immediately makes a beeline for Taekwoon, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Do my ears deceive me? Did I just hear Jung Taekwoon talking about going to a party? Sanghyuk, you've done the lord's work, I've been trying to do this since freshman year, it's gonna be _amazing —_ "

"That's not what I said," Taekwoon says weakly, slightly breathless from how Hakyeon is squeezing him. "It was — hypothetical, please don't — "

"Shush," Hakyeon says, placing a finger over Taekwoon's lips to quiet him. "Don't protest."

Taekwoon glares up at him and then tries to bite his finger. Unfortunately, Hakyeon is far too used to that to let Taekwoon get even close to actually chomping down on his finger. Sanghyuk is watching with wide eyes and Taekwoon wonders if he's trying to analyze them for gayness in light of the new information he's received.

"There's nothing to protest," Taekwoon insists. "We were just talking about, you know, things, not actual _plans —_ "

"Carpe diem, Taekwoonie." Hakyeon squeezes him even tighter, making him wheeze. "Hey, Sanghyukkie, is that party at the cinema frat still happening tomorrow?"

Sanghyuk shrugs. "Yeah, I think so?"

Hakyeon turns to Taekwoon and pats his arm knowingly. "Don't worry, they're a professional frat so they care way less about ratios than other frats."

"Ratios?" Taekwoon asks, confused.

"Yeah, you know, guys to girls," Sanghyuk says. "You don't wanna have a whole bunch of guys when your brothers are trying to get laid — " He freezes. "I mean, I guess you guys would want guys because, you know. That — would be your thing?"

Hakyeon snorts. "Congratulations, Sanghyuk, you understand the definition of homosexuality."

Sanghyuk pouts. "Don't make fun of me, I'm trying."

"Sure." Hakyeon turns his attention back to Taekwoon. "So. Tomorrow, I will help you pick out your clothes and do your hair and makeup — "

"Makeup?" Taekwoon blanches. "I don't want — I don't think that's — "

"Shhh, don't worry," Hakyeon reassures him. "It'll be tasteful."

"What do you know about tasteful?" Taekwoon asks, disgruntled.

Hakyeon smacks his arm, and it's the same damn place where Sanghyuk hit him earlier and that's going to _bruise,_ dammit. "I know plenty about tasteful," he sniffs. "I get laid regularly."

"What does that have to do with being tasteful?" Taekwoon grumbles, rubbing at his sore arm.

Hakyeon sighs. "Someday, you will see."

"See what?"

"How fortunate you are to have me in your life." Hakyeon steals a bite of noodles from Taekwoon's bowl before sauntering off to his room. "I'm looking forward to tomorrow, darling!"

Taekwoon watches Hakyeon retreat with disbelief before turning on Sanghyuk. "This is your fault."

"No, it's not!" Sanghyuk says. "You were the one talking about parties when he came in."

Taekwoon huffs, unable to dispute that. "Well...then it's Jaehwan's fault. He started it. Fuck him."

"Why is it Jaehwan's fault?" Sanghyuk asks, puzzled.

Taekwoon crosses his arms stubbornly. "It just is."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 "You're kind of pasty, but we'll make it work," Hakyeon says as he rustles through Taekwoon's closet. "Maybe this — ugh, god, Taekwoon, why do you even _own_ orange?"

Taekwoon squints at the offending article of clothing. "Is that even mine?"

"It's in your closet," Hakyeon replies.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's _mine._ " Taekwoon flops back onto his bed and stares at the ceiling. "Why can't I just wear this?" He gestures down at his sweatshirt and jeans that he usually wears on weekends.

"Because you look like Hongbin," Hakyeon says shortly. "Which means you look like a fucking nerd."

"Wow, harsh."

"To Hongbin?"

"No, to me."

Hakyeon laughs brightly before pulling a shirt out. "How about this?"

Taekwoon looks at the black shirt Hakyeon has pulled out. "Won't long sleeves be too hot?"

"Nah, it's nighttime and most of the party's gonna be outside." Hakyeon waves the shirt at him. "And it's not long-sleeved, they're three-quarter sleeves."

Taekwoon contemplates the shirt. "I can wear jeans with it though, right?"

Hakyeon sighs heavily. "Yes, you can wear jeans. Since you own nothing else. At least pick one of the pairs that show a decent amount of skin."

"Why?" Taekwoon asks cautiously.

"Because you have nice legs," Hakyeon replies. "And you need to flash enough skin that no one notices that your ass is barely there."

"Hey," Taekwoon says, offended. "I could be worse. I could be Namjoon."

"We don't make fun of those less fortunate than us, Taekwoon," Hakyeon says sternly. "If I did that, I'd constantly be making fun of everyone and that would be rude."

Taekwoon snorts, but Hakyeon ignores him and throws the shirt at his face. "Here, put this on."

Taekwoon grumbles but does as he's told, stripping off his sweatshirt and tugging the shirt Hakyeon's chosen for him over his head. He looks in the mirror and pulls a face. "It's too tight."

Hakyeon looks up at him. "What are you even talking about?"

Taekwoon awkwardly shrugs his shoulders and plucks at the hem of the shirt. "I mean — _look_ at it."

Hakyeon is giving him a very unimpressed look. "I am looking at it."

Taekwoon gestures at his torso. "You can — _see_ everything."

Hakyeon snorts. "You mean you can see the actual shape of your body? Yes, Taekwoon, that's kind of the point. Now find some sexy jeans. If your balls aren't in danger of falling out of the rips, you're not showing enough skin."

By the time Taekwoon finds a pair of jeans that satisfies Hakyeon (and also convinces him not to go at them with a pair of scissors), Sanghyuk has shown up and is watching with interest as Hakyeon threatens Taekwoon with a kohl pencil.

"Come here," Hakyeon says menacingly. "I'm going to make you beautiful."

"Fuck you, I wake up beautiful," Taekwoon says, trying to wriggle away from him.

"Jung Taekwoon, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, and the hard way runs a much higher risk of me stabbing your eyeball with this pencil."

Taekwoon pouts but finally lets Hakyeon sit him down on the bed. "Is this necessary?" he whines when Hakyeon straddles his lap so he can shove his face directly into Taekwoon's.

"Don't distract the artist," Hakyeon says before using his thumb to pull Taekwoon's eyelid up. Taekwoon thinks he probably looks horrifying, but he values his eyesight too much to protest.

He can't stop himself from making distressed noises when Hakyeon starts running the pencil _through his goddamn eyelashes,_ though.

"What are you _doing?_ " Taekwoon complains.

"It's called tightlining, you wuss," Hakyeon replies. "Look down, it makes both of our lives easier."

"You look like the Exorcist," Sanghyuk comments.

"Thanks, Hyuk-ah," Taekwoon says sarcastically. "I feel really good about myself now."

“You’re welcome,” Sanghyuk says cheerfully and then pulls a flask out of his jacket pocket. “You want some tequila?”

Taekwoon looks questioningly at Hakyeon, who shrugs. “I mean, you’re pretty much done with makeup and your hair isn’t terrible. Go ahead.”

Taekwoon gingerly takes the flask. “Are we gonna be able to make it to the party if we’re drinking this ahead of time?”

Sanghyuk laughs. “How smashed are you gonna get from a little bit of tequila?”

Taekwoon wrinkles his nose. “I don’t know. I like wine.” He takes a sip and immediately pulls a face and shoves the flask back toward Sanghyuk. “Yeah, no, you can take that. What the _fuck,_ why would people willingly drink that?”

“To get fucked up,” Sanghyuk replies, throwing back a mouthful and shaking his head at the burn.

“You’re so cute, Taekwoonie,” Hakyeon coos, adjusting Taekwoon’s hair carefully. “Don’t worry, we have some vodka and orange juice in the fridge. You won’t even be able to taste the alcohol.”

Taekwoon stares at him. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

Hakyeon laughs. “We’ll watch out for you, don’t worry.” He drops a kiss to the top of Taekwoon’s head and then stands and does the same to Sanghyuk, who freezes at the touch. Hakyeon doesn’t seem to notice, disappearing into the kitchen only to return with drinks and cups. “Just a bit before we head out. Showing up to a party sober is no good.”

“Why?” Taekwoon asks, taking a cup from Hakyeon.

“Because then you realize how gross it is,” Sanghyuk answers for him. “If you’re sober, you can smell other people and feel your shoes sticking to the floor. _Major_ boner-killer.”

Taekwoon looks between the two of them. “You guys aren’t really making this sound very appealing.”

"Don't worry," Hakyeon says as he pours a dubious amount of vodka into Taekwoon's cup and tops it off with orange juice. "It'll be fun!"

Taekwoon looks skeptically at the drink in his hand. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," Sanghyuk says, grabbing the vodka from Hakyeon's hand and taking a swig.

Hakyeon snatches it back and slaps Sanghyuk's hand. "You have a whole flask, you hooligan!"

"Sharing is caring," Sanghyuk whines.

Taekwoon watches the two of them bicker and then downs his entire drink as quickly as he can. He gets the feeling it's going to be a long night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taekwoon watches as Hakyeon hands over money to the people at the front gate. It's less of a gate than a waist-high garden fence, but it still intimidates the hell out of Taekwoon. He leans over to Hakyeon to say, "People pay for this?"

"Duh," Hakyeon replies. "Unless you wanna suck someone's dick to get in."

Taekwoon blanches at the thought. "Ah, no. No, I'm good."

When the guy at the gate is done counting their money, he waves them through and Taekwoon enters what feels like an entirely different realm.

It's loud to start, but the further they go, looping around the side of the house and delving into the backyard, the more deafening it gets. Taekwoon swears he can feel his eyeballs vibrating in his head to the beat of the music, and any quiet moment is filled up by chatter and laughter. He's glad he's tall, because navigating the crowd is difficult even when he can see where he's going. He can't imagine what it's like for some of the girls who only come up to his shoulder.

The people around him don't seem to move in any logical way. Even if Taekwoon tries to avoid people, they seem to be almost magnetically attracted to him, bumping into him and smearing sweaty arms along his without even noticing. He feels slimy, sweaty, more intoxicated by the environment than by alcohol, and it's overwhelming in a way that he can't quite process.

He feels a tug on his hand and looks down to see Hakyeon handing him a can of...something. He can't read the label in the dark, but when he opens it and takes a sip, it's a strange combination of sickly sweet and gritty.

Hakyeon raises his eyebrows at Taekwoon and grins, mouthing _Good?_

Taekwoon hides his grimace and nods back. Part of him wants to go home, but another part of him feels like he has something to prove, as if through sheer stubbornness alone, he can prove Jaehwan wrong. He has to at least give it a chance.

He steels himself and takes another sip. It goes down easier this time, and he finds the taste isn't so bad anymore. He nudges Hakyeon's shoulder and leans down to say, "It's good," practically having to yell directly into Hakyeon's ear to be heard.

Hakyeon beams up at him and Taekwoon feels a warm flush of accomplishment through his chest. He drinks some more. He can do this.

He lets his mind wander for a bit, trying not to get too caught up in the physical sensations around him. The sun's gone down, and the combination of dim lighting and loud music makes everything feel slightly detached and unreal in a way that Taekwoon isn't sure how to feel about. Sanghyuk has disappeared and Hakyeon is chatting and dancing with a gaggle of people Taekwoon's never seen before.

He feels a hand land on his shoulder and he turns to see a familiar face, although it takes him a few seconds to place it. He blames the lighting.

"Wonsik?" he says. "You're here!"

"I am," Wonsik replies, looking amused. "You doing all right there, bud?"

Taekwoon nods, but stops when he realizes his head feels heavy and dizzy. "I'm — not sober," he realizes.

Wonsik laughs, his hand sliding down Taekwoon's shoulder to grip his upper arm. "No, you're really not. Where's Hakyeon?"

Taekwoon swings around to point him out, and Wonsik tugs him along until they're standing next to Hakyeon.

"What'd you give him?" Taekwoon can hear Wonsik ask Hakyeon.

"Some tequila, some vodka, a Four Loko — "

Wonsik laughs. "Jesus, are you trying to kill him?"

"What's a Four Loko?" Taekwoon asks, the words feeling slow and clumsy in his mouth. "Why are there four of them?"

Hakyeon laughs so hard he has to hold onto Wonsik's shoulder. "Isn't he adorable?"

Wonsik smiles up at Taekwoon and Taekwoon smiles back. He thinks usually he'd be annoyed by being called adorable, but right now, he just feels warm and nice. He wants — he isn't entirely sure what he wants, but he stumbles toward Wonsik, his body apparently making the decision for his brain.

Wonsik catches him, laughing at him again. "How much of that have you had?"

Taekwoon almost says _not much,_ but when he lifts the can to demonstrate, he realizes he can't hear any liquid sloshing around inside. "All of it," he says sheepishly.

"All right, let's just...hold off for a bit, okay?" Wonsik takes the can from him. Taekwoon can't really see where he puts it. He hopes Wonsik recycles it. "How about...how about we dance? Does that sound like fun?"

Taekwoon blinks. "I don't know how to dance."

"You don't have to _know_ how to dance at a party," Wonsik replies. "C'mere."

Taekwoon feels a tug at his hips and he realizes Wonsik is pulling him close by his belt loops. "That's — that's dirty," he says, distantly aware that he should probably be more ashamed. "You're dirty, Kim Wonsik."

Wonsik snorts. "It's just dancing, Taek. Don't think about it too hard."

Normally, Taekwoon would have something to say to that; but his mind is blissfully empty right now, and he lets Wonsik press their bodies together and vaguely tries to sway to the rhythm of the music.

"You're nice," he says, letting his head fall forward so it rests on Wonsik's shoulder. "You're a — a good guy, Wonsik."

"Thanks, I try."

Taekwoon hums happily and lets Wonsik guide them. His body feels looser now than it usually does when he has to dance. It feels a little more like when he's playing soccer, his movements confident and easy, as if muscle memory is guiding him. He knows it's not muscle memory because he's never danced like this, but he feels relaxed in a way that's definitely pleasant. Wonsik feels good against him, lean and muscular in a way that Taekwoon likes more than he expected.

"Wonsik," he says after a while.

"Yes?"

"You're so nice."

"Yeah, buddy, you said that already."

"Why are you with Hongbin?" Taekwoon asks, genuinely curious. "I mean, you're so nice, and he's — he's kind of a bitch."

He feels Wonsik's shoulder shaking against his cheek and he realizes Wonsik is laughing. "He definitely can be that," Wonsik agrees. "He's not as much of a bitch as he'd have you believe, though. He's mostly just a giant fucking nerd."

"Everyone says that," Taekwoon says.

"It's because it's true," Wonsik replies. "He's been a nerd for as long as I've known him. You should've seen him in high school. All the girls asked him out and he was too awkward to turn them down even though he's gay."

"I never got asked out in high school," Taekwoon muses. "But everyone knew I was gay. They knew before I knew, which is kinda weird if you think about it, isn't it?"

Wonsik shrugs. "Sometimes we take a long-ass time to realize stuff about ourselves."

Taekwoon nods seriously. "I didn't even know I was Asian until I was like, four."

Wonsik bursts out in laughter, pulling back to meet Taekwoon's eye. "What did you think you were?"

"I...don't know." Taekwoon frowns. "Wow. That's weird."

"It is." Wonsik looks like he's trying not to start laughing at Taekwoon again. "You know, it's okay to — "

" _Jung Taekwoon!_ " someone shrieks in his ear and Taekwoon almost falls over. He turns to see Hakyeon, and even in the dim lighting he can see that his face is bright pink. "I can't believe you didn't let me be your first dance!"

"I'm...sorry?" Taekwoon says, unsure. "Do you want to dance now?"

"You can never have your first time back, Taekwoon," Hakyeon yells dramatically, his voice cracking. Taekwoon has to try very hard not to laugh at him.

"So, you don't? Want to dance?" Taekwoon asks, confused.

"No, don't be a dumbass" Hakyeon grabs Taekwoon's wrist. "Of course I want to dance."

Taekwoon's head is still spinning trying to process what Hakyeon wants, but he finds Hakyeon's body pressed up against him in a way that's far more devious than how Wonsik had danced.

"What are you — " he starts asking, but Hakyeon shushes him with a finger to the lips. Something about his eyes when he's dancing makes it feel almost sensual, which is fucking _weird._ That's his _best friend._

"Just let it happen," Hakyeon says, his body moving in ways that make Wonsik look innocent. "Isn't this fun?"

Taekwoon's mouth is so disconnected from his head that it takes him a moment to realize that he's saying, "I'm too gay for this."

Hakyeon throws back his head and laughs. Taekwoon gets the feeling that he knows exactly how good it makes his neck look. "Come on, Taekwoonie. Just let loose for a bit, okay?"

Taekwoon blinks down at him. "Let loose?"

"Yeah." Hakyeon slips his hands into Taekwoon's back pockets and _wow,_ that is more sensation than Taekwoon had expected from that touch. "Just go with it."

"Go with it," Taekwoon repeats, nodding slowly. He can feel his body starting to relax again the same way it did with Wonsik. "Yeah."

"There you go," Hakyeon croons, and _oh,_ it's nice. Hakyeon is nice, soft and warm against Taekwoon, his hands in Taekwoon's pockets guiding him to move their hips in sync, not quite grinding but still...something. More than Taekwoon can really process.

Hakyeon leans up to ask him, "Do you know what this song is about, Taekwoon?" When Taekwoon shakes his head, Hakyeon continues, "It's about riding dick so you can't even walk the next day."

Taekwoon feels his whole body tense up and he looks down at Hakyeon with wide eyes, who just laughs in response. "But," he says weakly, "Ariana Grande was on Nickelodeon."

Hakyeon laughs and pulls Taekwoon close again. "We all grow up at some point, Taekwoonie."

Taekwoon buries his face in Hakyeon's hair so he doesn't have to respond. He feels hot, fuzzy, too aware of his body but also distant from it. It takes him a moment to realize that every time Hakyeon presses against him, he can feel his own half-mast erection bending awkwardly (and _painfully_ ) against the inside of his jeans.

He whines at Hakyeon, pawing at his front to make him back off so Taekwoon can adjust himself. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that Hakyeon is laughing and that tomorrow he'll want to die when he thinks about this, but right now he just wants the situation _fixed._

As soon as he's comfortable again, someone presses up against his back. He thinks he should probably be alarmed, but the only thing that registers is that the person feels good and their hands are warm on Taekwoon's hips.

"Well, hello there, Taekwoonie."

It takes a moment for the voice to register, but Taekwoon whirls around as soon as it does, stumbling slightly.

Jaehwan steadies him with his hands on Taekwoon's arms and laughs. "Easy there, sweetheart. You seem a little out of your element."

"No," Taekwoon says stubbornly. "I'm just drunk."

"I can tell." Jaehwan smiles. "But you looked like you were having such a good time dancing, I thought I might come over and cut in."

"But Hakyeon — " Taekwoon turns to where Hakyeon had been a minute before, but his best friend has been replaced by a group of girls Taekwoon has never seen before. He turns back to Jaehwan, confused.

"I think he headed inside," Jaehwan offers. "If you wanna dance, though, I can help with that."

Rejections are on the tip of Taekwoon's tongue — _you don't even like me, you could dance with anyone else here, why me?_ — but when he looks down at Jaehwan's face, he's reminded of him onstage, playing the role of Peter. The corner of his mouth is quirked up in a smile instead of a smirk for once, and the way his eyes crinkle is surprisingly soft. He looks less like the bane of Taekwoon's existence and more like...just a cute boy at a party. A cute boy at a party who wants to dance with _Taekwoon,_ of all people.

So he nods and lets Jaehwan pull him in.

When their faces are pressed almost together, Taekwoon realizes he can smell alcohol on Jaehwan. He wonders dimly if he smells the same.

They kind of fit together, Taekwoon thinks. Their height difference isn't too large — Jaehwan isn't short by any stretch of the imagination — but it's enough that the curves of their bodies seem to complement each other. He doesn't feel as overwhelmed as when he'd danced with Hakyeon. Jaehwan's hips don't move the same way, less fluid and more human, but he's still warm and close.

Jaehwan tugs at Taekwoon's shirt, pulling him even closer. Taekwoon's arms come up to rest on Jaehwan's shoulders, trying to keep his balance, and Jaehwan grins in response.

"Getting comfy, Taekwoonie?" he asks.

"I don't wanna fall over," Taekwoon says honestly. He thinks there's almost definitely some subtext he's missing in what Jaehwan said, but right now his brain isn't really doing subtext.

"Don't worry, darling," Jaehwan drawls, wrapping his arms around Taekwoon's waist. "I won't let you fall."

Taekwoon stands there, letting himself be held as they move to the beat. This is unexpected, he thinks. Jaehwan's words don't seem as mocking or as harsh as usual, and he can't tell if it's because he's drunk or because Jaehwan is drunk or if, maybe, things are just slowly changing. Maybe, he thinks, Hakyeon was right.

He hears a voice in his ear and he realizes Jaehwan is singing along to the music. He's messing up the words, but his voice is soft and pretty in Taekwoon's ear and it makes his stomach swoop slightly. Of course, he's heard Jaehwan sing before. But he's never really _felt_ it like this, with their bodies pressed so close that the vibrations of Jaehwan's voice in his chest mix with the thump of the bass.

He turns his face to look at Jaehwan. The yard is mostly lit by fairy lights, and it makes Jaehwan look warmer, younger. One of Taekwoon's hands lifts to Jaehwan's cheek and he strokes it lightly.

Jaehwan tilts his face toward Taekwoon. "Like what you see?"

Taekwoon makes a noncommittal noise and shoves his face into Jaehwan's neck. He smells like fresh sweat and deodorant. He smells like a _boy,_ and Taekwoon nuzzles against him without even thinking.

He feels Jaehwan chuckle. "You do, don't you? What else do you like, hm?"

Taekwoon whines into Jaehwan's neck. Words are _hard,_ and it feels like the drinks are hitting him more and more the longer he stays on his feet.

"Amazing," Jaehwan says directly into Taekwoon's ear. "You get a little drunk and look at you. What would Hakyeon say?"

Taekwoon groans. "I don't wanna think about Hakyeon right now."

"Oh, really?" Jaehwan laughs, shifting their bodies even closer. "Do you think he'd mind this?"

Taekwoon doesn't realize what Jaehwan's trying to do until he feels a sharp shock of pleasure run through his gut. He's confused for a second before he realizes Jaehwan's thigh is pressed up between his and _oh,_ he must be able to feel how Taekwoon is still half-hard —

"Is this for me?" Jaehwan asks with a wink.

"No," Taekwoon gasps, his body suddenly kicking into a panic. He's never — Jaehwan can't be the first — "No, I'm — "

“Wait, what?” Jaehwan seems confused, but he doesn’t move and Taekwoon knows they’re both too drunk and stupid for it to mean anything, but his hands drop to Jaehwan’s chest and push him away on instinct.

“I can’t — ” Taekwoon tries to find the words, but he’s dizzy and every time he tries to speak it feels like his thoughts are slipping through his fingers. It had been nice before, to forget and let go, but right now, it makes him feel adrift and terrified. “Oh, my god.”

“Are you — ”

“I’m gonna — I’m just gonna go,” Taekwoon slurs, backing away from Jaehwan and almost falling on his ass.

“Taekwoon, I didn’t —- ”

“No,” Taekwoon says, stumbling away. “No, no, no — gotta find Hakyeon — home — ” He turns his back on Jaehwan. God, he can’t even look at him right now, it had gotten far too close, too _much —_

_I think he headed inside,_ Jaehwan had said about Hakyeon, so Taekwoon staggers up the steps and into the house. It’s dark and confusing inside, most of the lights off, and Taekwoon’s already-panicked mind has difficulty making sense of how the rooms are spinning. He drifts through the house, distantly registering how he’s running into walls and hitting his thighs on the corners of tables. “Hakyeon?” he calls, hating how small his voice sounds. “Hakyeon?”

He somehow makes his way to the second floor of the house and starts opening doors. He accidentally sees one blowjob, two make-out sessions, and what looks like a bad fight judging from the running mascara.

Finally, he bursts through the door of a room that only has two guys sitting in it who aren’t attached at the mouth. Taekwoon blinks blearily at them.

“Taekwoon?” One of the boys asks, and _oh,_ right, that was why he was here.

“Hakyeon,” he says pitifully. “Hakyeon, I wanna go home.”

“Oh, shit, yeah — are you okay?” Gentle hands take hold of Taekwoon’s shoulders. “Jesus, what happened to you?”

Taekwoon shakes his head and it feels like the shame that’s been held at bay all night suddenly comes crashing over him at that moment. “Jaehwan — ” he stops himself. He can’t describe it, not right now when he can’t even process what’s happened.

“What happened? Did he hurt you? Do you need anything?” Hakyeon’s demands make Taekwoon reel back, shaking his head desperately.

“I just wanna go home,” he says plaintively.

“But — ” Hakyeon starts, but he’s cut off by the other boy in the room.

“Hakyeon, just get him home for right now. We can deal with whatever went down tomorrow.”

Taekwoon squints at the blurry figure. “Thank you, kind stranger.”

Hakyeon snorts. “Okay, yeah, you’re fucked up. Let’s get you home and get you some water.”

Taekwoon nods and lets Hakyeon take his hand and guide him down the stairs, through the yard, and out the gate. He doesn’t really notice his surroundings anymore. All he focuses on is Hakyeon’s hand in his and the shrinking distance between him and his bed.


	6. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What're you doing in here?" he asks. "Shouldn't you be out there wooing all the ladies?"
> 
> Sanghyuk snorts. "Nah, I'm lying low right now."
> 
> Hakyeon raises an eyebrow. "Han Sanghyuk, _not_ out chasing skirt? What has the world come to?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick little update! this is an interlude that's basically the last portion of chapter 5 from hakyeon's pov. more dumb alcohol boys, but nothing really physical.

Hakyeon watches Taekwoon dance with a fond smile on his face. It's good to see Taekwoon letting loose — hell, it's good to just spend time with Taekwoon again. Hakyeon's been so overwhelmed with extracurriculars and trying to help Jaehwan settle in that he misses Taekwoon, even if they see each other every day. He feels a pang of guilt in his chest; he knows Taekwoon has a hard time asking for affection and attention outright, and it's hard for him to communicate at all if Hakyeon just isn't around.

But this makes up for it, he thinks. At least a little bit, anyway. Taekwoon is happily inebriated, his posture relaxed and a vaguely dopey smile on his face as he sways (slightly awkwardly) to the music. Hakyeon thinks he could watch his friend like this all night.

If his bladder didn't feel like it was going to burst, that is.

He debates just dealing with it and waiting, but he thinks it might put a bit of a damper on Taekwoon's night if Hakyeon has to leave early because he pissed himself, and Taekwoon's first night out has to be as good as Hakyeon can make it. So it's really for Taekwoon's benefit, he figures, that he heads for the house to find the bathroom.

For all that the house belongs to a professional fraternity, it's still a frat house. The kitchen floor is sticky with spilled drinks, and Hakyeon wrinkles his nose at the smell of people who apparently don't know what deodorant is. He weaves his way through the people in here toward what looks like the main hallway, figuring there has to be a bathroom somewhere near. Surely no one would build a frat house without at least one vomit receptacle on each floor, right?

The first door he opens happens to be to a boiler room. It takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light, but then he realizes that there are at least two couples making out against the walls and he blinks in confusion. Is this how orgies start?

He nearly jumps out of his skin when a tired-sounding voice from behind him says, "Hey, you guys, come _on,_ you can't be back here."

He whirls around to see a very put-upon boy in a Henley and board shorts in an odd salmon color that personally offends Hakyeon's sensibilities. Clearly a member of the frat, then.

"Hi there," Hakyeon says sweetly. "Would you mind telling me where the bathroom is?" He smiles winningly at the bro, who blinks back at him like he's been hit over the head with a bat. Hakyeon resists the urge to preen; he loves making straight boys question their entire existence.

"Um, down the hall on the right," the guy says distractedly. He can't seem to look away from Hakyeon, even when the couples from the boiler room slink right past him. "Do you, uh, come here often?"

Hakyeon laughs. "If I came here often, don't you think I'd know where the bathroom is?"

"Oh, right." The guy sheepishly rubs at the back of his neck. "Dumb question, sorry."

"No worries," Hakyeon says breezily. The attention is nice, but the conversation isn't going anywhere interesting and he _really_ needs to pee. "On the right, you said?"

"Yeah," the guy replies. "Uh, what's your — "

"Thanks!" Hakyeon says brightly and flits off before the frat boy can finish his question. He wasn’t nearly pretty enough for a longer conversation anyway.

Finding the bathroom is fairly easy, but when he opens the door, some poor girl is hunched over the toilet while her friend awkwardly pats her shoulder. The friend shoots Hakyeon an apologetic glance, and he gets the message and quickly closes the door. He loves himself more than to watch random strangers puke.

That leaves the upstairs, Hakyeon thinks grimly. He braces himself for how much skin he's about to unintentionally expose himself to and traipses his way upstairs.

He must have saved a country in a past life or taken care of unfortunate orphans, because the first door he tries is the bathroom. He passes the time while pissing ruminating on all the good deeds he’s done in his life to deserve this.

His plan once he’s washed his hands and walked out of the bathroom are to return to the yard and find Taekwoon before he can get himself into messes that he can’t get out of, but he stops in his tracks when he sees a familiar face in one of the rooms he walks by. He tries to resist the urge to stick his nose into other people's business, but that's difficult for him even when he's sober. So he walks into the room, kicks the door shut, and flops down on the bed next to Sanghyuk.

"What're you doing in here?" he asks. "Shouldn't you be out there wooing all the ladies?"

Sanghyuk snorts. "Nah, I'm lying low right now."

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow. "Han Sanghyuk, _not_ out chasing skirt? What has the world come to?"

“ _Stop,_ ” Sanghyuk protests. “I’m having some me time.”

“The last time you told me you were having ‘me time,’ you were actually having time with one of those Delta Gamma girls,” Hakyeon says. “And I know this because your neighbor complained about it to me the next day at club.”

“Well, as you can see” — Sanghyuk gestures to the room that’s empty save for the two of them — “there are no Delta Gamma girls here. Or girls from any of the sororities.”

“Should I check under the bed?” Hakyeon teases. “Or in the closet?”

Sanghyuk whines and rolls over onto his side to smack Hakyeon’s arm. “ _Hakyeon._ ”

“All right,” Hakyeon acquiesces. “ I’ll take your word for it. Even if I don’t really have any reason to.”

Sanghyuk pouts and rolls over to smack Hakyeon’s arm, kicking at his shins. Hakyeon is glad they’re both drunk, because Sanghyuk’s aim is off and it’s definitely saving Hakyeon from bruising. “I’m _healing,_ ” Sanghyuk says. “No hookups for a while.”

Hakyeon wrinkles his nose. “Do I even want to know what you’ve caught?”

“What?” Realization hits Sanghyuk and his eyes widen. “Oh my god, _no,_ I don’t have an STD. Jesus.”

“Well, what was I supposed to think?” Hakyeon demands. “You said you’re _healing._ ”

“Emotionally!” Sanghyuk says. “ _Spiritually._ ”

Hakyeon squints at him. “Did you find Jesus or something?”

“ _No,_ ” Sanghyuk repeats emphatically, smacking Hakyeon again for good measure. “I had a really bad hookup. I mean, you know how some girls can be, you know?”

Even through the haze of alcohol, alarm bells go off in Hakyeon’s mind and he sits up to look down at Sanghyuk as steadily as he can manage. “Was it all consensual and stuff?” he asks worriedly. “You know just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean people can’t take advantage of you, you are valid and good and — ”

“I know, I know,” Sanghyuk says hastily. “The sex was cool, you know? Actually, the sex was amazing.” His eyes glaze over slightly. “She had handcuffs. Like, actual _metal_ handcuffs. None of the fluffy shit.”

“Handcuffs are awesome,” Hakyeon agrees, flopping back onto the bed. He sees Sanghyuk freeze out of the corner of his eye and he turns to face him. “What?”

“You ever just have a moment,” Sanghyuk says distantly, “where you realize your parents had to have sex to make you? That’s how I feel when I hear you talk about handcuffs.”

“You brought up the handcuffs first!” Hakyeon protests, blushing slightly. He usually doesn’t mind if people know — having a certain reputation can make it easier to get laid, after all — but the way Sanghyuk had said that, the way he'd compared Hakyeon to his parents, feels...off to Hakyeon. He doesn't want to think too hard about why. "Anyway, if the sex was so great, then what was wrong?"

"It was what came after the sex," Sanghyuk says with a sigh. "I mean, we said that it was just a one-time thing, right? I made sure she knew that ahead of time because, you know, I'm just trying to chill and have a good time right now, yeah?"

"You're such a frat boy," Hakyeon mutters. "But yeah, I get you. And let me guess — she's not treating it like a one-time thing."

Sanghyuk groans and covers his face with his hands. "She isn't at _all,_ " he moans. "She got my number from one of my frat brothers? And sometimes when I get out of class she'll just be there, waiting. It's fucking creepy."

Hakyeon gives him a concerned look. "You should tell her to fuck off.""

"I did," Sanghyuk whines. "I mean, kind of. I don't know, some of my frat brothers have told me how crazy girls can get — "

"Okay," Hakyeon interrupts. "First of all, it's not just a girl thing. My gay ass can tell you that right now. Secondly, trust me, you're not doing anyone any favors by not just being upfront with her."

"But what if she gets mad at me?" Sanghyuk frets. His eyes are wide and his hair is slightly smushed from lying on the bed, making him look like the freshman he is.

Hakyeon sighs. "Listen, that's a risk you take when you hook up with people."

"But we agreed — "

"I'm not saying it's your fault," Hakyeon says, reaching out to pat Sanghyuk's cheek a little more heavily than he means to. "You can't control her emotions, you know? But you can control what you do now."

"Like avoid her forever," Sanghyuk mumbles.

Hakyeon gives him a solid whack on the arm, ignoring how Sanghyuk's solid muscle makes his hand sting. "Do you hear yourself?" he asks. "This is why I still call you a baby child. Welcome to adulthood, it's time to deal with your shit."

Sanghyuk makes a disgruntled noise. "Jaehwan says adulthood is getting to fuck up my own life."

Hakyeon takes a deep breath and makes a mental note to deal with that later. "Jaehwan is a human dumpster fire," he says honestly. It makes Sanghyuk giggle, his eyes crinkling up adorably. "Which one of us are you going to take advice from?"

Sanghyuk regards him thoughtfully for a moment before he says, "You."

"Of course," Hakyeon says, pleased. "And what I'm telling you to do is just talk to her. Tell her how you actually feel. Then you can both work on getting over it."

Sanghyuk sighs deeply. "This is too many feelings for sex," he grumbles. "Is it like this for you too?"

Hakyeon raises his eyebrow. "I mean, I'm better at dealing with emotions and people, so not quite — "

"No, no, no," Sanghyuk says, emphasizing each word with his hand slapping down on Hakyeon's chest. "I mean because you're gay."

Hakyeon snorts. "Why wouldn't it be the same?"

"I don't know," Sanghyuk says, sounding so genuinely perplexed that Hakyeon can't even find it in himself to be annoyed at him. "I don't know anything about this stuff! I didn't even know Taekwoon was gay until, like, _yesterday._ Hey, what're you laughing at?"

Hakyeon lifts his face from the comforter that he'd been using to muffle his giggles. "You're sweet," he coos fondly, petting Sanghyuk's hair clumsily. "Sweet little straight boy surrounded by all the gays."

"At least Wonsik and Hongbin still understand me," Sanghyuk says.

Hakyeon coughs and says, "Yeah." He's working very, very hard to keep a straight face. He suspects it's a good thing Sanghyuk is drunk and currently smushing his forehead into a pillow, or else Hakyeon would be getting a nasty phone call from Hongbin for accidentally outing them.

Sanghyuk sighs. "How do you even know?"

"About being gay?" Hakyeon asks. "You mean like, with other people or myself?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's different." Hakyeon traces curling patterns on the comforter with the tip of his index finger. "I mean, it's one thing to be like, 'Wow, I'm kinda into that guy,' and another thing to be like, 'Oh, gayness is a thing that actually exists in the world.' And _then_ you gotta fit the pieces together, which is _way_ harder than you'd think."

Sanghyuk sits up on his elbow to look at Hakyeon curiously. "Why's it hard? I mean, if you like guys, don't you just...know that means you're gay?"

Hakyeon shrugs. "I don't know, it's probably different for different people. But for me? It was...weird. Because you always hear about gay people as like, distant. Not people you actually know, right?"

"I...guess?" Sanghyuk says slowly.

"I mean, look at how broken your gaydar is," Hakyeon says, continuing speaking even with Sanghyuk squawks with indignation. "Gayness can be _right there_ and you don't know it until sometimes the universe just grabs you and goes, 'Hey! That's really fucking gay!'"

"Even about yourself?" Sanghyuk asks.

"Especially about yourself, really." Hakyeon sighs deeply.

"It sounds complicated," Sanghyuk says quietly.

"It is," Hakyeon replies. Silence falls between them for a few moments, the only sound in the room the hum of the air conditioning and the gentle rise and fall of breathing.

"Hakyeon," Sanghyuk says, his voice small, "how can you ever be sure that — "

The door is thrown open, hitting the wall with a _bang_ that has Hakyeon shooting up into a sitting position.

He’s met with the sight of Taekwoon leaning against the doorframe, color high on his cheeks and his eyes glassy.

“Taekwoon?” he asks worriedly.

“Hakyeon,” Taekwoon says and _oh,_ that doesn’t sound like a good tone of voice. “Hakyeon I wanna go home.”

“Oh, shit, yeah.” Guilt sweeps through Hakyeon’s belly. He’s supposed to take care of people, that’s what he _does,_ and now his best friend is standing in front of him clearly upset while Hakyeon had been shooting the shit with some kid. “Are you okay?” He carefully takes Taekwoon’s shoulders in his hands. “Jesus, what happened to you?”

When Taekwoon says _Jaehwan,_ Hakyeon’s blood runs cold.

“What happened?” Hakyeon knows he’s probably overreacting, but what if he isn’t? What if something really awful happened to Taekwoon and Hakyeon _hadn’t been there —_ ”Did he hurt you? Do you need anything?”

“I just wanna go home,”Taekwoon slurs.

“But — ”

“Hakyeon.” A hand settles on his shoulder and he turns to look up into Sanghyuk’s concerned face. “Just get him home for right now. We can deal with whatever went down tomorrow.”

Hakyeon wants to protest, but he’s interrupted by Taekwoon stumbling forward another step and saying to Sanghyuk, “Thank you, kind stranger.”

 _Jesus._ “Okay, yeah,” Hakyeon says briskly. “You’re fucked up. Let’s get you home and get you some water.” Taekwoon mumbles incoherently, but he lets Hakyeon take his hand. Before the leave the room, Hakyeon looks back at Sanghyuk, who’s watching them worriedly. He jerks his chin toward the door, telling Hakyeon to get Taekwoon out of there, and Hakyeon feels a rush of gratitude for being absolved of responsibility of anyone other than Taekwoon right now.

He gets them home carefully, supporting Taekwoon on his shoulders and being incredibly grateful that he’s not built like Wonsik or Sanghyuk. It’s practically instinctual to run through the routine of taking care of a sleepy drunk, to get Taekwoon out of his jeans and tuck him into bed and make sure he’s not lying on his back.

Hakyeon tries to coax Taekwoon into eating a piece of bread, but Taekwoon smacks it out of his hand with a whiny noise and Hakyeon isn’t about to waste more food like that.

He sighs down at Taekwoon. “You sure had a night, didn’t you?”

Taekwoon just burrows deeper into his blankets with a contented noise. Hakyeon can’t help but laugh at him. Once he’s removed Taekwoon from whatever situation upset him, it’s almost comical to see how Taekwoon swings between stoic and dramatic. He pets Taekwoon’s hair one last time before standing and turning out the light.

As he walks to his room, his mind turns to the conversation he’d had with Sanghyuk. He’d been about to ask Hakyeon a question, he realizes. He tries to remember, but he’d been so shaken by Taekwoon showing up that the memory of their conversation before evades him. He huffs in irritation, resolving to ask Sanghyuk about it tomorrow. After he deals with Jaehwan, that is.

God, Jaehwan.

Hakyeon sits on the edge of his bed and rubs his temples. He can already feel a headache starting behind his eyes that has nothing to do with the alcohol. Part of him wants to call Jaehwan right now and ask him what the hell happened, but he knows that will only make Jaehwan defensive, and a defensive Jaehwan is a supremely unhelpful one. No, he thinks, he needs to wait until Taekwoon wakes up to get some facts before he approaches Jaehwan.

For right now, Hakyeon decides, all he can do is wait. Tomorrow, he’ll figure everything out.

Tomorrow, he’ll fix everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to nanowrimo for whipping my ass into shape. also americanos with an extra espresso shots


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehwan opens his eyes and sees an ugly popcorn ceiling. Dorm room, then. He probably crashed in some poor underclassman's room after a party. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened, although he does usually prefer to stay with friends who actually have their own apartments instead of university housing. If he hadn't even been able to make it off campus again, he must've been especially wasted —
> 
> Oh. Fuck. He'd definitely been three sheets to the wind if his memory is telling him the truth, and he gets the sinking feeling that it is.

Twenty-one is a good age to be, if you ask Jaehwan. Old enough that he can buy alcohol without having to ask someone older than him, but young enough that hangovers don't happen to him.

He's reminded of that fact on mornings like these.

When he wakes up, it takes him a moment to place where exactly he is. The first thing he thinks is that he knows his mattress is shitty, but he didn't think it was _this_ shitty. After a few seconds, he realizes he's lying on a concrete floor instead of a bed, which explains that pretty neatly.

He opens his eyes and sees an ugly popcorn ceiling. Dorm room, then. He probably crashed in some poor underclassman's room after a party. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened, although he does usually prefer to stay with friends who actually have their own apartments instead of university housing. If he hadn't even been able to make it off campus again, he must've been especially wasted —

Oh. Fuck. He'd definitely been three sheets to the wind if his memory is telling him the truth, and he gets the sinking feeling that it is.

He sits up with a groan, rubbing at his eyes and running a hand through his hair, wincing at how the gel has become uncomfortably crusted overnight. He's busy fussing with his hair when someone starts speaking to him.

"Oh, good, you're up."

Jaehwan wiggles around to see where the voice is coming from, his legs tangled in a — jesus, a _Naruto_ blanket? He turns to see Sanghyuk sitting up in his bed. Well, that answers where he is at least.

"Thanks for putting me up for the night," Jaehwan says before yawning widely. "Cute blanket by the way."

"It's my little brother's," Sanghyuk replies.

"You don't have a little brother."

"That you know of."

Jaehwan squints up at Sanghyuk, trying to determine if he's telling the truth. "If you had any younger siblings, you wouldn't be the little brat you are."

"Hey, I'm not a _brat,_ " Sanghyuk protests before pausing and thinking. "Or at least I'm not a bad brat. I'm a brat you all love."

Jaehwan groans. "Why do they all have to enable you?"

"You do too," Sanghyuk points out. "And if Hakyeon's gonna baby me no matter what I do, I may as well get some mileage out of it. Speaking of Hakyeon — "

"Oh, god." Jaehwan flops back down onto the floor as dramatically as he dares considering that it's hard and unforgiving. He loves making a point, but he doesn't love accidentally concussing himself. "That's one of my least favorite beginnings to a sentence ever."

Sanghyuk smiles at him. "Well, then, let's try again. About Taekwoon — "

"Fuck, that's _worse,_ " Jaehwan moans, rolling around on his back.

"What do you mean?" Sanghyuk asks, swinging his legs over the edge of the mattress and leaning forward to look at Jaehwan. Fuck, his eyes are intense. The kid's been hanging out with Hakyeon too much, if you ask Jaehwan. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened," Jaehwan says defensively. "Other than Taekwoon deciding he hated my guts as soon as he fuckin' saw me."

Sanghyuk snorts. "I don't mean in general, I mean last night specifically."

"What normally happens at parties?" Jaehwan hedges. "Drinking, dancing, all the same shit. You're a frat boy, Sanghyukkie, shouldn't you know this already?"

"Yeah, but it's not normal for Taekwoon to come in — "

"Okay," Jaehwan interrupts. "I don't know how you were planning on finishing that sentence, but it's not normal for Taekwoon to come to parties _at all._ Period. There's your problem right there."

"I mean, I've been around Taekwoon when he's had some wine before," Sanghyuk says. "He's not really an emotional drunk."

"Could've fooled me," Jaehwan mutters.

"Yeah, so what did you _do?_ " Sanghyuk presses.

"Who says I did anything?" Jaehwan places his hand over his heart. "I was just being myself — "

"What exactly does that entail, though?"

"I — I don't fuckin' know, Sanghyuk," Jaehwan snaps. "Being a goddamn fuck-up, I guess. Or at least that's what everyone seems to think."

Sanghyuk's face softens and he looks slightly guilty. "I don't think you're a fuck-up. Or like, not an irredeemable one, you know?"

"Wow," Jaehwan says drily. "Thanks for the ringing endorsement."

"Jaehwan, just _tell me,_ " Sanghyuk says exasperatedly. "If you wanna be better, you have to actually talk to people instead of just — I don't know, drinking until you do stupid shit and then avoiding everyone afterward."

"Maybe," Jaehwan says, trying very hard to keep his tone light, "you should keep your over-sized nose out of other people's business. Especially if they're older than you."

Hurt flashes through Sanghyuk's eyes and Jaehwan feels a pang of guilt. He _likes_ Sanghyuk, he thinks he's a good kid and appreciates that he gives enough of a shit about Jaehwan to even talk to him, even if Jaehwan doesn't deserve it. He sighs and runs a hand down his face. "Shit, Sanghyuk, I didn't mean — "

"I just wanted to help," Sanghyuk mumbles, sounding wounded.

"I know, it's just — sorry, I'm hungover," he lies, but he figures it's the good kind. Just a little white lie so Sanghyuk doesn't feel bad anymore. "You know, pissed out all the water in my body last night and now I feel like my brain is trying to leak out of my ears."

When he doesn't get a smile from Sanghyuk for that, he tries again. "Hey, you wanna know how to be a hundred percent sure I didn't mean it?" Sanghyuk meets his eyes and Jaehwan pokes the tip of his own nose. "Look how fuckin' big this thing is. Me making fun of anyone's nose is like Hakyeon criticizing someone for their flamboyance."

That draws a laugh out of Sanghyuk, not as bright as it usually is, but definitely better than the hurt expression on his face from moments before. "Your nose isn't bad," he says.

"Oh, I know." Jaehwan tilts his chin to show off his profile. "But it's definitely big."

"That's for sure," Sanghyuk agrees. "But back to the point — "

Jaehwan crosses his eyes to look at the tip of his nose. "This point?"

"Shut up," Sanghyuk says good-naturedly. "The point I meant was Taekwoon. What happened there? And no more deflecting."

Jaehwan shifts uncomfortably, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping the (offensively orange) blanket around himself. "I — I'm not a hundred percent sure," he admits.

"Do you remember it?"

Jaehwan nods. "Yeah, I didn't black out or anything. It's just that...I don't know if I can trust my memory, because what I thought happened doesn't sound like what you think happened."

"Well, tell me your version," Sanghyuk says. "Then we can deal with Taekwoon and Hakyeon."

"Oh, jesus, _Hakyeon._ " Jaehwan buries his face in his knees. "I'm gonna get my ass kicked for messing with his fuckin' princess — "

"What do you mean, 'messing with?'" Sanghyuk demands. "You didn't — "

"It was just dancing," Jaehwan says exasperatedly. "I don't know, he got really upset and ran away, it was like one second everything was normal and then he was freaking the fuck out — "

"Yeah, but what happened to cause that?"

"Hell if I know," Jaehwan grumbles. "We were dancing, he was happy and kinda turned on, everything was fine until I said something and — "

"Turned on?" Sanghyuk interrupts, his brow furrowing. "What do you mean?"

Jaehwan blinks at him slowly before saying very clearly, "When people who have _penises_ get _excited,_ then blood flows to the — "

"Oh, my god," Sanghyuk cuts him off. "I know how boners work, I just — what did you say about him being turned on?"

"I mean, we were dancing, right? So I just kinda — pointed it out." Jaehwan coughs uncomfortably. "With my thigh."

" _Jaehwan._ " Sanghyuk sounds far too much like Hakyeon for Jaehwan's comfort. "Of course he freaked out, he's Taekwoon — "

"And I'm Jaehwan," he says, tone slightly clipped. "I — I didn't mean to fuck him up, you know?"

Sanghyuk frowns doubtfully and it cuts Jaehwan deeper than he wants to admit. "I mean, you're pretty antagonistic toward him — "

"Yeah, but not like, hey-I'm-gonna-grab-your-dick-without-asking antagonistic," Jaehwan says exasperatedly. "I'm — what the hell kind of person do you think I am?"

"Jaehwan," Sanghyuk says carefully. Carefully, because that's how people always end up being around Jaehwan sooner or later. Because even when he's not trying to push everyone's limits, he seems to somehow find the line and then do a fucking long jump past it.

" _Jaehwan,_ " he parrots back at Sanghyuk, trying to hide how hurt he is by the assumption that he'd do something — like _that_ on purpose. "I'm sorry for assuming Taekwoon was gonna act like a normal human instead of like himself. Sorry for thinking that some guy literally grinding on me and fuckin' nuzzling into my neck maybe _wanted_ something from me."

He sees Sanghyuk open his mouth to say something, but he steamrolls on, the shame and anger and disappointment in himself roiling inside of him. "I mean, he obviously hates my personality, but I thought, 'Hey, maybe at least my dick makes up for the rest of my existence, right?' I thought — " Jaehwan laughs at his own stupidity. “Sorry for making the mistake of thinking that maybe, I don't know, there was some redeeming part of me that someone could like instead of just...this. There. Happy?"

Sanghyuk eyes are wide and his lips are parted, the picture of shock. "Uh," he says intelligently. "I — Jaehwan, I didn't realize — "

"You didn't realize that this is what you get when you take a leaf out of Hakyeon's book?" Jaehwan says nastily. He knows he's being mean, almost feels like he's sitting outside and watching someone else tear Sanghyuk apart, but it feels like his anger has its own mind at this point, like he can do nothing but sit back and let it happen.

"Yeah, we all wanna be Hakyeon, don't we?” he continues. “We wanna have everyone love us and be that friend that people turn to when shit goes south. We wanna be able to look at people and figure out their shit and just — talk to them and somehow _fix_ it." Jaehwan laughs hollowly. "The thing is, Hakyeon deals with all the ugliest shit people can throw at him. And we don't really see that part because he likes making everything look flawless and smooth, but trust me, if you wanna be like him? You have to understand you're signing up for this shit."

Jaehwan gestures at himself. "You didn't really get a choice in getting involved with my bullshit because Hakyeon just told you everything. And that's not on me, that's on him for not giving you fair warning. He knew I was a fuck-up before he knew _why_ I was a fuck-up. And you — you get my whole life story for free because Hakyeon is a goddamn gossip monger, you didn't have to _work_ for it the same way — " He cuts himself off with an angry sigh, rubbing at his forehead. "Just — I know you didn't know what you were getting into. But don't — don't try to be Hakyeon with me, because it's different. It's just — it's different."

Sanghyuk sits silently, staring at Jaehwan like he's waiting to see if the torrent of words has really stopped. After a minute or two, he says tentatively, "I'm...sorry. I just wanted to help — "

"Don't," Jaehwan says shortly. "I appreciate the thought, but — can't we just be the way we are?" He looks beseechingly up at Sanghyuk, hating how small his voice sounds. "Just trust me when I say I'm trying."

Sanghyuk looks at him unsurely. "Okay," he says slowly. "You know Hakyeon's gonna want to talk to you, though, right?"

Jaehwan groans and lets his forehead fall to his knees. "Yeah. Fuck."

Sanghyuk slips off the bed to sit next to Jaehwan on the floor. He hesitantly reaches for Jaehwan's shoulder. "Do you want me to do anything?"

Jaehwan shakes his head, shrugging Sanghyuk's hand off. "No, right now I just — I'm gonna go home and be alone for a while, I guess."

"Are you — "

"Yes, I'm sure." Jaehwan stands, wincing as he hears his knees crack. "I gotta get ready for rehearsal anyway." He flashes Sanghyuk a winning smile, or at least he tries to — he feels like his mask is stretched thinner than usual, and the smile seems brittle. "I'll see you there, yeah?"

"Yeah," Sanghyuk says quietly. "See you there."

With a quick salute, Jaehwan turns on his heel and heads for the door. He tries to ignore how he can feel Sanghyuk's worried gaze boring into the back of his head the entire way.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

By the time Jaehwan walks to rehearsal, he’s steeled himself for facing Hakyeon. He’s spent the past hour or so standing in front of his mirror and telling his reflection in varying tones and deliveries, “I know I did something I should regret, and I do, so please don’t yell at me in front of everyone right now.” He thinks he’s gotten down a good balance between firm and remorseful. Politicians _wish_ they could apologize like Lee Jaehwan.

But when he gets to rehearsal, Hakyeon seems to be preoccupied with actually doing his job. Jaehwan normally wouldn’t mind going up and distracting him, but Taekwoon is sticking to Hakyeon like a shadow and Jaehwan doesn’t know if he’s prepared to deal with that.

Everything is pretty normal, as far as Jaehwan can tell. When rehearsal officially gets underway, Hakyeon tells them all what scene they’re going to be working on and there’s a flurry of activity as everyone goes to their place.

Everyone except Taekwoon.

Anxiety seeps through Jaehwan’s stomach as he watches Taekwoon lean over to whisper in Hakyeon’s ear. It only gets worse when Hakyeon immediately looks at Jaehwan and frowns, then claps his hands to get everyone’s attention.

“All right, everybody, we’re actually going to be running a different scene,” he announces. “I think our blocking for the rave could definitely be better, and I’m thinking about changing up the choreography to something a little more modern — ”

Hakyeon’s voice fades into the background as Jaehwan registers what’s going on. He has to resist the urge to laugh out loud. Of course, things aren’t normal. How stupid was he to believe that?

Everyone around him is bustling, preparing for the scene and placing props, but Jaehwan stands in place, staring at Taekwoon, who decidedly avoids his eyes. Right now, Jaehwan can’t do anything, but it’s pretty obvious something needs to be done.

Taekwoon asked Hakyeon to switch scenes because they had been scheduled to do their first kiss today. The fact that Taekwoon doesn’t even want to _play_ at being close to Jaehwan makes him feel dirty, uncomfortable in his own skin.

No one is paying him any mind, but his brain is racing, wondering if anyone could put two and two together. Fuck, what if Hakyeon _tells_ everyone, what if everything thinks — no, what if everyone _knows_ that Jaehwan is nothing but a fuck-up? Christ, no matter how many opportunities he gets, he’ll always end up tearing himself down, what’s the fucking _point —_

“Jaehwan?”

He turns to see Sanghyuk looking at him worriedly. “You’re supposed to be downstage for the start of the scene.”

Jaehwan nods briskly. “Oh — yeah. Got it.”

And with that, he takes a deep breath, finds his place, and reprises his role.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not super long, but y'all know how i feel about pov changes in the middle of the chapter - even if other authors can pull it off, i'm not gonna risk it lmao
> 
> thank you so much for your comments!! they've really inspired me to keep on chugging through this and i'm having so much fun writing ^^


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yes. All right. I think I might have like...assaulted you a little bit?" Jaehwan wilts as the words leave his mouth. "I'm kind of terrified that I did that, because that's what Sanghyuk thought this morning and it's probably what Hakyeon thinks. And I mean, maybe I did, maybe my shithead drunk brain doesn't remember it right but I didn't mean to do something like — "
> 
> "Stop," Taekwoon says, holding his hands up as if to physically stem the flow of words. "I — assault is a big word."
> 
> "It's only..." Jaehwan pauses and counts on his fingers. "...seven letters."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up, jae's gonna make vague references to his shitty parents while drunk (again) so watch out for that and take care of yourselves. they're also gonna talk about what went down at the party, so i figure if you've made it to this point you're gonna be okay with discussions of slightly sexual things happening while under the influence.
> 
> also an offhand mention of robitussin used as a recreational drug? no one in the fic does it, but it's referred to very quickly in the last scene, so watch out for that

Taekwoon doesn't like feeling like he's running away. He thinks of himself as a stubborn person, a competitor, and the fact that he's using his friendship with Hakyeon to avoid having to be too physically close to Jaehwan isn't something he's proud of.

Still, he muses as he kicks back on their sofa, It was probably the best decision he could make at the time.

He's halfway through watching a soccer match on his laptop when he hears a knock at the door. Frowning, he stands up. Hakyeon and Sanghyuk both have keys, and Wonsik usually texts before he shows up. Hongbin doesn't really do the outdoors unless he's absolutely forced to. The number of people it could be is vanishingly small, and it makes Taekwoon curious enough to look through the peep hole in the door to check.

He promptly considers going back to watching his game and pretending the person on the other side of the door doesn't exist.

Jaehwan knocks at the door again, pounding at it with his fists in a way that's vaguely threatening, but it's explained when his voice comes through the door, distinctly slurred. "Taekwoon, come on, I just wanna talk."

Taekwoon glares at the door. Why the hell isn't Hakyeon home to tell Jaehwan to leave? Why does Taekwoon have to deal with him _again?_

"Taekwoonie," Jaehwan whines, and Taekwoon is now more tempted to open the door just to kick Jaehwan in the shin. "Taekwoon, I wanna apologize. And I really can't do it through the door because then you might just be ignoring me or taking a shower and then I've wasted all those _words._ "

"Never seemed to bother you before," Taekwoon says lowly, but their door is so thin that Jaehwan can hear him through it.

"You know what?" Jaehwan says. "You're fuckin' right."

"What?" Taekwoon says sharply.

"I know I never fuckin' shut up, okay, I get it and I'm _sorry,_ jesus, just let me talk to you _please —_ "

Taekwoon waits until he hears more knocking at the door in addition to Jaehwan's whining to open the door. As expected, Jaehwan staggers into their apartment, off-balance and almost falling on his face. Just because it's expected doesn't mean Taekwoon doesn't laugh at him, though.

"That wasn't nice," Jaehwan pouts as he straightens himself out.

"So?" Taekwoon asks. "You're not nice."

"I would argue with you," Jaehwan replies. "I mean, you're definitely not wrong, but I like arguing with you anyway."

Taekwoon blinks at Jaehwan. "Is this supposed to be part of your apology?"

"Huh? Oh, shit, no." Jaehwan winces. "This is just me running my fat mouth again. Nothing out of the ordinary, really."

Taekwoon gives him an unimpressed look. "Please get on with the apology. I was watching a soccer game."

"Of course you — " Jaehwan starts, but he cuts himself off, pastes a smile on, and adopts a brighter tone to say, "Of _course_ you were!"

Taekwoon's lip curls in distaste as he looks at Jaehwan. "Apology," he repeats.

"Okay, so." Jaehwan pulls himself up to his full height and points a slightly unsteady finger at Taekwoon. "Okay, I think I really fucked up."

"Yes," Taekwoon confirms.

"Yes. All right. I think I might have like...assaulted you a little bit?" Jaehwan wilts as the words leave his mouth. "I'm kind of terrified that I did that, because that's what Sanghyuk thought this morning and it's probably what Hakyeon thinks. And I mean, maybe I did, maybe my shithead drunk brain doesn't remember it right but I didn't mean to do something like — "

"Stop," Taekwoon says, holding his hands up as if to physically stem the flow of words. "I — assault is a big word."

"It's only..." Jaehwan pauses and counts on his fingers. "...seven letters."

Taekwoon snorts. "I meant that it's a big deal."

Jaehwan looks up at him pitifully. "It is," he says in a small voice.

"So, if you'd assaulted me," Taekwoon says clearly, "I would've beaten your ass."

Jaehwan looks stunned. "I — what?"

"I don't know what it is about all of you," Taekwoon says exasperatedly, "but I'm not a fucking wilting flower. I'm taller than you. And bigger than you."

"But you were really drunk — " Jaehwan tries weakly.

"So were you," Taekwoon points out. "And drunk or not, I could kick your ass. In fact, I'm pretty ready to kick your ass on a daily basis."

Jaehwan chews on his lip, looking smaller than Taekwoon has ever seen him look. "Are you sure?"

"Jaehwan," Taekwoon says with a sigh. "I would've punched you right in the nose if you had actually done something like that."

"Excuse you," Jaehwan slurs, tilting his chin up proudly. "I paid good money for this nose." He thinks for a second and then clarifies, "My parents paid good money for this nose."

"I — " Taekwoon isn't sure how to respond. Part of him wants to laugh, but another part of him still doesn't know how to react to Jaehwan in general. "Okay."

Jaehwan deflates again, scuffing the toe of his shoe against the tile floor. "Are you sure I didn't do anything wrong?"

"Well, I wouldn't say you didn't do _anything_ wrong," Taekwoon says. "I mean, you were still kind of a drunken asshole. I mean, I guess maybe other people do that but I — " He feels heat build in his cheeks, but he pushes on. "I've never been in that situation before."

"I know, Sanghyuk said it was your first party — "

"No," Taekwoon interrupts. "I meant — I don't know, the party and the alcohol and the — the _stuff —_ "

Jaehwan winks roguishly at him. "Hakyeon never got a little handsy with you in public?" Before Taekwoon can even respond, Jaehwan is shaking his head and cursing at himself. "Fuck, sorry, no, I didn't mean that, that was — that was out of line, I'm sorry. Both about that and...everything else I did that night that made you feel weird, I guess."

"Thank you," Taekwoon says softly. He hesitates for a moment before saying, "The dancing was...nice. I think. But I think I might've been gone enough that dancing with any living breathing thing would've been fun."

"Excuse you," Jaehwan says, taking an unsteady step forward. "I am a _damn_ good dancer at parties. Because I can move my hips. Got it?"

Taekwoon tries not to laugh in his face. "Yeah, I got it."

Jaehwan gives a satisfied nod. "So. Is the apology accepted?"

"Yeah." Taekwoon realizes he actually means it. It's not that he wants to suddenly spend time with Jaehwan or be friends, but...he doesn't feel as freaked out by what happened now that he has some context. Now that he knows it wasn't just Jaehwan trying to fuck with his mind again. "Apology accepted."

Jaehwan's face blooms into a sweet smile, his eyes crinkling cutely, and Taekwoon feels his stomach swoop slightly.

Thankfully, it's ruined in the next moment when Jaehwan says brightly, "Awesome, I'll see you at the next rehearsal when we'll swap spit properly." He shoots finger guns at Taekwoon and then ambles off, whistling cheerfully.

Taekwoon laughs, partly in amusement and partly in disbelief, as he watches Jaehwan go.

Well, he thinks. Maybe things are going to change.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

In retrospect, Taekwoon isn't sure what he expected.

When their next rehearsal rolls around, Jaehwan is decidedly less drunk and more his normal self. He greets Taekwoon with a wink and a "hey, sweetheart" and Taekwoon feels...at ease. Comfortable. It's more familiar, really. He doesn't know if he could handle trying to navigate any sort of friendship with Jaehwan right now, even if that friendship was mostly just tolerating each other. Jaehwan had gotten too close for Taekwoon to want that, at least for now.

Especially considering what's facing them at this rehearsal.

Last time, Taekwoon had dodged having to kiss Jaehwan. One of the upsides of Hakyeon appointing himself resident mother hen is that whenever he feels guilty, it's pretty easy for Taekwoon to get what he wants. He would feel bad if he didn't think Hakyeon owed him at least a little bit for abandoning him at the frat party.

Now, though, he knows he can't really put it off any longer. He might be able to milk a little more sympathy out of Hakyeon, but it seems pointless to just prolong the inevitable.

So. Here he is. Mentally preparing himself to kiss Lee Jaehwan.

Hakyeon flits over to Taekwoon and gently places a hand on his shoulder. "You gonna be all right?"

Taekwoon shrugs. "Yeah. It's just like kissing anyone for a play, right?"

Taekwoon can feel Hakyeon side-eyeing him. "If you say so."

"I do say so."

"The second you feel uncomfortable, just let me know, okay?"

"Oh, and I guess we can just get rid of all the kissing scenes in the musical?" Taekwoon says drily. "That'll work out perfectly, I'm sure."

Hakyeon glares at him. "Just let me know you're gonna take care of yourself, all right?"

"I can always take care of myself," Taekwoon mutters. "Shouldn't you go wrangle some freshmen or something?"

Hakyeon looks at him for a moment and then sighs, but he pats Taekwoon's shoulder and leaves. Sometimes Hakyeon can be a bit much, but thankfully he can tell when Taekwoon really wants to be left alone.

However, as soon as Hakyeon is gone, Sanghyuk pops up by Taekwoon's side with a concerned look.

Taekwoon takes a deep breath for patience. It lasts until Sanghyuk opens his mouth to speak and Taekwoon immediately speaks over him. "I'm fine." Sanghyuk hesitates and then tries to speak again, but Taekwoon cuts him off. "And yes, I'm sure."

Sanghyuk shrugs. "Okay, cool."

Taekwoon lets himself relax. As much as he loves Hakyeon, sometimes it's nice to have someone who takes his word at face value and lets things lie.

He manages to keep himself calm. He would think it was denial, but he's thought to himself very firmly, _I am about to kiss Lee Jaehwan on the lips with my lips._ He feels a little nervous, but he thinks — well, Hakyeon had had the right idea by offering to be Taekwoon's real first kiss.

It’s easier to feel detached from it once they start running the scene. After all, Jaehwan doesn’t seem like Jaehwan once they’ve slipped into their roles. He seems too sweet to be the same guy that's been antagonizing Taekwoon all this time. Right now, he's Peter, young and naive and in love; it makes it easier for Taekwoon to take a step back and be Jason instead of himself. This is going to be fine, he tells himself. It's not really him kissing Jaehwan, it's Jason kissing Peter, even if Peter has the same crinkly eyesmile and plush lips as Jaehwan.

It's not a big deal.

He repeats it to himself over and over as they run the scene, a mantra in the back of his mind even as he recites his lines and moves around the stage. It's a scene they've already gone through the basics of plenty of times, and his body runs on autopilot, making it that much more difficult to keep his mind from wandering.

_It's not a big deal._

He repeats it until Jaehwan is in front of him, repeats it as Jaehwan winks and smiles and sings at him, repeats it until the moment that Jaehwan looks up at him and Taekwoon realizes with a jolt what he needs to do.

So he takes a deep breath and leans forward to press his lips to Jaehwan's.

His first thought is that Jaehwan's lips are incredibly different from Hakyeon's. They're soft and full, warm and — well-moisturized? Taekwoon's mind is racing at the feeling, and distantly he thinks the kiss has probably gone on long enough, he should probably pull away now —

And then Jaehwan shoves his tongue into Taekwoon's mouth. It isn't just a small flick either; he pushes his tongue into Taekwoon's mouth and wiggles it around like he wants to taste his fucking _tonsils._ Taekwoon's knee-jerk reaction is to shove Jaehwan away and yelp loudly, wiping his mouth and glaring.

Jaehwan doubles over laughing, and Taekwoon pulls a face. If he's honest, even though part of him is repulsed by what happened, another part of him wants to crack a smile, maybe even laugh with Jaehwan. He shakes his head, as if he can physically dislodge the impulse. It's just softness left over from playing his role, he tells himself. Nothing more.

Hakyeon sighs, hands on his hips. "What the hell, you two?"

"He just — _licked_ the inside of my _mouth,_ " Taekwoon says, disgusted. "God, I'm never gonna feel clean again — "

"Calm down, princess," Jaehwan teases. "I promise I won't do it again."

Taekwoon narrows his eyes at him. "And why should I believe you? Since you don't really have a track record of, you know, not being a dick."

The smile freezes on Jaehwan's face. "I — I really won't do it again," he says more quietly. "Promise."

"Really?" Taekwoon asks.

"Scout's honor," Jaehwan replies.

Hakyeon coughs. "Okay. Well. Can we run it again with less freaking out this time? And seriously, Jaehwan, keep your tongue to yourself."

Jaehwan raises his hands defensively. "Just a one-time joke, I promise." He looks to Taekwoon. "You believe me, right?"

Taekwoon doesn't know why, but he nods and quietly says, "Yeah."

"All right." Hakyeon claps his hands. "Everyone, top of the scene again."

In the bustle of everyone finding their places again, Taekwoon elbows Jaehwan. It isn't too hard, but he hopes it hurts at least a little. "That was the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life," he mutters.

"The worst thing that ever happened to me is when I realized my parents emotionally abused me for twenty years," Jaehwan replies brightly.

Taekwoon freezes. How the hell is he even supposed to respond to that? Who just drops that into casual conversation? What does he _do?_

Jaehwan laughs awkwardly. "Ha. Yeah." He rocks back onto his heels for a second and clicks his tongue nervously. "Well. Tough crowd, huh?"

Taekwoon continues staring at Jaehwan.

"It was a joke." Jaehwan does exaggerated jazz hands. "Ta-da. People are supposed to laugh at jokes. That's your cue."

"It wasn't funny, though," Taekwoon says without even thinking.

Jaehwan sighs. "Someday, Jung Taekwoon," he says, "we're gonna find you a sense of humor."

Taekwoon opens his mouth to respond, but he's stopped by Hakyeon calling for the beginning of the scene. As he slips back into character again, he tells himself not to worry about the things Jaehwan says. After all, it seems like half the things Jaehwan does are done just to get a rise out of people. Taekwoon doesn't want to keep letting himself be an easy target.

Still, even as they run the scene again, Taekwoon can’t quite shake Jaehwan’s words from his mind.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

"I'm sorry," Taekwoon says even though he's not sorry at all. "What did you just say?"

"We're having a little get-together tonight," Hakyeon says coolly as he wipes down their countertop with a bleach cleaner. Taekwoon thinks it's at least a little excessive. "We're going to have friends, some wine, and a good time. It’ll just be a chill Friday night together, okay?”

"I don't want to," Taekwoon says petulantly. "The last time we drank — "

"Was at a frat party," Hakyeon interrupts. "Which is honestly an atmosphere that's conducive to making shitty decisions. It's probably all the testosterone flying around. Or the cologne."

Taekwoon crosses his arms. "I still don’t want to.”

Hakyeon drops his cleaning rag with a sigh. “Why not?” he asks. “Do you actually have a reason to not want to hang out with friends in our own home? Or are you just being ornery?”

“I’m not ornery,” Taekwoon says stubbornly.

Hakyeon snorts. “Right. Okay. So what’s your reason?”

Taekwoon shifts his weight between his feet. “I don’t know,” he says quietly. “I’m just — ” _scared of making a fool of myself again,_ is how that sentence should truthfully end, but instead he just shrugs.

Hakyeon’s face softens. “I can tell Jaehwan not to come if he’s the reason — ”

Taekwoon shakes his head. “No, it’s not...just him. I just — I feel so _stupid_ after how I reacted at the party — ”

Hakyeon reaches over to brush Taekwoon’s hair out of his eyes. His fingers smell vaguely of bleach, but Taekwoon doesn’t pull back. “It wasn’t stupid, babe. You were both drunk and not making the best decisions, but that’s what almost everyone does when they drink. No one thinks you did anything particularly terrible.” He pauses for a second and the snorts. “Plus, it’s been a week. College students’ memories don’t last that long, I promise you.”

“Are you sure?” Taekwoon asks, hating how small his voice sounds.

“ _Yes,_ I’m sure,” Hakyeon reassures him. “And you know if anyone starts giving you shit, I’ll kick their ass, right?”

Taekwoon feels himself smile. “Yeah. I know.”

“Good.” Hakyeon leans up and gives Taekwoon a kiss on the forehead. “Now go find the broom, there’s a dust bunny in the bathroom that I think might actually be alive and plotting to murder us in our sleep.”

Taekwoon grumbles but listens to Hakyeon, grateful that he can always rely on his best friend to ground him whenever he gets stuck in his own head.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon works himself up and calms himself down at least four more times as they prepare for their friends to come over. He isn’t sure exactly why Hakyeon is acting like a suburban housewife inviting the neighbors over for the first time; all their friends have been over to their apartment at the worst of times, when even Hakyeon’s dirty laundry is scattered across the furniture and old dishes have been sitting in the sink for a week. However, when Taekwoon points this out to Hakyeon, he gets his ear talked off about _creating a welcoming space_ and a whole lot of other things that Taekwoon tunes out.

What it boils down to is that their apartment looks like a retired old couple lives in it instead of a couple college boys and the entire place smells like a strange combination of Lysol and febreze. Taekwoon barely even recognizes his own home.

Of course, it’s immediately ruined when Sanghyuk lets himself into the apartment and tosses his jacket over the back of the sofa and kicks his shoes off somewhere in the middle of the living room. But, of course, since it’s Sanghyuk, Hakyeon lets it slide.

Taekwoon isn’t sure what to expect from Jaehwan. Between the genuine apology and the whole tongue-in-the-mouth incident, Jaehwan’s been even more of a wild card lately than usual.

Really, what he should expect is exactly what happens: Jaehwan shows up at their door about forty minutes after everyone else and is already absolutely plastered.

Hakyeon frowns when he opens the door to see Jaehwan standing there, visibly swaying and off-balance. “You do realize we’re just staying in tonight, right?” he says slowly.

“Yep!” Jaehwan says brightly. “And I didn’t trust you to have any of the good stuff so I decided to take care of myself ahead of time.”

Hakyeon sighs. “I mean, we have wine, which is probably better than what you had, from the smell of you.”

"Excuse you," Jaehwan says, poking at Hakyeon's chest. "I have _perfectly_ fine alcohol, thank you."

"Sure you do," Hakyeon says with a wave of his hand. "Come inside, I don't want to let any bugs in."

"None except me, anyway," Jaehwan says, starting to make buzzing noises and acting like he's about to bite Hakyeon's arm.

"Shut up," Hakyeon says fondly, shoving Jaehwan into the apartment and closing the door.

Taekwoon immediately tries to make it look like he's been talking with Wonsik, Hongbin, and Sanghyuk on the couch so Jaehwan can't tell he was listening in, but he probably didn't need to worry in the first place. Jaehwan hums absentmindedly as he makes his way over to the couch and plops down almost directly in Taekwoon's lap.

"Whoops," Jaehwan says with a giggle, squirming so he falls off Taekwoon's thigh and onto the couch cushion instead. "Sorry, Taekwoonie. I really don't wanna, you know, fuck up physical boundaries. I said scout's honor, y'know? That shit's _important._ "

"I have to say," Taekwoon says drily, ignoring how his heart is in his throat from how close they are, "you really don’t strike me as the boy scout type."

"Oh, no, I’m really not." Jaehwan lets himself fall backwards, his head lolling on the back of the couch. "I hated it. And then there was this whole brouhaha about not allowing the gays in boy scouts and I saw my opportunity and took it."

Taekwoon frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I _mean,_ " Jaehwan says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, "that I told my parents I liked boys so obviously I couldn't be in the boy scouts anymore. And I told 'em if they made me go to any more meetings, I'd just tell everyone there too." He sighs wistfully. "Do you know how goddamn satisfying it is to turn that sort of shit around on someone for the first time? It's a fuckin' trip. Ten outta ten, highly recommend it."

Taekwoon is saved from having to respond by Wonsik leaning over him and doing one of those weird bro-handshake-fistbump right in front of Taekwoon's face. Hakyeon swans into the room with a bottle of wine and various glasses, cups, and mason jars to drink out of. Just because they cleaned their apartment like they're trying to keep up with the Joneses doesn't mean they have the matching dishes to go with the image, Taekwoon thinks.

As Hakyeon pours wine for each of them, he does what he does best and fills any moment of silence with chatter. "Isn't it nice to hang out without it being something like rehearsal or study dates?" he says, handing out Wonsik and Hongbin glasses. "It's good to just be with people we care about _because_ we care about them, you know?"

Taekwoon glances to the side in time to catch Hongbin pantomiming gagging and Wonsik trying to smother his giggles in his hands.

Sanghyuk raises an eyebrow at Hakyeon. "Did you pregame too?"

"No," Hakyeon says, affronted. "Why?"

"Because you're being sappy as fuck," Hongbin says, and he and Wonsik dissolve into laughter again, falling against each other and coming dangerously close to sloshing their untouched wine out of their glasses.

Hakyeon sticks his tongue out at the pair of them. "Unlike some people, I can express my emotions just fine sober, thanks."

Jaehwan lets out a pained-sounding groan and claps his hands over his heart. "You hit me right where it hurts, Hakyeon," he says in a wounded tone. "Why you gotta call me out like that?"

Hakyeon pours another glass, not even looking up when he replies, "I never said it was about you, did I? It's not my fault you made assumptions."

Jaehwan pouts and holds out his hand. "If you're gonna hurt my feelings like this, you may as well give me wine."

Hakyeon looks at him skeptically. "Do you really need any more?" Taekwoon has to agree. He's sitting next to Jaehwan, but even with a few inches of space between them he can smell the alcohol on him whenever Jaehwan turns his head.

"Please," Jaehwan scoffs, crossing his legs in a manner that is probably meant to look mature but just ends up looking clumsy and a little wobbly. "Wine is nothing."

"Well, that's definitely not true," Hakyeon says. "But you're an adult, so I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't do."

Taekwoon can hear Wonsik and Hongbin snorting further down on the couch.

"What about me?" Sanghyuk asks indignantly. "Why won't you give me wine?"

"Because you're nineteen," Hakyeon says, pouring a glass and handing it to Taekwoon while pointedly avoiding Sanghyuk's eyes.

"Yeah, exactly," Sanghyuk says. "I'm an _adult._ "

"You're not legal to drink," Hakyeon says firmly. "And you can go get alcohol other places, but not from me."

Sanghyuk crosses his arms and wilts. "I can die for our country but I can't have some _wine,_ this is _fascism —_ "

Jaehwan snickers. "The truth is out, Hakyeonnie," he crows. "Your reign of terror ends tonight — "

"Mutiny, mutiny, mutiny," Hongbin chants, Wonsik trying to join in but is laughing too hard to really make a difference.

"I welcome you into my _home,_ " Hakyeon huffs, but his eyes are twinkling with amusement. "I provide you with _food_ and _drink,_ and this is what I get in return?"

"The delight of our company," Jaehwan says cheerfully, throwing back half the glass of wine in one go. "You're welcome."

Hakyeon rolls his eyes. "I ought to be paid for putting up with all of you. I deserve a babysitting wage at least."

“I am an _adult,_ ” Sanghyuk insists. “So I should be _treated_ like one — ”

“ _Anyway,_ ” Hakyeon says loudly, “isn’t it nice to be all together with friends?”

“ _Are_ we all friends, though?” Jaehwan asks. Tension takes over the room, making the laughter and background whispers fall silent. Jaehwan is apparently too drunk to notice this. He turns to look at Taekwoon with imploring eyes, and Taekwoon’s stomach sinks. “I mean, I don’t even think Taekwoon _likes_ me.”

“ _Jaehwan,_ ” Hakyeon hisses, and Taekwoon can see Sanghyuk step on Jaehwan’s foot.

“What?” Jaehwan protests. “I’m just telling the truth, I don’t wanna presume things by saying we’re friends when Taekwoon probably wants me to die — ”

“I don’t want you to die,” Taekwoon says quietly.

“See? There you go,” Hakyeon says. “Everyone’s friends — ”

“Okay, so he doesn’t want me to die,” Jaehwan says, talking right over Hakyeon. “But he sure as hell doesn’t like me.” Taekwoon opens his mouth to speak and Jaehwan lifts his hands defensively and keeps speaking. “I mean, I’m not saying you have to, obviously, because I’ve been kind of a massive fuckwad, but — ”

“Stop talking,” Taekwoon says sharply, and Jaehwan’s mouth snaps shut. The room falls into eerie silence. Wonsik and Hongbin look like they’d rather be anywhere else but here, and Sanghyuk and Hakyeon are regarding him anxiously.

Taekwoon sighs. “It’s just — how am I supposed to know if I like you if I can’t even tell if you’re being honest half the time?”

Sanghyuk coughs awkwardly. So does Hongbin.

This is why Taekwoon hates this kind of stuff.

Jaehwan looks affronted. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you _mean,_ what do I mean?” Taekwoon asks, irritated by the fact that Jaehwan apparently can’t read his mind. “You lie all the time. I think.”

“Like when?” Jaehwan demands.

“I don’t know,” Taekwoon splutters. “The — the nose job?” The others in the room burst into laughter and Taekwoon continues, “The...parental abuse?”

The laughter in the room immediately dies.

“Well,” Jaehwan says thoughtfully. “Both of those things...are either truths or lies.”

Taekwoon doesn’t know what to say to that, staring at Jaehwan. Jaehwan looks back with a blank smile and then hiccups.

“So,” Hakyeon says. “Anyone want a shot? Not you, Jaehwan.”

Wonsik, Hongbin, and Sanghyuk all stand immediately, obviously looking for an excuse to escape the awkward situation. They follow Hakyeon to the kitchen, which would offer more of a buffer if the only division between their sitting room and kitchen wasn’t the counter. Taekwoon watches them all shuffle around, pointedly avoiding looking at where Jaehwan and Taekwoon are sitting.

Taekwoon stands abruptly, not wanting to be alone with Jaehwan again, at least not now. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he mutters, standing and walking out of the room. Instead of walking to the bathroom though, he turns into his own bedroom, closing the door as quietly as he can before walking over to collapse on the bed.

He isn’t sure how long he lies there, staring at the ceiling and contemplating his existence, before there’s a knock at the door.

“Go away, Hakyeon,” he says.

The door opens anyway and Taekwoon seriously considers throwing one of his pillows at the intruder.

“Not Hakyeon,” says the last voice Taekwoon expects. "But I hope that's all right.” Taekwoon makes to sit up, but Jaehwan waves his hands clumsily. “Nah, you stay there, I’ll come to you. If that’s okay? Damn, sorry, I gotta work on, like, asking for shit.”

Taekwoon nods slowly. “Yeah, you can come here.”

Jaehwan stumbles over to the bed and then awkwardly stands next to it. “Uh, can I — ”

“Yes, you can sit.”

There’s silence for a minute or two. All Taekwoon can hear is the hum of the air conditioner and the steady rise and fall of their breath.

“So,” Taekwoon says eventually. “Were you telling the truth about the nose job?” He figures it’s as good a place as any to start.

Jaehwan snorts. “Honey, do you think people are born with noses like this?”

“White people are,” Taekwoon points out.  
I  
Jaehwan almost falls off the bed from laughing, although Taekwoon thinks that might be mostly because of the alcohol. He’s being even louder than usual and his face is pink even in the dim light of Taekwoon’s room.

When Jaehwan has settled, Taekwoon quietly asks, “What about...the other thing?”

The smile slides off Jaehwan’s face and he suddenly looks — well, he looks his age. It’s a strange contrast to what Taekwoon is used to seeing from him. He sighs. “Can I lie down too?”

Taekwoon nods, scooting over to make space. If nothing else, he figures that having Jaehwan horizontal will prevent any unfortunate accidents, or at least lessen the distance he’ll fall to the floor.

Taekwoon is lying on his back and Jaehwan follows suit, not looking at Taekwoon as he settles his hands over his stomach. It makes Taekwoon feel like he shouldn’t be looking at Jaehwan, so he turns his head to look up at the ceiling. Like this, he can almost convince himself he’s alone.

And then Jaehwan starts talking.

“Yeah, it was true,” he says, his voice so quiet and slurred that it’s difficult for Taekwoon to pick out the words. “I mean, Hakyeon says it’s true. I still — I’m not really sure. I don’t know. It feels fake, you know? Like...things weren’t great, but they could’ve been worse. By a lot. Yeah.”

Taekwoon stays silent. It feels like it would be wrong to speak right now, like he needs to give Jaehwan as much space as possible.

“And it was like...I mean, Hakyeon acts like just because I am the way I am that means they were the way I say they were.” Jaehwan pauses. “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah.”

“But like — who am I? What the fuck am I? You know? Like, it doesn’t fuckin’ make a _person,_ to just — be like ‘fuck you’ and then fuckin’ — not do shit except drink and _bullshit —_ ”

Taekwoon glances over toward Jaehwan. He’s getting less coherent, and Taekwoon wonders if he’d snuck an extra drink before coming to see him. “Are you okay, Jaehwan?”

Jaehwan barks out a laugh. “I don’t fuckin’ know, my guy. I mean, I think I’m fuckin’ broken? And I don’t really know if shit was that bad when I was growing up and maybe I’m just — maybe I was fuckin’ fucked from the jump, you know? Like, maybe I’m just always gonna be like this.” He pauses, and when he speaks again he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears. “Oh my god, I’m _Katya._ ”

“You’re...what?” Taekwoon asks, confused. Jaehwan’s words are becoming more and more difficult to understand, and Taekwoon can’t make any sense of that last sentence.

Jaehwan rolls over on his side to look at Taekwoon and it feels like the spell is broken. Taekwoon feels safe looking at him again, so he does, turning on his side as well to face Jaehwan.

“I’m Katya,” Jaehwan explains tearfully. “The — the drag queen, you know?”

Taekwoon blinks. “Drag queens are more Hakyeon’s thing.”

Jaehwan hiccups, sounding less coherent by the second. “She’s my _queen,_ ” he says reverently, “but she’s so — so _fucked,_ she was like, a full-body rash in Robitussin middle school — ”

“I — _What?_ ”

“You _know._ ” Jaehwan waves his hands impatiently. “Drugs.”

“You do drugs?” Taekwoon asks, confused.

“ _No._ ” Jaehwan seems frustrated. “Katya does. And I’m Katya.”

“Okay,” Taekwoon says slowly. “I...think I’m gonna go get you some water.”

Jaehwan’s arms and legs wrap around him, surprisingly strong. “No,” he whines. “Don’t leave me.”

“Okay, okay.” Taekwoon tries to pry Jaehwan’s arms off, but he gives up pretty quickly. He wonders if alcohol works like some drugs where people can get ridiculously strong under the influence.

“Y’know, Taekwoonie,” Jaehwan slurs, his face pressed right up against Taekwoon’s. “Y’know what?”

“What?”

“It’s not fair.” He pokes Taekwoon’s ribs. “You share.”

“I don’t really...have any revelations like that to share,” Taekwoon says honestly.

Jaehwan huffs, seeming miffed. “Well...tell me about it. You, I mean.”

“What about me?”

Jaehwan’s brow furrows like thinking of a question is an impossibly difficult task. Taekwoon can clearly see the moment it hits him, Jaehwan’s eyes widening and his mouth curling into a grin. He says slowly and clearly, “Have you done sex yet?”

Taekwoon snorts. “Have I done sex yet?”

Jaehwan frowns. “That’s not right, is it?”

Taekwoon chuckles. “No, it’s not.”

“Are you…” Jaehwan squeezes his eyes shut, clearly thinking hard. “The thing. The thing I’m not.”

“The best singer in the theater program?” Taekwoon teases. It’s easier to get along with Jaehwan like this, when his tongue isn’t so sharp. Unfortunately, coherency seems to fall by the wayside, but...baby steps, Taekwoon thinks.

“Nooo,” Jaehwan whines. “”Vi...virgin! Are you?”

“Put the whole sentence together,” Taekwoon says, having more fun with this than he probably should be. “Or else I won’t answer.”

Jaehwan pouts, but tries again. “Are you,” he says slowly, “a...virgin?”

It hits Taekwoon only now that he actually has to answer the question.

“I — how would you define virgin?” Taekwoon says evasively. It’s not really a relevant question, considering the furthest he’s gotten have been his kisses with Hakyeon and Jaehwan; but maybe if he can distract Jaehwan long enough, he’ll get tired and move on.

Jaehwan pokes Taekwoon again, this time in the stomach, and it’s enough to make him squirm with ticklishness. “How far have you got, Taekwoonie?” he singsongs. “What base?”

“What are the bases again?” Taekwoon hedges.

Taekwoon holds up a hand in front of Taekwoon’s face to count them off. “French, feel, finger, fuck,” he recites.

“Of course you can remember that even when you’re wasted,” Taekwoon mutters.

“Tell me,” Jaehwan pleads, starting to rock their bodies back and forth on the bed. “Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me — ”

“Oh my god, okay, I’ve — I’ve just kissed.” Taekwoon steadfastly avoids Jaehwan’s eyes. “Are you happy?”

Jaehwan is silent for a few terrible seconds, and Taekwoon braces for laughter.

“You’re — damn it, Janet!” Jaehwan says excitedly.

Taekwoon can’t stop himself from meeting Jaehwan’s eyes again, trying to figure out if he’s mocking him. “Rocky Horror? The Rocky Horror Picture Show?”

“Yes!” Jaehwan says, trying to sit up but failing spectacularly. He seems to resign himself to lying down, expressing his emotions through kicking his feet in the air instead. “ _I was feelin’ done in...couldn’t win...I’d only ever kissed befooore._ ”

Taekwoon sighs. “What a flattering comparison.”

Suddenly, there’s a mischievous twinkle in Jaehwan’s eye. “You know,” he says in a tone that’s probably meant to be seductive but misses the mark, “you could also...be gold shorts.”

“Rocky?” Taekwoon asks disbelievingly.

“Yeah, Rocky Horror,” Jaehwan says impatiently. “Gold shorts. Sexy.”

“You think I should...wear the gold shorts?” Taekwoon asks. God his face feels like it’s on fire, remembering all the times Hakyeon had made him watch the musical and he’d had to try not to pop a boner at the muscular man in the tiny golden shorts. The idea of Taekwoon wearing them is laughable.

Jaehwan’s head drops down to Taekwoon’s shoulder and he nods into Taekwoon’s neck. “You can be golden,” he slurs, his voice muffled against Taekwoon’s skin. “I’ll be Frank.”

Taekwoon huffs out a laugh. “You mean Dr. Frank N. Furter?”

“Mmhmm,” Jaehwan hums. “Good.”

“If you say so,” Taekwoon says, amused.

“Not blonde,” Jaehwan mumbles. “Good titty. Important.”

Taekwoon has completely lost the thread of what Jaehwan is saying, so he just makes a vaguely noncommittal noise. He realizes the arm that’s gotten trapped under Jaehwan has come up to wrap around his back and his thumb is tracing tiny circles on his shirt.

“Are you sure you don’t want water?” Taekwoon asks. The only response he gets is silence. “Jaehwan?”

Jaehwan lets out a whistling snore and Taekwoon snorts. Of course he’s fallen asleep. Just to tick all the drunken stereotype boxes.

He tells himself the reason he doesn’t move is because he doesn’t want to have to deal with a conscious Jaehwan again.

He tells himself that until he falls asleep beside him, Jaehwan’s limbs still curled around Taekwoon’s torso loosely, keeping him warm through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you don't know who katya is, please [go love my mom](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EC6YPccLbWw) (this is the episode the robitussin thing came from)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hakyeon exhales sharply. "This is why I hate arguing with half of a couple. It always turns into two against one, no matter how much sense you're making."
> 
> Sanghyuk can practically feel the gears in his brain grind to a halt. "A couple?" he asks. He knows what the word means, but in the context of the conversation that just happened, he can't figure out how it fits. "You mean like...roommates?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another little chasang chapter~ since they're a pretty major pairing in this fic, i'm thinking about adding them to the relationship tags as well as keo? but i don't wanna disappoint any chasang shippers in the tag, so let me know what y'all think, thanks ♡

"Well," Hongbin says into the silence of the kitchen once Jaehwan has left the sitting room and they hear a door click shut down the hallway. "That went well."

Sanghyuk silently agrees with Hongbin. Lately, it seems like anytime Jaehwan and Taekwoon interact with each other, it's not a matter of if shit will go down, but when.

Hakyeon huffs. "It could've gone worse." He lifts the wine bottle to pour more into his glass, pauses, and then takes a swig straight from it instead. He sets it back down heavily with a tired sigh. "I don't know what I expected."

"Neither do I," Hongbin quips. "But hey, at least we have all this wine."

Wonsik snorts and Hakyeon narrows his eyes at them.

"How can you joke about that right now?" Hakyeon frets. "What if Jaehwan and Taekwoon never figure their shit out? What if they just — "

"I mean, then that's that, right?" Hongbin shrugs. "I'm not their mom. It's not my problem."

"What do you _mean,_ it's not your problem?" Hakyeon demands.

Hongbin looks utterly unimpressed, but Wonsik steps forward so he's halfway in front of him. "Hakyeon," Wonsik says lowly. "You're doing that thing again."

Sanghyuk awkwardly stuffs his hands into his pockets. This sounds like an argument that they've been having since before Sanghyuk started school here, and he feels distinctly out of place.

"I'm not doing anything except trying to be a good friend," Hakyeon says defensively. "I just — "

"We know you just want to help," Wonsik interrupts. "But sometimes you just...have to accept that you can't control people, you know?"

"I'm not trying to _control_ them," Hakyeon says indignantly. "I'm trying to make them happy."

"You can't _make_ them do anything," Hongbin says exasperatedly. "That's the problem."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to actually help people," Hakyeon snaps.

Hongbin scoffs and opens his mouth to reply, but Wonsik tugs at his sleeve to get his attention. When Hongbin meets his eye, Wonsik shakes his head minutely before turning to Hakyeon and saying, "We're gonna go back to our place. Thanks for trying to organize all this, Hakyeon. You did a good job."

Wonsik gives Sanghyuk an awkward little wave as he guides Hongbin to the door. Sanghyuk doesn't know what to do, continuing to stand there awkwardly while the other two leave him alone with Hakyeon.

"So," he says. "Um."

Hakyeon exhales sharply. "This is why I hate arguing with half of a couple. It always turns into two against one, no matter how much sense you're making."

Sanghyuk can practically feel the gears in his brain grind to a halt. "A couple?" he asks. He knows what the word means, but in the context of the conversation that just happened, he can't figure out how it fits. "You mean like...roommates?"

Hakyeon laughs abruptly. "I don't know, Sanghyuk. What do you think?"

"Don't take it out on me just because you're mad at them," Sanghyuk says, wounded and confused. "I was asking an honest question, you don't need to bite my head off."

"I — you're right, I'm sorry." Hakyeon sighs and rubs his forehead. "But really, if I called them a couple, why would you think I meant roommates?"

"I...don't know," Sanghyuk says sheepishly.

"And _furthermore,_ " Hakyeon continues, "there's a difference between roommates and _roommates._ "

Sanghyuk blinks. "You've lost me."

"Sanghyuk...." Hakyeon pulls himself up to sit on the counter and pats the space next to him. "You're adorable. But you're very, very dense."

"Thank you?" Sanghyuk ventures, hopping up onto the counter next to Hakyeon. "Or not?"

Hakyeon snorts. "God help me," he says under his breath. "Listen, Taekwoon and I aren't dating obviously, but...when Wonsik and Hongbin say they're roommates, they mean _roommates._ As in boyfriends. I didn't tell you before because I thought Hongbin might chew me out for it, but the way they were acting in front of everyone tonight, I don't think he was trying to hide it from anyone here."

" _What?_ " Sanghyuk's entire world view is flipped on its head. "But — but Wonsik and Hongbin are straight, aren't they?"

"What in the world gave you that impression?" Hakyeon asks, sounding amused.

"I mean — Hongbin plays Overwatch," Sanghyuk says weakly. "And — and Wonsik has a YOLO tattoo."

Hakyeon pulls a face. "Don't remind me."

"And they're both, like... _dudes,_ you know?"

"No, I don't know," Hakyeon says coolly. "Does that mean I'm not a 'dude,' as you put it?"

"No, that's not — no." Sanghyuk drops his head down into his hands. "They're like _me,_ though."

"So?" Hakyeon says. "They can be like you and be gay. We're not a different fucking species, you know."

"Does that mean..." Sanghyuk blanches. "Does that mean they have _sex?_ Like gay sex?"

"As opposed to straight sex?" Hakyeon teases. "Honestly, I don't know. Hongbin's ace, so I'm not sure what exactly they do, or if they do anything." Hakyeon must read the confusion on Sanghyuk's face, because he chuckles and says, "We'll save that discussion for another day."

"And here I thought Hongbin was having sex with girls," Sanghyuk says, awestruck.

That makes Hakyeon burst out laughing, slapping his hands happily on his thighs. "Oh, that's funny," he says, sounding near tears. "Hongbin having sex with girls. I think he'd actually pass out. Have you ever seen him when a girl flirts with him? Hongbin with a girl would be like a mouse going out with a feral cat."

"But — then what's Wonsik?" Sanghyuk asks. "If he doesn't have sex with a guy, then...what _is_ he?"

"He's Hongbin's boyfriend," Hakyeon says simply. "You know, it's funny how Hongbin will throw a tantrum about sappy stuff when his own relationship is so textbook and adorable."

"What do you mean?"

"They grew up together." Hakyeon kicks his feet in a steady rhythm, his heels bumping quietly against the cabinets beneath the counter. "Something about Wonsik having a big dumb crush on Hongbin ever since they were six, but Hongbin didn't even know Wonsik existed."

Sanghyuk snorts. "Poor Wonsik."

"Oh, don't worry," Hakyeon reassures him. "They started dating in high school. And then they came to the same school and moved in together and they've been living happily ever after since then."

"That — that really is kind of stereotypical," Sanghyuk admits. "I thought only like, white Southerners did that sort of thing."

"Surprise," Hakyeon says drily. "Gay Asian men are the new Southern belles, apparently."

Hearing the word "gay" out loud seems more real than just "they're dating" or "they're boyfriends" for some reason. It feels concrete, undeniable, and Sanghyuk stares at the wall trying to parse his thoughts. "How did I not know all my friends are gay?" he wonders aloud.

Hakyeon laughs. "I honestly have no idea. I thought everyone could tell, but apparently not."

"I mean, I knew you were gay because you're — you know." Sanghyuk hopes Hakyeon won't take offense, but he doesn't know how to word his sentence to make sure he won't hurt anyone's feelings.

All Hakyeon does is not in acknowledgement. "I know."

"But Taekwoon? I didn't even know he was gay until like a week ago."

Hakyeon snickers. "That's actually hilarious, because he's just as obvious as I am."

"I didn't _know,_ " Sanghyuk whines. "How was I supposed to know? Is there a leaflet I can read or something? A book? Where do I even find this information?"

Hakyeon is laughing again, a full-bodied laugh that has him leaning against Sanghyuk's shoulder for support, his body warm against Sanghyuk's side. "You're precious," he says between giggles.

"Seriously," Sanghyuk complains. "I thought the stereotype was the one gay friend in a group, not the one straight friend."

"That's so untrue," Hakyeon replies. "We flock together. Usually you just end up with the token straight friend. When I was in high school, my friend group started out as 'totally straight,' but by the time we graduated, all of us were some kind of...you know. LGBT and all that jazz."

Sanghyuk furrows his brow, trying to process all the information he's heard today. "How — how did you figure out?" he asks. "I mean, you said it was a long process the last time we talked. Sorting all the gay stuff out, that is."

"It really is," Hakyeon says, sounding tired. "It's kind of different for everyone, but also kind of the same? It's weird, is what it is."

"Can you — " Sanghyuk hesitates, not sure if he's overstepping a boundary. "Is it okay if I ask what it was like for you? Like, in detail. You just kind of skimmed over it."

"Well." Hakyeon is silent for a moment. "For me, I'm gay, right? I'm not into women at all. If you want to know about bisexuality, ask Jaehwan or Wonsik. So I remember back in elementary school, the boys daring each other to ask girls to be their girlfriends, and I had no idea what they were on about. They were asking me, 'Which of the girls do you _like-_ like?'"

Sanghyuk can't stop himself from laughing. "Man, I haven't heard that in well over a decade."

"Right?" Hakyeon shakes his head, amused. "Anyway, I told them I didn't even know what they were talking about, and they were like, 'You know, the girl you want to kiss.' And I just, you know," — he shrugs — " didn't...want to kiss a girl. Ever. It was a completely foreign concept to me."

"You wanted to kiss boys instead?" Sanghyuk asks.

Hakyeon frowns in thought. "No, that's not quite it. I mean, at that point I hadn't really...seen anyone being gay? Not around me anyway. You know how first-generation Asians are about gay people."

Sanghyuk nods. He definitely knows.

"So," Hakyeon continues, "I didn't even know that boys _could_ kiss each other. I mean, I conceptually kind of knew what gay meant, but it wasn't something I really thought about, you know? It wasn't until I was in middle school and I watched — okay, don't laugh at this, but I watched Glee — "

Sanghyuk chokes on his laugh trying to turn it into a cough.

"I _told_ you not to laugh," Hakyeon says, smacking Sanghyuk's arm. "Listen, that show was a fucking disaster, but it was my first time actually seeing a gay guy. And then two boys kissed? And suddenly I realized that maybe...maybe that was why I didn't really want to kiss girls. Because I wanted to do that instead."

Sanghyuk tries to keep a straight face as he asks, "Kiss heartthrob triple threat Darren Criss?"

"Han Sanghyuk, I will push you off this counter," Hakyeon threatens. "And _you_ knew the actor's name, so who's really the weird one here?"

"Hey, hey." Sanghyuk raises his hands defensively. "I never said you were weird. I was trying to relate to you. _Understand_ you."

"Uh-huh." Hakyeon doesn't sound like he believes Sanghyuk, but he moves on anyway. "So at that point, the gay seedling had been planted in my brain, but I still didn't really _get_ it, you know? Because maybe it was just a weird one-time brain thing or something, I don't know."

"Didn't you get crushes on guys, though?" Sanghyuk asks curiously.

"I didn't know that was what they were," Hakyeon replies. "I would be friends with guys and I would get...really, really attached to one guy at a time, you know? And I remember one time, I was working the concession stand at a basketball game for student council — "

"That sounds like something you would do."

"Shut up, I'm talking," Hakyeon says. "Anyway, we're working in this cramped little concession stand and it's half-time so we're busting our asses. I mean, I think i got nacho cheese in my hair that day."

"Sexy," Sanghyuk comments, amused.

"I made it work," Hakyeon sniffs. "So I'm running around the concession stand like a chicken with my head cut off. One of the other student council members is working with me, and I — " Hakyeon hesitates and Sanghyuk can see a slight blush rising in his cheeks. "I was fond of him, I'm not going to lie, but I didn't really anticipate...having feelings."

"What happened?" Sanghyuk asks. "Did you fall on top of each other like in a drama and like, almost accidentally kiss?"

Hakyeon snorts. "Nothing quite so romantic. You know when you're trying to go through a door at the same time as someone else is trying to come through the other way? And you do that weird side-step dance thing because neither of you wants to be that asshole?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, we were in that situation and he just — " Hakyeon waves his hands, looking slightly embarrassed. "He kind of grabbed my by the hips and just physically moved me out of the way. And I kind of...really liked it."

Sanghyuk blinks. "Did you get really a boner from some student council asshole shoving you out of the way to get to the nachos?"

" _No,_ " Hakyeon squawks before muttering, "It was a half-chub at most."

Sanghyuk howls with laughter, ignoring Hakyeon's protests and smacks on the arm. "That's fucking hilarious," he wheezes. "I think I'm gonna cry — "

"Fuck you," Hakyeon says, but he's smiling as if he can't help himself. "And the horse you rode in on."

Sanghyuk exhales slowly, fanning himself with a hand to try to cool himself down. "Okay, so. That was your real gay awakening."

"Kind of." Hakyeon tilts his head thoughtfully. "I mean, that was the first time I kind of went, 'Oh shit, I really have some kind of feelings for at least one guy.' So I knew what gay people were at this point and I had a vague crush on a boy, but I still didn't actually get that I was gay."

Sanghyuk looks at him doubtfully. "How the hell does that work?"

"Because your brain will do all kinds of mental gymnastics to convince itself that you're not really _that thing,_ even if everything else indicates otherwise." Hakyeon laughs quietly, as if to himself. "Being gay always seemed so... _other,_ you know?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, I came up with a ton of excuses for why I felt the way I did about guys. Sure, I wanted to kiss them, but maybe it was just because I really looked up to them, right?" His tone of voice makes it clear he's poking fun at himself, and Sanghyuk looks over to see Hakyeon smiling fondly as he reminisces. "Because obviously when you jerk off thinking about frotting with another guy, it's just really deep-seated admiration for him."

Sanghyuk snorts. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Hakyeon replies. "For me, it didn't click until one of my friends actually came out and I realized...oh. It's here. It can be right here. It can be my friends, hell, it can be me. And then I went home and cried my eyes out into my pillow for a few hours, but it felt...right. You know?"

"No, I don't know," Sanghyuk says, not sure what else Hakyeon is expecting.

Hakyeon lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "That's fair. It was just...a big deal for me, personally, I guess? Because it's like you have all these pieces and then something makes them fall into place all at once and then — it all makes sense." He laughs, rubbing his palms on his thighs self-consciously. "I mean, it did for me. Like I said, it's different for everyone."

"Yeah, that — " Sanghyuk swallows, his throat dry. "That makes sense."

Hakyeon sighs and rubs his face with his hands before hopping down off the counter. "I should probably just clean everything up," he says wearily.

"I can help," Sanghyuk offers.

Hakyeon smiles at Sanghyuk, and it's bright and warm and _fuck,_ Sanghyuk doesn't want to think about that. "I'd really appreciate that."

Sanghyuk helps Hakyeon clear up the apartment, which is fairly easy since they hadn't gotten many things out in the short span of time between everyone arriving and Jaehwan and Taekwoon being Jaehwan and Taekwoon. He helps sweep and clean the wine glasses and put everyone's shoes in a neat row by the door, the way he knows Hakyeon likes shoes to be kept. The physical activity is a welcome distraction right now, and Sanghyuk loses himself in the work.

"Sanghyuk?" Hakyeon's voice pulls him out of his head.

"Yeah?" Sanghyuk asks, freezing in the middle of sweeping.

"You've been sweeping the same spot on the floor for about five minutes," Hakyeon points out. "Everything's pretty much taken care of."

"Oh," Sanghyuk says lamely. "Yeah, you're right."

Hakyeon steps toward him, taking the broom from his hand. Their fingers brush for just a second, and Sanghyuk wonders if Hakyeon is one of those people who's always warm. "You can go home now, Sanghyuk."

"I — yeah. Yeah, okay." Sanghyuk shuffles over to put on his shoes and then hesitates. He can't remember how they normally say goodbye, his brain feels strangely fuzzy considering Hakyeon hadn't even let him _drink —_

"You can come over tomorrow if you want," Hakyeon offers.

Is that normal? Sanghyuk asks himself. Is it normal for guys to see each other this often, to schedule around each other like this? "Yeah," he hears himself say distantly.

"All right." Hakyeon gives him another warm smile and Sanghyuk _really_ wishes he'd stop doing that because Sanghyuk is having a hard time making the words go in his brain right now. "I'll see you whenever you come by, then."

"Yep," Sanghyuk says, his voice sounding slightly strangled to his own ears. He hopes Hakyeon doesn't notice.

"Okay. Well. Bye, then." Hakyeon looks at him questioningly and then suddenly his face is getting closer and closer and Sanghyuk is _frozen —_

Hakyeon's lips brush against Sanghyuk's cheek, a gentle peck that all his friends are familiar with. Right now, though, Sanghyuk can feel his brain short-circuit and his breath catch in his chest. He looks down into Hakyeon's smiling face one more time and thinks _oh, shit._ Out loud, he says, "See you tomorrow."

He walks out the door, trying to keep his cool as he makes his way back to his dorm room. When he gets back, he flops on his bed face-down, groaning loudly into his pillow.

What the _fuck_ is going on?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hakyeon sits up in bed, his hair sticking up in the back. "Do you want to talk about last night?"
> 
> Taekwoon freezes. "Who says there's anything to talk about?"

When Taekwoon wakes up the next morning, he's alone in his room. He sits up in bed, looking around the room, as if Jaehwan's going to pop out from behind the dresser and surprise him, but there's no trace of him anywhere. Taekwoon hauls himself out of bed and shuffles into the main room, frowning when he sees that the only shoes by the door are his and Hakyeon's.

"Hakyeon?" he calls out. When he hears a muffled response from the other bedroom, he walks over and opens the door, frowning. "Did Jaehwan leave?"

Hakyeon looks up, still curled up under his comforter with just his socked toes poking out the bottom. "Yeah. He said he needed to do laundry or something. Apparently you drooled on his shirt."

Taekwoon blushes. "That's bullshit," he says. "Did he — did he seem all right?"

Hakyeon shrugged. "Yeah, he seemed normal. A little sleepy, but nothing out of the ordinary."

Taekwoon hovers awkwardly in the doorway, playing with a splinter of wood that's breaking away from the doorjamb. "I mean...he didn't seem panicky or like, on edge or defensive?"

Hakyeon snorts. "Not any more than usual, you mean?"

"Well." Taekwoon has to admit that Hakyeon has a point. "Yeah."

"Seriously, Taek, he seemed the same as usual." Hakyeon sits up in bed, his hair sticking up in the back. "Do you want to talk about last night?"

Taekwoon freezes. "Who says there's anything to talk about?"

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow at him. "Taekwoon, please. You do remember that the whole conversation started out in the sitting room with everyone, right?"

Damn, he'd forgotten about that. His mind has been so preoccupied with the thought of Jaehwan whispering to him in the dark, Jaehwan next to him in his bed —

"We just...talked some stuff out," Taekwoon says aloud.

"You want to tell me what kind of stuff?" Hakyeon prods.

Taekwoon hesitates, the floorboards of the threshold to Hakyeon's room creaking underneath him as he shifts his weight and fidgets. "I — I don't know if Jaehwan would want me to tell."

"Listen." Hakyeon rolls over onto his front so he's facing Taekwoon, resting his weight on his elbows. "I don't mean this in a condescending way, but if Jaehwan told it to you, he probably told me a long time ago."

"Right," Taekwoon says. "Of course. I'm...gonna go. Do stuff."

Hakyeon gives him a concerned look. "Are you sure? Is everything — "

"Everything's fine," Taekwoon says abruptly, turning away and closing the door behind him.

Stupid. He's being _stupid._ There's no reason for him to be disappointed that Jaehwan didn't save his life story just for Taekwoon. _Obviously_ Hakyeon had heard it first, that's why he'd told Jaehwan to come here in the first place. Taekwoon sighs and runs a hand down his face.

He doesn't even know why he's disappointed, really. Maybe he'd just liked the idea of being special. It's not that he wants to be Jaehwan's friend — hell, he doesn't even like spending _time_ with him —

That's not true, a traitorous corner of his brain whispers. He'd enjoyed being with Jaehwan last night. He'd enjoyed the teasing and the laughing and the raw honesty that had come out of it, even if it had been marred by Jaehwan's incoherence toward the end.

Taekwoon shakes his head, heading toward the kitchen to start making coffee. Hopefully caffeine will shake him out of this...whatever the hell this is. He's never thought of himself as the type to want to be close to everyone. It's not that he doesn't like having friends, but he doesn't usually get excited just by the prospect of someone opening up to him if they're not already important to him. He doesn't know why Jaehwan of all people is sparking this sort of reaction from him.

He sighs deeply as the coffee pot starts to burble. He doesn't take friends on as pity projects the way Hakyeon does. Even if Hakyeon genuinely cares about people, he's always looking for ways to help or things to fix, and Taekwoon isn't _like_ that. Maybe that makes him a selfish person. Maybe it's just something that's different between them. Taekwoon doesn't really know, and thinking about it right now is giving him a headache.

Later. He'll deal with the Jaehwan thing later.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon manages to put the Jaehwan thing out of his mind until their next rehearsal.

Well. That's not entirely true. He doesn't contact Jaehwan or ask Hakyeon anything more about him (and even if that's because he doesn't have Jaehwan's phone number and he doesn't want to deal with Hakyeon's snooping if he asks for it, he thinks it counts). Either way, he doesn't let himself actually do anything about whatever the hell had happened with Jaehwan that night.

He thinks he might run into Jaehwan over the weekend — after all, Jaehwan comes over regularly to bother Hakyeon if nothing else — but he's unusually absent. Taekwoon tries to tell himself it's not because of anything he's done, but still, the only thing keeping him from asking Hakyeon about Jaehwan again is his pride.

By the time their next rehearsal rolls around, Taekwoon almost feels like he's looking forward to seeing Jaehwan. It's a completely foreign feeling and Taekwoon isn't sure if he likes it.

When Jaehwan enters the practice room, Taekwoon tries to subtly catch his eye, but Jaehwan doesn't even glance at him as he makes a beeline for Sanghyuk.

Taekwoon's stomach sinks but he tries to ignore it. Of course Jaehwan isn't going to change just because of one night. Of course it wasn't significant to Jaehwan.

Taekwoon wants to laugh at himself. He's acting like a jilted one night stand, not...whatever he and Jaehwan are.

Jaehwan glances in his direction and catches Taekwoon looking at him. It's too sudden for Taekwoon to pretend that he wasn't staring, so he meets Jaehwan's eye with a carefully blank expression. He doesn't know where he stands with Jaehwan. Part of him wonders if that night have even happened.

Jaehwan strolls over, hands in his pockets and shoulders relaxed, the very picture of unbothered. It's such a stark contrast to how Taekwoon feels that he isn't sure what to do in the face of it.

"Hey, there, Taekwoonie," Jaehwan drawls. "Do I have something on my face or are you just smitten with my beauty?"

Taekwoon stares at him. "Do you — what?"

"Why do you keep staring?" Jahewan winks. "Have you finally fallen for my charms?"

"No," Taekwoon says indignantly. "What are you — why would you think that?"

"Well, what other reason would you have for staring at my gorgeous face?" Jaehwan asks, preening a bit.

"Maybe because I want to know how you're doing after Friday night," Taekwoon says flatly.

Jaehwan raises his eyebrows. "Friday night?" he repeats.

"Yeah." Taekwoon pauses. "You know, the wine party at our place."

"Ah, yes, the _wine party._ " Something about Jaehwan's tone of voice immediately sets Taekwoon on edge, and his suspicions are confirmed when Jaehwan says, "That's one of the unfortunate side effects of an excess of vodka, Taekwoonie." He chuckles. "Or maybe just the right amount, depending on who you ask."

"What do you mean?" Taekwoon asks numbly. Of all the scenarios he'd pictured — Jaehwan breaking down and being honest with him, Jaehwan defensively throwing barbs at him, Jaehwan actually physically punching him for bringing it up — for some reason, he hadn't anticipated this.

"I mean," Jaehwan says slowly, "I blacked out. I have no fuckin' clue what you're talking about. I remember showing up at your place and then waking up the next morning."

It stings more than it should. Actually, it shouldn't sting at all. So what if Jaehwan got blackout drunk and doesn't remember being obnoxious in Taekwoon's bed? It's no skin off Taekwoon's nose, it's _not_ his problem because he's not Hakyeon and he doesn't _do_ this.

"All right, then," Taekwoon says stiffly. "I assume we don't need to talk about it, then."

"You assume correctly." Jaehwan tilts his head, the corner of his mouth turning down just slightly. "Are we gonna be okay? Acting, I mean."

The implication that Taekwoon would be the reason they couldn't act together — as opposed to borderline drunk, part-time asshole, and full-time brat Lee Jaehwan — is enough to raise Taekwoon's hackles. "It'll be fine," he says shortly. "Sorry for thinking any differently."

Jaehwan shrugs. "No harm, no foul."

"Yeah," Taekwoon says. "No harm." He isn't sure what expression is on his face right now, but it's probably a stupidly confused one. Fuck, he hopes he doesn't look _hurt_ just because Jaehwan is being Jaehwan. It doesn't really matter what Taekwoon's face looks like, though, because Jaehwan is deliberately studying his nails, humming one of the songs from the show under his breath.

Taekwoon doesn't know why he feels so...snubbed.

It's _stupid,_ he thinks to himself. He's being stupid, stupid, _stupid._ Jaehwan makes him stupid.

He gets so caught up in his thoughts that he almost doesn't realize when Hakyeon is instructing everyone to take their places and prepare for the scene. They're back on the rave scene again, finally running it fully instead of Hakyeon trying to get everyone to understand the choreography they're meant to do in the background.

Taekwoon takes a deep breath and tries to shove all the thoughts about Jaehwan back where they were over the weekend so he can focus.

But apparently his thoughts aren't as obedient when Jaehwan is right there in front of him.

Focus on the lines, Taekwoon tells himself firmly. Focus on the part, the story —

His internal monologue dies when Jaehwan strips off his shirt. It's for the role, he tells himself. Of course his character is attracted to Jaehwan — no, Jaehwan's _character_ — they're dating. In the musical. That's all. So maybe Jaehwan's character happens to have soft skin and a prettily tapered waist and a flirty grin just like Jaehwan, but it's _not_ really them. Jaehwan is playing a role and so is Taekwoon.

That's all he needs to worry about right now.

Still, when Jaehwan wraps the shirt around the back of Taekwoon's neck and pulls him in as if to kiss him, Taekwoon has to place his hands on Jaehwan's bare chest to push him back and _fuck,_ Jaehwan is nice to touch. He's warm and smooth and Taekwoon thinks he can feel a nipple under his thumb and he's never touched another guy's nipple before, not when their bodies are so close like this anyway —

He gently pushes Jaehwan back, acting the part of the closeted boy who doesn't want his boyfriend to get too close when they're dancing. But of course Jaehwan comes back, and Taekwoon knows what's coming because he's read the script and they've blocked out this part before, but it's still a little overwhelming to have a shirtless Jaehwan dancing on him.

Taekwoon's hands come up to awkwardly rest on Jaehwan's waist (his tiny, _tiny_ waist) and he looks down into Jaehwan's face. It's a good thing that's what the script calls for, because he doesn't think he could make himself _not_ do it.

Suddenly, the music cuts out and it feels like a plug's been pulled. Taekwoon immediately steps back from Jaehwan, stuffing his hands into his pockets and avoiding his eyes. He can hear Hakyeon bitching someone out in the background, something along the lines of _are you made of flesh and bone or plywood,_ but he tries to shut out any outside noise.

Instead, he focuses on himself. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. This is no different than all the rehearsals before. A little skin doesn't change that.

He thinks of that again as they take their places and restart the scene. He thinks of that when Jaehwan tugs off his shirt and pulls Taekwoon close. He thinks about it especially hard when he takes Jaehwan's face in his hands and presses their mouths together, feeling the warmth of Jaehwan's body through his own shirt.

It's all a part to play, he reminds himself. That's all.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

On his way home from rehearsal, Taekwoon stops by the campus center food court. He thinks he's earned some ice cream after the day he's had. He eats it slowly on his way home, telling himself the tingle in his lips is from the cold instead of what he’d been doing at rehearsal.

He knows Hakyeon has a class, so he expects the apartment to be empty when he gets there. What he doesn’t expect is a tall figure rising from the couch in the dim evening light and saying, “I was waiting for you.”

Taekwoon yelps and almost drops his ice cream fumbling for the light. When he flicks it on, he looks at the intruder and blanches.

“ _Sanghyuk?”_ Taekwoon demands. “What the hell are you doing here? Hakyeon doesn’t get back until eight.”

“Good,” Sanghyuk replies. “I’m here for you.”

Taekwoon squints at Sanghyuk, racking his brain for what he might be here to talk about. Shit, did he finally realize that Taekwoon didn't actually have the same shirt as him and had actually stolen it from him? Dammit, he should have returned it earlier —

"I...have some questions to ask you," Sanghyuk says haltingly.

"About what?" Taekwoon says, trying to sound nonchalant. "I don't know if there's anything I could help you with — "

"Gay stuff," Sanghyuk blurts out.

Taekwoon is shocked into silence for a second. "Oh."

"Like. Gay sex stuff," Sanghyuk clarifies.

" _Oh._ "

"Yeah." Sanghyuk looks down at his feet and then back up at Taekwoon. "And uh, you're the only person I know that I can talk to about this."

"What about Hakyeon?" Taekwoon asks a little bit desperately. "He'd be way, way better about this — "

"I really don't want to talk to Hakyeon," Sanghyuk says quickly. "I mean, he's great and everything, but he's — you know?"

"No," Taekwoon says, confused. "I don't know."

Sanghyuk makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. "Look, can you just come sit on the couch with me and we can — can talk about gay sex?"

Taekwoon briefly wonders if he's hallucinating, so closes his eyes for a few seconds and opens them back up. Sanghyuk is still there. Accepting his fate, he walks over to the couch and takes a seat as far away from Sanghyuk's end as he can. Sanghyuk follows suit, leaning back against the arm of the couch and hugging his knees to his chest.

"This is not a conversation I ever thought I'd be having," Taekwoon says faintly.

"Yeah, that makes two of us." Sanghyuk replies. "So, uh. I don't really know where to start."

"I don't either."

"Okay. Great. Cool." Sanghyuk coughs and stares at his knees. "So. Basics first, I guess?"

"What do you consider basics?" Taekwoon asks. Between the two of them, Sanghyuk has far more experience with sex in general than Taekwoon. Hell, even if all of Sanghyuk's experience is with girls, at least he _has_ some. By contrast, Taekwoon is sitting here with one non-staged kiss under his belt and an accidental onstage nipple touch.

"I — I don't know." Sanghyuk frowns. "Like, what do gay guys consider sex?"

Taekwoon pauses for a second. What _do_ gay guys consider sex? "I think it depends on the gay guy?" he says weakly. "Honestly, I think Hakyeon would really be better to talk to about this — "

"But I can't," Sanghyuk whines.

"Why not?"

"Because I just can't." Sanghyuk rests his chin on his knees. "So is gay sex like, always butt stuff?"

"Oh god," Taekwoon says. "I — I don't think so? I mean, I know Hakyeon's into it — "

"Do you know what, uh, Hakyeon prefers?" Sanghyuk asks, studiously avoiding Taekwoon's eyes.

Taekwoon pulls a face. "Why the hell would I know that?"

Sanghyuk shrugs defensively. "I don't know, I thought maybe you guys talked about this sort of thing — "

"We don't," Taekwoon says flatly.

Sanghyuk falls silent for a moment and Taekwoon hopes he's done. Unfortunately, his hopes are dashed a few seconds later.

"Could you maybe...ask him for me?" Sanghyuk asks meekly.

Taekwoon's mind goes horribly blank. "Ask him what?"

"If he likes — you know." Sanghyuk squirms a little in his seat. "Pitching or catching."

"Oh, god, _no,_ " Taekwoon says, horrified. "I never, ever need to know about Hakyeon's sexual preferences — wait, why do _you_ need to know?"

"Um." Sanghyuk turns red to the tips of his ears. "Sociology project."

Taekwoon squints. "Then why do you need to know about Hakyeon in particular?"

"Well, you know, random sampling," Sanghyuk babbles, "and the whole, uh, gotta follow through to get an actual good sample, you know, can't just, uh, give up on things, that's bad science — "

"Are you assuming I'd know about Hakyeon's...stuff because we're both gay?"

"No!" Sanghyuk says hastily. "I thought since you're roommates, maybe you knew."

"You talk to your roommates about what you like during sex?" Taekwoon asks, slightly scandalized.

"No, I just — " Sanghyuk blushes and then mutters something under his breath that Taekwoon can't here.

"You what?"

"I — " Sanghyuk swallows hard and repeats, "I thought maybe you'd heard him with his hookups or something."

Taekwoon stares at nothing. "Shit," he whispers. "You're right. Fuck, I didn't even think about that, I tried to block it out of my memory — "

"So you _do_ know," Sanghyuk says eagerly, leaning forward. "Did they sound more like — like he was getting fucked or like he was doing the — "

Taekwoon grimaces and waves his hands wildly at Sanghyuk. "No," he says. "No, no, _no,_ stop, we are _not_ talking about this."

Sanghyuk visibly deflates, his shoulders sinking in disappointment. "Why not?" he whines.

"If you really need to know so badly, ask Hakyeon," Taekwoon says firmly.

Sanghyuk shifts awkwardly, fidgeting with his fingers. "Do you — " he blushes. "Do you have to have gay sex to know you're gay?"

Well, at least that Taekwoon can answer. "No, you don't. It's not...no."

Sanghyuk stares at his hands for a bit longer before asking quietly, "Can you know before you've even...kissed a boy?"

Taekwoon snorts. "Yeah. Definitely."

Silence falls over them for a moment, Taekwoon tapping his socked feet against the couch cushions and Sanghyuk picking at his fingernails.

"Do you think Jaehwan would know?" Sanghyuk asks abruptly.

The sudden mention of Jaehwan rattles Taekwoon more than he wants to admit. "Know what?" he demands.

"About Hakyeon." Sanghyuk looks forlornly at his knees. "I mean, they're both into dudes and they're both kinda slutty."

"You're kind of slutty," Taekwoon points out.

"I know," Sanghyuk says hastily. "I didn't mean that in a bad way, I just thought — you know, they like each other a lot — "

Something ugly twists in Taekwoon's gut, familiar but new at the same time. "That doesn't mean they've... _done_ anything," he says sharply.

"I _know_ that," Sanghyuk says exasperatedly. "I was asking if you thought they might've, possibly. Not definitely."

"I don't think so," Taekwoon says stubbornly. "And I think you should just talk to Hakyeon about this, because he's going to give you better answers than me and more honest answers than Jaehwan."

"You really think so?" Sanghyuk asks, sounding anxious.

"Yeah, I do." Taekwoon looks at him more closely. "Is something up with you?"

"No," Sanghyuk says immediately. "Not at all. Nothing is up."

Taekwoon narrows his eyes. "Yeah, okay."

Sanghyuk blinks innocently back at him. Whatever, Taekwoon decides. If Sanghyuk wants to act all secretive, then he's going to get shitty advice no matter where he goes, and that's not Taekwoon's fault.

Taekwoon stretches his legs out on the couch, kicking Sanghyuk in the shins. "You should go now," he says.

"But — " Sanghyuk tries to protest, but Taekwoon just kicks him harder.

" _Go._ "

"Ugh, _fine,_ " Sanghyuk mutters, standing from the couch reluctantly. He walks to the front door and pulls his shoes back on, but he pauses before walking out the door. "Taekwoon?"

Taekwoon grunts in acknowledgement.

"You — you really think I should just talk to Hakyeon?"

Taekwoon lolls his head back over the arm of the couch to look at Sanghyuk upside-down. "Trust me," he says. "Hakyeon is down to talk about basically anything that he can brag about, and he can definitely brag about at least the number of people he's fucked. You'll be fine."

Sanghyuk sighs. "I guess. I'll see you around."

"Yeah, see you." Taekwoon waits for the sound of the door opening and closing before wiggling down on the couch so he's lying down properly.

His head's been a mess all day, and the conversation with Sanghyuk hasn't helped any. It feels like every time he starts to get his footing, the world throws him another curveball that has him off-balance all over again. He's been trying to push the thoughts away, but now that he's home, he lets them rise to the forefront of his mind.

Jaehwan. Taekwoon sighs and rubs his hands over his face.

He thought he'd made peace with their whole nighttime conversation over the weekend, but then he got to rehearsal and Jaehwan hadn't remembered anything and had swept it under the rug, and Taekwoon can't even figure out _why_ he's so disappointed about that —

For the same reason he’d been upset about the idea of Hakyeon and Jaehwan sleeping together, he thinks, but he shies away from the thought. He’s never liked the thought of them being together like _that,_ he tells himself stubbornly. It’s nothing new.

It feels different, though. It feels less like the protectiveness of a best friend, the desire to cling to what he sees as his, and more like...an ache, a longing. He hasn’t felt it since —

Taekwoon suddenly sits straight up on the couch, heart pounding.

The last time he felt this was when he’d been infatuated with Hakyeon during freshman year. But this time, it’s not about Hakyeon.

Taekwoon buries his face in his hands. “How the fuck did this happen?” he asks the empty room in despair.

He doesn’t — well, he _didn’t_ like Jaehwan, but obviously something’s changed. Taekwoon can’t pinpoint when, though. His first thought is the night when Jaehwan had stayed in his bed, but when he thinks back on that night, he realizes there had already been some softness there to even let Jaehwan into his room. So what before that had started to break down the walls?

Maybe it was the apology Jaehwan had given him after the whole frat party incident. The fact that he’d come to the apartment just to admit he’d fucked up isn’t lost on Taekwoon. And Taekwoon had felt like such a fucking idiot after the party too, for running off and making a scene and causing all his friends to worry, but — then Jaehwan had shown up and he hadn’t treated Taekwoon like a dramatic baby —

But why does that matter? Taekwoon asks himself. Jaehwan is still an asshole. He’s _been_ an asshole.

But...Jaehwan is trying. And Taekwoon doesn’t know Jaehwan’s whole story, he only knows bits and pieces and he’s only seen how Jaehwan has changed during the semester, but he thinks he might not mind learning Jaehwan’s story. He might not mind seeing how much Jaehwan can grow in the future. Hell, he might _want_ to see how Jaehwan can grow.

He rubs the heels of his hands into his eyes and groans out loud. Fuck, this isn’t what he’d anticipated at all. Stupid Jaehwan and his stupid charms and his stupid smile and his stupid _body —_

Taekwoon rolls over on his side to glare moodily at the wall. Even if Jaehwan has to make him feel things he doesn’t want to, why does he have to be attractive on top of all of it? He’d thought he had it bad his freshman year when Hakyeon would sometimes walk around without a shirt on, but this — shirtlessness _plus_ knowing what Jaehwan’s lips feel like on his? It’s too much to be borne, if you ask Taekwoon. He doesn’t know what he did in a past life to deserve this.

His brain pushes another memory to the fore, one he’d been trying to shove away over and over again, but now it washes over him. Of course, not only does he know what it’s like to kiss Jaehwan, he knows what it’s like to have Jaehwan behind him, in front of him, dancing up _on_ him, close and warm and right up in Taekwoon’s space —

Taekwoon frowns at the wall. Maybe if he stares hard enough at the boring white paint, his dick will stop getting hard at the memory of Jaehwan’s thigh between his legs.

And then his brain supplies the memory of how Jaehwan had smelled when they’d danced, the intoxicating, boyish mixture of deodorant and fresh sweat and Taekwoon realizes that’s what he’d smell if Jaehwan — if they —

Taekwoon grabs a pillow that’s fallen onto the floor, holds it over his face, and screams into it. He screams _fuck you, Lee Jaehwan_ and _fuck you, boner_ and a long string of obscenities that doesn’t really have any meaning and also doesn’t really make him feel any better. When he’s done, he throws the pillow to the side and glares at the ceiling. His brain is still buzzing with thoughts of Jaehwan and his dick is still getting hard.

He looks down at his crotch and frowns. “Stop that,” he tells it.

His body doesn’t listen to him.

He tries to ignore it and roll over onto his side, but it makes his erection shift inside his jeans and he bites his lip. He can take a cold shower. Or he can….

No, Taekwoon tells himself firmly, standing up and hobbling to the bathroom, trying to avoid friction against his cock as much as he can. Cold shower it is.

He strips off his clothes, turns the shower knob as cold as he can, and then forces himself to stand under the freezing spray.

It’s at this point that Taekwoon remembers how much he fucking _hates_ the cold. He curses, his whole body already breaking out in goosebumps and _god,_ he doesn’t even think he can stand up straight because his body just wants to curl in on itself —

He fumbles for the shower knob, turning it to a more human temperature before he can even think about resisting. As the water slowly warms, he stands beneath it, rubbing his arms frantically and waiting for his body to stop shivering.

Well, he thinks, the cold shower is a bust.

He looks down between his legs and sighs. Apparently his boner is more resilient than he is. This is unscientific and Taekwoon hates it.

He shampoos and conditions his hair and washes his face and his body and tries to ignore the fact that his dick is _still_ demanding attention. He counts the tiles on the walls of the shower and then counts them again. He looks up at the ceiling and tries to find patterns in the water damage from the floor above. He tries staring at his erection and telling it very firmly, _no,_ but apparently this is one of those super boners from hell that refuses to be ignored.

Taekwoon sighs. Jaehwan just has to make his life difficult in every possible way, doesn’t he?

When he finally reaches down to take himself in his hand, he’s cursing Jaehwan the entire time. Fuck Jaehwan, he thinks thumbs at the tip of his cock, spreading soap over the head. Fuck Jaehwan’s stupid pretty face — he slowly pumps his cock once in his hand, pulling the foreskin back and exposing the sensitive head — especially his stupid pretty eyes and his stupid pretty mouth.

_God,_ Jaehwan’s mouth.

Taekwoon has never given or received a blowjob — for fuck’s sake, he’s never even touched a dick that isn’t his own — but in his inexpert opinion, Jaehwan has the kind of mouth that was made to suck cock. His lips are soft, and Taekwoon _knows_ that from kissing them, has felt how plush they are, how they give underneath his own. The idea of slipping his cock between them, sinking into the velvety warmth of Jaehwan’s mouth is enough to make Taekwoon bite his lip to stop himself from whimpering.

He starts stroking himself properly, all the way from the base to the tip. He wonders if Jaehwan’s mouth could fit all of it. He imagines Jaehwan on his knees in front of him, right in this shower, winking up at him cheekily before swallowing his cock down, the slick noises of Taekwoon’s cock in his mouth lost in the patter of the shower water.

And god, if they were in the shower together, that means he could see all of Jaehwan. It makes him groan at the thought, bracing his forearm against the wall so he can rest his forehead on it as he starts fucking his fist. Jaehwan on his knees, water trailing down his soft smooth skin, over that body that Taekwoon has seen and touched and wants _more_ of.

He gets lost in the images flickering through his mind, his hips thrusting faster as he thinks of Jaehwan looking up at him, those pretty eyes wide and tearing up, beads of shower water clinging to his lashes and making it look like he’s almost crying — and further down, his gorgeous long neck, his lightly muscled torso and arms, his tiny tapered waist and his narrow hips and — fuck, would he get hard just from sucking cock? Taekwoon hopes desperately that Jaehwan would. He wants Jaehwan to get off too, wants to watch him fuck his mouth down onto Taekwoon’s cock while he plays with himself. He wants Jaehwan to come all over himself with Taekwoon’s cock buried deep in his mouth, he wants to hear Jaehwan moan around him, wants to _feel_ it —

Taekwoon comes with a choked gasp, his cock twitching in his hand. He can’t remember the last time he came that hard, and once the tension seeps out of his body, he feels more relaxed than he has in a long time. He isn’t sure if it’s because he’s finally started sorting some of his thoughts out or because of the much-needed orgasm, but either way he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

He pushes off from the wall and opens his eyes only to grimace.

And now he has to clean his come off the shower tile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm spicie


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehwan is not the kind of person who does well solo. Especially when his brain is trying to tie itself in knots and he just needs to ask someone what the fuck he's supposed to _do._

Jaehwan is not particularly happy with the way things are going right now. After falling asleep in Taekwoon's bed, he's been doing the best he can to avoid Taekwoon outside of rehearsal. The problem is, all of Jaehwan's friends are Taekwoon's friends too, and Jaehwan can't risk even the chance of Taekwoon showing up or tagging along, so now Jaehwan is solo all the damn time.

Jaehwan is not the kind of person who does well solo. Especially when his brain is trying to tie itself in knots and he just needs to ask someone what the fuck he's supposed to _do._

When he tells Taekwoon at rehearsal that he blacked out, it's not a lie. Or at least not a full one. He really doesn't remember the end of the night. All he has are vague memories of lying in Taekwoon's bed, hearing Taekwoon's laugh, holding Taekwoon in his arms and falling asleep on his shoulder. He doesn't remember what he did, but he does remember the way he'd wanted to turn into Taekwoon's warmth, the way he hadn't felt... _bad_ telling Taekwoon about himself.

He has to fight the urge to slap himself in the face every time he thinks about it. Good fucking going, just starting to not be a total dickwad to a guy and then word vomiting all over him about fucked up parenting.

Well. He's assuming that's what he did, anyway. He isn't entirely sure and it scares the shit out of him.

Because he doesn't remember what exactly was said or done, but he does remember the way he felt -- the affection, the closeness, the peculiar lightness that comes only when the weight of twenty years of bullshit is shared with someone else. Before that night, Jaehwan didn't realize he could feel that way with anyone here, least of all with Taekwoon.

He has no fucking idea what to do now.

So here he is. Avoiding his friends, washing down a protein bar with a beer for his first meal of the day at two in the afternoon, and pulling faces at his reflection in the grimy little window next to his couch.

His phone buzzes with a text and he looks down at it, half expecting it to be Hakyeon messaging him passive aggressively about not showing up to their standing afternoon library study date.

Instead, it's from Sanghyuk.

 **rugrat**  
hey can we talk?

 **jaehwan**  
this isn't talkin enough for u

 **rugrat**  
i feel like it's easier in person though?

 **jaehwan**  
sorry kiddo i actually have the plague and can't meet anyone irl rn

 **rugrat**  
i literally saw you at rehearsal yesterday

 **jaehwan**  
a fast acting fucker, the plague  
my limbs are falling off  
i'm in agony

 **rugrat**  
your typing is fine though

 **jaehwan**  
i'm talking about other more vital body parts

 **rugrat**  
than your hands???

 **jaehwan**  
my monster schlong for one

 **rugrat**  
first of all, no thanks  
second of all, speaking of schlongs

 **jaehwan**  
i don't want to see ur dick pics

 **rugrat**  
i have a question for you  
wTF I'M NOT SENDING YOU DICK PICS  
**jaehwan**  
"speaking of schlongs"  
what else am i supposed to think

 **rugrat**  
i was just going to ask you about liking dudes

 **jaehwan**  
oh rly  
eyes emoji  
which boy is giving u the gay panic my child

 **rugrat**  
i never said i was having a gay panic  
maybe i'm asking for my friend

 **jaehwan**  
just like i’m buying food for two when i order delivery  
i get u hyogi

 **rugrat**  
yeah whatever  
anyway  
someone said you were bi  
so  
what's up with that

 **jaehwan**  
uh  
it's kind of what it says on the tin

 **rugrat**  
okay but how are you sure?

 **jaehwan**  
this might sound stupid but who gives a shit if ur sure

 **rugrat**  
what????

 **jaehwan**  
labels are cool when u gotta fight ppl or try to make them understand  
but like  
ppl change a lot u know  
and if u rly genuinely like a dude? and ur brain and ur body are screaming at u to go for it???  
fuckin do it my guy

 **rugrat**  
you make it sound way easier than it actually is

 **jaehwan**  
nah  
i mean don't get me wrong, it's scary af  
but when u actually just  
make it happen  
it's scary but it isn't as hard as u think it'll be  
that's my experience anyway  
hello?  
sanghyuk?  
**rugrat**  
so my friend should just take a chance and tell the guy?

 **jaehwan**  
well that's what i'd do anyway  
**rugrat**  
okay  
i appreciate it  
idk what my friend would've done without your help

 **jaehwan**  
yeah  
u know ur friend can talk to me about shit whenever, right?

 **rugrat**  
i'll make sure he knows  
thanks jaehwan

 **jaehwan**  
sure thing kid

Once the conversation is over, Jaehwan scrolls back up through his old messages with Sanghyuk. Fuck, he misses people more than he thought he would. He misses dropping by Hakyeon’s apartment or Sanghyuk’s dorm, he misses eating and studying with his friends, he misses just feeling _close_ to people. At his old school, he hadn’t gotten this attached to anyone, but here — things have been different here. Things have been difficult in a different way.

But this is the way it has to be, he tells himself. He has to avoid letting the whole Taekwoon situation blow up in his face because he can’t do it all over again. He can’t leave behind this place that’s starting to feel like home, he can’t let his stupid, _impulsive_ heart lead him astray and force him to pull up his roots and start fresh somewhere else. Not again.

It’s not that difficult, really, if he doesn’t think about it too hard. If he stays within the four walls of his apartment and distracts himself, then he’s fine. The stockpile of alcohol he’s built up over the semester is particularly helpful with that.

Then the only time he has to remember what a fucking disaster he is is when he’s at rehearsal, and he can handle that. He can be someone else there, everyone is someone else there and Jaehwan doesn’t have to worry about how to behave around them. Everything is scripted and everything is _fine._

Rehearsal, Jaehwan thinks to himself, is really his only reprieve.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next time Jaehwan goes to rehearsal, he eats his words. Apparently, his friends — or acquaintances or classmates or whatever Jaehwan should technically classify them as, he’s not sure at this point because his life is a fucking _mess_ and there’s a snide, cruel voice in his head that says he doesn’t _deserve_ friends — have noticed that Jaehwan has pretty much disappeared from their lives.

 

Still, he thought that even if they noticed, they'd be angry at him. They'd demand to know where the hell he's been, what he's been doing, why he's such a _shit_ friend, because that's what Jaehwan's been asking himself.

Instead, when he walks into rehearsal, Hakyeon immediately takes his arm and says quietly, "Is everything okay with you?"

"Huh?" Jaehwan tries to look completely innocent. "Yeah, everything's chill. Why?"

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow at him. "I haven't seen you outside of rehearsal since you passed out in my apartment."

Jaehwan winces and runs a hand through his hair self-consciously. "Yeah — about that, Hakyeon, I'm really fuckin' sorry — "

"That's not what I'm worried about," Hakyeon interrupts. There are bags under his eyes, Jaehwan notices. He looks worn out, stressed, and Jaehwan feels a pang of guilt in his chest. "Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I'm not — "

"Do _not_ lie to me, Lee Jaehwan," Hakyeon says lowly. "Tell me the truth."

Jaehwan shrinks in on himself. He should've known this would happen, but that doesn't mean he has any idea what he should do. "Hakyeon, seriously, just — it's nothing, okay?"

Hakyeon's face falls and Jaehwan is immediately filled with regret. "I thought you trusted me," Hakyeon says quietly, sounding wounded.

"I — I trust you just as much as I trust anyone," Jaehwan replies.

Hakyeon laughs humorlessly, more a sharp exhale than anything. "I meant that I thought — I thought you were getting better. About things."

"I _am_ getting better," Jaehwan says desperately. "Seriously, I — I'm better at like, knowing when I've done something wrong and apologizing for it, and I talk to people, like _actually_ talk to them about stuff — "

"Then why won't you talk to me?" Hakyeon demands. "I'm your friend, I want to _help_ you — "

"Just give me some space to _think,_ then," Jaehwan says exasperatedly. "I'm — fuck, Hakyeon, I don't know what I'm doing — "

Hakyeon scoffs. "Then just let me — "

"Hey." A hand lands on Hakyeon's shoulder and Jaehwan looks up to see Sanghyuk. "Guys, it's time for rehearsal to start. Hakyeon, come on, let him get ready."

"But we're talking — " Hakyeon starts.

"Talk later," Sanghyuk interrupts. Gratitude washes over Jaehwan as Sanghyuk takes Hakyeon by the arm and guides him away, letting Jaehwan relax again before he has to focus.

He tenses right back up again when Sanghyuk says quietly, “We missed you.”

Jaehwan waits for more, waits for a lecture or shaming, but Sanghyuk just sighs and walks away toward Wonsik, who’s fiddling with the lights.

This is normal, Jaehwan thinks as they start rehearsal. He’s still playing Peter, everyone around him is in character;, this is familiar and Jaehwan doesn’t have to be Jaehwan for a while which is a fucking relief.

The scene they’re running feels even more charged than usual. It’s one of Jaehwan’s favorites, melodically, and it’s always a bonus to see an angry Taekwoon — an angry Jason, he corrects himself. It’s fun to play at anger like this. It’s someone else’s anger that he’s acting out, and it scares him less than his own.

Taekwoon is singing at him, his voice silvery and strong, the tendons in his neck straining slightly in a way that should make Jaehwan worry for his throat. Instead, all it does is make Jaehwan stare distractedly at Taekwoon’s throat, watching how it works as he sings. He almost forgets to sing his own lines in response, and that _really_ won’t do. Can’t let the general populace know that Lee Jaehwan experiences emotions beyond chipper and horny.

Then comes the scene that Jaehwan has been dreading — Taekwoon is about to shove him down on the floor. Of course it won’t be real, just real-looking enough that the audience will buy it. But right now, Jaehwan isn’t sure what to expect from Taekwoon. He’s been pretty obviously avoiding him, and that’s after he’s been a jackass to Taekwoon since they met. Sure, Jaehwan is trying to get better, but that doesn’t mean he’s actually good enough.

The moment comes, the song building to a crescendo, and then Taekwoon’s hands are on his chest, pushing him back and off his feet. As Jaehwan hits the floor, he realizes that Taekwoon was practically soft with him. Hell, if Jaehwan hadn’t planned his fall backward, he would’ve easily been able to stay on his feet.

Jaehwan is grateful that his character’s next lines are sung in a soft voice. He feels weirdly shaken, and he swears he can feel the warm press of Taekwoon’s hands through his shirt even when they aren’t touching anymore.

Once they close out the scene, Taekwoon hovers by Jaehwan awkwardly as Hakyeon talks about the sound mixing with Wonsik. He seems unsure of whether he should speak to Jaehwan when he’s been so obviously trying to avoid him.

Jaehwan takes a deep breath and then takes the plunge. “I bet you’ve been waiting to do that for a while,” he jokes.

Taekwoon blinks, looking surprised that Jaehwan has started the conversation. “Do what?”

“Y’know.” Jaehwan mimics the shove accompanied by a cheesy whistle to try to make Taekwoon laugh. He doesn’t get a laugh, but he does get a snort, which is better than nothing. “Shoving me down on the ground.”

“I — I wasn’t,” Taekwoon admits, voice soft. “Looking forward to pushing you, that is.”

Jaehwan presses his hand to his chest in a mocking display of shock. “Oh, really? Taekwoon, I had no idea of this development, how could you not tell me?”

Taekwoon rolls his eyes, the corners of his mouth quirking up in a small smile. “I didn’t realize I needed to spell it out for you.”

Jaehwan blinks, speechless for once in his life. “I mean,” he says weakly, “sorry I’m kinda stupid, I’m doing my best.”

Taekwoon shrugs. “Yeah, I know.”

Jaehwan flounders for words, but before he can answer, Hakyeon is calling for their attention. He barely hears Hakyeon’s instructions, still thinking about Taekwoon’s words. What the hell had they meant? What was he supposed to have picked up on from Taekwoon? Why is Jung Taekwoon of all people, who is also slightly dumb and emotionally immature, one step ahead of him? What the _fuck?_

Everyone around him is moving and Jaehwan realizes they’re changing scenes, skipping forward to run another duet between them while they’re both warmed up and ready. It’s such a stark contrast to the duet they just sang. Instead of anger and confrontation, there’s desperation, longing, and Jaehwan doesn’t know if he really wants to play at these emotions right now.

When Taekwoon looks at him tenderly like that, it feels real. Jaehwan wonders if anyone’s ever actually looked at him like that when it wasn’t scripted. He thinks he can feel something in his chest slowly rending apart, aching for — _something,_ he doesn’t know what.

All he knows is that when Taekwoon steps closer to him and wraps him in a tight hug, it feels like the most natural thing in the world to let his arms come up around Taekwoon’s waist and cling to him so tightly his fingers are twisted in the fabric of Taekwoon’s shirt.

All he knows is that when Taekwoon turns his face toward him, when their lips meet (not for the first time, no, this is familiar territory, this is _nothing new_ so what the hell is going on in Jaehwan’s head?), he lets his eyes flutter shut and he tips his head back and just...lets Taekwoon hold him, kiss him softly. He clutches at the front of Taekwoon’s shirt, feeling small and surrounded and warm all the way through his chest, even as that strange inexplicable pain keeps aching inside him.

It’s for the part, he tells himself. Of course it’s soft and passionate. It’s their last kiss, their final goodbye. What kind of actors would they be if they didn’t portray that?

He thinks his reasoning is fairly logical. Hell, he believes it, or at least he wants to believe it, which should be the only thing that matters.

But still, no matter how he tries to rationalize it, when Taekwoon pulls back and holds Jaehwan’s face in his hands, Jaehwan has to fight down the instinct to lean back in and kiss him.

_It’s just the character, Jaehwan, nothing else._

But when Taekwoon looks down at him and sings, “Please know I loved you,” Jaehwan feels it in his chest; whatever has been falling apart inside of him has crumbled, torn, and Jaehwan is left picking through the rubble for answers.

As their voices intertwine in a delicate harmony for the final line of the song, Jaehwan lets himself look up into Taekwoon’s eyes, ignoring the ache in his chest at it.

Jung Taekwoon, he thinks, what have you done to me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, sorry for the slight decline in update speed. it's been a pretty intense weekend, including having my 21st birthday, spraining my ankle, breaking my (new) computer, and apparently having a sobbing meltdown about everything under the sun that i have no recollection of whatsoever, so. i'm kind of a disaster, but hopefully i will have a replacement computer soon and be able to update quickly again!! i'm also gonna be heading for seoul on 11/20, so i'm not sure yet how that'll affect my writing schedule, but we'll see.
> 
>  
> 
> thank y'all so so much for your lovely comments and messages!! it's really kept me going and gotten me so inspired with this story. i hope you'll continue to like it as i update and get closer to the end <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, Taekwoon," Hakyeon says, walking into Taekwoon's room. "Would you mind doing me a — whoa, there. You doing all right?"
> 
> Taekwoon blinks slowly at the computer and then looks up at Hakyeon forlornly. "Freud would hate me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i personally wouldn't call this dubcon, but there are some bad feelings around sexual activity? please proceed with caution.

Taekwoon stares at his computer. He'd almost finished this essay yesterday, which was a major accomplishment considering it wasn't due until midnight tonight, but now he's reading it over and he's maybe, _possibly_ having a tiny crisis and/or breakdown.

"Hey, Taekwoon," Hakyeon says, walking into Taekwoon's room. "Would you mind doing me a — whoa, there. You doing all right?"

Taekwoon blinks slowly at the computer and then looks up at Hakyeon forlornly. "Freud would hate me."

"I — _what?_ " Hakyeon puts his hands on his hips, his expression morphing from concerned to unimpressed. "Where does Freud come into it?"

Taekwoon gestures at his computer. "I'm writing an essay about this book we read for class," he explains. "But I feel like Freud is making a callout post for me specifically."

Hakyeon snorts. "Yeah, that's because Freud works in vague bullshit so everyone feels like that."

"What do you mean?" Taekwoon asks, confused.

"I mean, no matter what your symptoms are, psychoanalysis is going to be like, 'Oh, you want to fuck your mom!' And if you try to say, 'No, actually, I don't want to fuck my mom, I like dudes,' then they'll be like, 'But it's because you _wanted_ to fuck your mom,' or some bullshit." Hakyeon sighs. "It's like...horoscopes, you know? They cast a wide net and then gaslight the fuck out of you until you believe it."

Taekwoon frowns. "I don't think horoscopes gaslight people."

Hakyeon waves his hand dismissively. "No, but Freud did, okay? Which is what I'm really talking about."

"I — okay," Taekwoon says and then pauses for a second. "Wait, what?"

Hakyeon sighs. "Okay, which piece of excrement are you reading?"

"Uh. Dora, I think?" Taekwoon slaps around on his comforter until he hits the book hiding in the fluff. "Yeah, Dora: An Analysis of a Case of Hysteria.”

“Ugh.” Hakyeon’s nose wrinkles in disgust. “ _Hysteria._ That’s already a sign not to trust anything he says.”

“Why?”

“I mean, come on.” Hakyeon snatches the book out of Taekwoon’s hand and holds it between a thumb and forefinger as if he’s handling something toxic. “Any guy who creates a whole case study around the idea that women can’t handle shit that men can is a dick who shouldn’t be trusted with emotions.”

Taekwoon looks down at his paper. “I...think that’s what I wrote.”

Hakyeon arches an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”

Taekwoon waves his hands vaguely at his computer. “It’s — you know, I just kinda flip back and forth between the reading and my notes and try to put stuff together that sounds kind of smart.”

Hakyeon takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. It reminds Taekwoon of his father the time that he’d accidentally kicked a ball through their television screen.

“Okay, so what’s the hold up on you writing this essay?” Hakyeon asks. “If you’re not even really picking up the material, why are you freaking out and trying to psychoanalyze yourself?”

“I mean — ” Taekwoon shifts awkwardly on his bed, looking down at his crossed legs. “I don’t know. I’m just scared that I’m — you know the whole superego, ego, id thing?”

“Vaguely.”

“I mean, I feel like I try to act all superego, you know? Like I get fixated on this idea of I _should_ do this or I _should_ feel this way.”

“Yeah.” Hakyeon shrugs. “That’s not abnormal, though. Everyone feels like that, and it sucks but it doesn’t make you a bad person or anything.”

“But what if it’s all fake?” Taekwoon asks quietly. “What if I’m really just some — some fucking id gremlin?”

“Id gremlin,” Hakyeon repeats, sounding amused. “You mean you think you’re ruled by your impulses?”

Taekwoon nods pitifully.

“Honestly, Taekwoon,” Hakyeon says, “I think your life would be simpler if you were a little more of an id gremlin.”

Taekwoon opens his mouth and then closes it again, dumbfounded. He blinks a few times and tries to process what exactly Hakyeon has just said to him. When it still doesn’t really make sense, he pouts at Hakyeon, as if it’s his fault that Taekwoon doesn’t get it. “What?”

“I mean, I don’t believe in the whole Freud schtick, but maybe you should, you know, actually acknowledge your feelings instead of bottling them up.” Hakyeon sighs. “Don’t repress them or whatever.”

“I — I don’t _repress_ my feelings,” Taekwoon says indignantly.

Hakyeon snorts. “Don’t even try that with me, Taekwoon. You can do it with Sanghyuk, you can do it with Jaehwan, but don’t go there when you’re talking to me.”

Taekwoon deflates. “But I don’t want to be — ” He flaps his hands around to try to express what he’s thinking. “You know.”

“A mess?” Hakyeon asks. Taekwoon nods minutely and Hakyeon sighs. “Listen, actually talking your shit out doesn’t make you weak or messy or...any of those other things, at least as long as you do it in a healthy way. You want to know what does actually fuck you up? Bottling up your emotions and letting them control you even when you’re completely in denial.”

Taekwoon rocks back slightly from the intensity of Hakyeon’s voice. “I, uh — you thinking about anyone in particular there?”

“What do you think?” Hakyeon asks darkly. “Don’t be a Jaehwan, Taekwoon.”

“Isn’t he getting better, though?” Taekwoon offers.

Hakyeon sighs. “I never really know with him. He’s...tough to read. And recovery is difficult to measure. It’s got so many ups and downs and sometimes huge relapses, so you just kind of have to...roll with the punches, I guess.”

Taekwoon sits silently on the bed, plucking at a loose string on the comforter. “I think he’s getting better,” he says quietly.

Hakyeon tilts his head questioningly. “Oh, really?”

“I mean, obviously he’s still kind of a jackass,” Taekwoon clarifies hastily. “But...I don’t know, we talked last weekend and things seemed kind of...okay?”

“And then he took a nosedive and avoided everyone after that,” Hakyeon says drily. “Wonderful improvement.”

“But we — we _talked_ at the party,” Taekwoon insists.

“About what?” Hakyeon asks.

“Just — stuff,” Taekwoon says evasively. “I mean, he talked about being fucked up and stuff. And also drag queens? And — ” Taekwoon coughs awkwardly and mutters, “And I told him I’m a virgin.”

Hakyeon stares at Taekwoon. “You — he really talked about all that with you?”

“Yeah.” Taekwoon shrugs. “I mean, he said he didn’t remember it at rehearsal, but it still felt...big, you know? Important.”

Hakyeon hums distractedly. “That’s...new, for sure. He just told you all that stuff?”

Taekwoon nods.

“Well.” Hakyeon chuckles. “I’ll be damned. Maybe he is getting better.”

Taekwoon perks up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Hakyeon steps closer to the bed and ruffles Taekwoon’s hair fondly. “I don’t know what you’ve been doing, Taekwoon, but keep doing it, I guess.”

Taekwoon feels a small burst of pride in his chest. It’s like all the negative emotion from the morning after — all the times he told himself that he wasn’t anything special, he hadn’t _done_ anything special for Jaehwan — are swept away by Hakyeon’s acceptance. Clearly, if Hakyeon thinks he’s doing something right, then he must be.

“Hey, whenever you finish that paper, come out to the front room, okay?” Hakyeon says over his shoulder as he heads for the door. “I have a favor to ask you.”

“I — okay.” Taekwoon looks back at his computer, suddenly feeling lighter. He feels like he could climb a mountain or lift a car.

But first, he has to finish this paper.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“You want me to do what?” Taekwoon asks.

Hakyeon looks up from his notes. “I want you to run Jaehwan’s notebook to his place.”

“But that’s so far off campus,” Taekwoon whines.

Hakyeon snorts. “The walk will be good for you.”

“Why don’t you do it?”

“Because I have a _test_ to study for, I told you.” Hakyeon gestures at the notes spread out in front of him. “You think these are just going to jump into my head? Besides, it’d be nice to have you out of the apartment instead of singing R &B loudly in the next room over while I’m trying to cram.”

“What if I have homework too?” Taekwoon asks stubbornly.

“You don’t,” Hakyeon says, turning back to his notes and highlighting something in green. “You already told me you were free for the night. Shouldn’t you be happy about this, anyway?”

“Why would I be happy about it?”

“I’m giving you an excuse to go see Jaehwan.” Hakyeon looks up at him again and winks. “You can see if he’s doing any _better,_ since you’ve been so worried about him lately.”

Taekwoon flushes. “You’re the one who told me to give him a chance,” he points out. “Shouldn’t you be happy about this?”

“Oh, I am.” Hakyeon grins. “I’m very happy about this, trust me. Because now I can ask you to run an errand for me that involves Jaehwan and you won’t pitch a fit about it.”

“I don’t pitch fits!” Taekwoon whines.

Hakyeon merely raises an eyebrow at him, licks a fingertip, and turns a page of the notebook in front of him. “You know,” he says slowly. “If you don’t take Jaehwan’s notes to him, he won’t be able to study, and then he just might start on a downward spiral again and drown himself in liquor and — ”

“Okay, okay, _god,_ ” Taekwoon grumbles, holding out his hand. “Where’s the notebook?”

Hakyeon beams at him. “It’s over on the sideboard. You’re too kind, darling, really.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Taekwoon mutters, striding over to pick up the notebook. “Since I’m clearly doing it out of the goodness of my heart.”

“I knew I could count on you.”

Taekwoon doesn’t say anything in response, just flips Hakyeon the bird as he walks out the door.

He’s never walked to Jaehwan’s place before, but he’s vaguely aware of the apartment block he lives in. It’s in a shadier part of town, and Taekwoon is glad that he cuts an imposing figure with his height and resting bitch face. He tries very hard to maintain a good balance between _too tough to fuck with_ and _too poor to rob._

When he gets to what he thinks is the right building, he checks it against the address Hakyeon had texted him. It’s right, he thinks. Unfortunately. It looks like one of those apartment buildings with a back alley known for its cocaine bargains, and Taekwoon isn’t in love with the idea of going inside.

But he told Hakyeon he would, so he sighs and walks in, heading for the elevator to take him to Jaehwan’s floor.

When Jaehwan opens the door, the first thing that hits Taekwoon is the smell. It takes him a second to realize it’s coming from Jaehwan, who’s clearly (in what seems to be the norm nowadays) plastered.

He blinks blearily at Taekwoon before his eyes widen almost comically. “Taekwoonie?”

Taekwoon tries to ignore how his heart squeezes a bit at the pet name. “Yeah, hey, uh. You left your notebook at our place, so Hakyeon told me to bring it to you.”

Jaehwan pulls the door open all the way and waves his arm. “You walked all this way,” he says, somber if a little bit slurred. “The least I can do is offer you a drink.”

Taekwoon wants to say that he hesitates, but his feet are carrying him inside without a second thought. Well, he thinks, maybe he’s more cut out to be an id gremlin than he’d thought.

“So, what do you want?” Jaehwan asks, closing the door and sauntering up to stand next to Taekwoon. “We’ve got vodka, rum, some whiskey...wait shit, is this water or vodka?”

Taekwoon watches as Jaehwan takes the lid off a plastic water bottle and takes a whiff and immediately sneezes.

“Oh, yeah,” he says, voice cracking. “That’s everclear.”

“Is that even legal?” Taekwoon asks, slightly scandalized.

Jaehwan shrugs. “Probably. Anyway, so what do you want?”

“Uh. Whiskey, I guess.”

As Jaehwan busies himself finding a clean glass, Taekwoon takes the chance to look around the apartment. It’s small, he notes, just a studio apartment with a sofa in an uncomfortable shade of green and one window. There’s a door to one side that he assumes leads to the bathroom, and a tiny little kitchenette that Jaehwan is puttering about in now. The whole room is dim, and Taekwoon realizes the only light in the apartment is coming from two mismatched floor lamps spaced out for maximum efficiency.

Jaehwan reappears at his side, proffering a slightly warped stemless wine glass full of whiskey to him. “Sorry about the shape,” he explains. “It’s made out of plastic and I accidentally left it on top of the toaster oven, but it’s still a good cup.”

Taekwoon can feel a laugh starting in his chest, and even though his automatic instinct is to clamp down on it and hide his face, he remembers what Hakyeon said — _don’t repress your feelings_ — and he figures, well. It’s not like it’s going to hurt to laugh at Jaehwan being a bit of an idiot.

So he lets himself giggle, raising the misshapen glass in a toast. “Cheers,” he says with a smile on his face, and Jaehwan smiles back and clinks the lip of his cup against Taekwoon’s. It reminds Taekwoon of the night where Jaehwan had stayed in his bed, softer around the edges and less intimidating. Fortunately, he seems to be more coherent this time around, and it makes Taekwoon feel like they’re on more level ground. It feels nice.

“You wanna take a seat?” Jaehwan gestures toward the slightly repulsive couch. “I know it kinda looks like barf, but I promise it’s clean.”

Taekwoon nods. “I figure if you didn’t puke on me last weekend, you probably are pretty good about not doing it in general.” Jaehwan freezes when Taekwoon mentions the party, so Taekwoon nudges Jaehwan’s shoulder with his. “I’m just teasing you.”

Jaehwan pouts, walking over to the couch to throw himself down on it dramatically. “I invite you into my home and _this_ is the treatment I’m given,” he complains.

Taekwoon snickers into his drink, taking a seat by Jaehwan. He ignores how their knees touch, how Jaehwan always feels so warm even through clothing. “You deserve to be teased a little,” Taekwoon says. “If you dish it, you have to be able to take it.”

“Ugh, _god,_ ” Jaehwan whines. “Why can’t you just let me exist in peaceful hypocrisy?”

Taekwoon laughs at that, and Jaehwan smiles up at him in response, looking pleased.

“You have a good laugh,” Jaehwan tells him. “It’s kind of louder than your normal talking voice and I like it.”

Taekwoon ducks his head down, not sure how to field a compliment from Jaehwan. “I don’t want to be obnoxious or anything — ”

“No! No, no, that’s not it,” Jaehwan says immediately. “Also, trust me, I know obnoxious. I’m the fucking _king_ of obnoxious. So you’re fine.”

Taekwoon lets himself meet Jaehwan’s eyes again. “You are,” he agrees.

“Wow, rude,” Jaehwan squawks. “You’re supposed to tell me, ‘Oh no, Jaehwan, you’re such a kind soul, you’re a delight to be around — ‘”

“I mean, that doesn’t mean you’re not obnoxious,” Taekwoon points out.

“You wound me, Taekwoonie,” Jaehwan says, throwing his hand over his face and swooning back on the couch, his legs flying up in the air and almost nailing Taekwoon in the chin. “How am I supposed to go on now that I know what you really think of me?”

“You survived just fine before this,” Taekwoon points out. “And I was way more of a dick to you before.”

“True,” Jaehwan says with a nod. “I was also a flaming douchecanoe to you, so. Apologies for that.”

“And now look at us, talking all civilly.” Taekwoon sips his whiskey, feeling the warmth slip down his throat. “Hakyeon would be thrilled.”

“Maybe he’ll throw another party where I can get blackout drunk and make questionable decisions,” Jaehwan says.

Taekwoon snorts into his drink. “Yeah, if he lets us in the apartment.”

Jaehwan frowns. “But why?”

“Because he has a _test_ or something,” Taekwoon says petulantly. “So I, his best friend, get kicked out of the apartment, out into the _street,_ just because of some school nonsense.”

“It isn’t right,” Jaehwan agrees with a nod. “I mean, if he was getting his dick wet, that’s one thing, but a test? Hakyeon, come the fuck on.”

“Ugh, even if he’s getting his dick wet I can just put in headphones,” Taekwoon grumbles. “It’s not like we share a bedroom.” Jaehwan laughs and Taekwoon squints at him. “What’s so funny?”

“You know, when I first got here, I thought you and Hakyeon were, you know, an item.” Jaehwan leans back, letting his head fall against the back of the couch. “With the way y’all acted, and then every around y’all called you married or whatever, can you really blame me?”

Taekwon flushes. “Me from freshman year would die if I heard you say that.”

“Oh, really?” Jaehwan waggles his brows at Taekwoon, leaning in with a mischievous look. “Did baby Taekwoonie have a big fat crush on Hakyeon?”

“Shut up,” Taekwoon whines, batting his hands at Jaehwan’s shoulders. “It’s all in the past, all right? Now it’d be like — like dating my _brother._ ”

“Scandalous,” Jaehwan comments. “So Hakyeon doesn’t make your little heartstrings sing anymore?”

“I — no,” Taekwoon says, and he realizes it’s true. “Not for a while. I mean, I love him and all, just...not like that.”

Jaehwan’s manner has grown less boisterous, more contemplative, and he regards Taekwoon with questioning eyes. “Hmm.” He takes a slow sip of his drink. “Anyone else caught your eye, then?”

“That’s — that’s not any of your business,” Taekwoon replies, dropping his eyes to stare at the warped cup in his hands.

“Aw, come on, Taekwoonie,” Jaehwan croons, sitting up on his heels and wrapping his arms around Taekwoon’s neck. “Tell Uncle Jaehwan the truth — ”

“Oh, god.” Taekwoon tries to squirm away. “Please never call yourself that again, that’s the worst thing I think I’ve ever heard — ”

“Well, if you weren’t being so _difficult,_ I wouldn’t have to pull out the big guns!” Jaehwan clings more tightly to Taekwoon’s neck, and it reminds him of that night, wrapped up in Jaehwan’s arms in his bed. “C’mon, Taekwoonie, what boys have made your heart go doki doki, hmm?”

Taekwoon makes a terrible mistake then.

He turns his head, looks into Jaehwan’s eyes, and realizes he is absolutely, terribly _fucked._

Jaehwan’s eyes flicker over Taekwoon’s face. “Has there been anyone, Taekwoonie?” he asks, voice soft. Taekwoon gives the tiniest shake of his head and Jaehwan exhales hard. “Was I your first kiss?”

“No,” Taekwoon says. “Before we did that scene, I asked Hakyeon — because no one had ever, you know — ”

“Oh.” Jaehwan looks slightly disappointed. “Well. I guess I don’t blame you, I was kind of a dickwad.”

Taekwoon laughs breathlessly. “You were the first person to ever stick your tongue in my mouth, if that makes you feel better.”

Jaehwan perks up. “That does make me feel better. I was an explorer, boldly going where no man had gone before — ”

“Oh, shut up,” Taekwoon pinches Jaehwan’s side. “Your tongue isn’t the fucking starship Enterprise.”

Jaehwan takes that as his cue to make a truly horrific slurping noise with his mouth at the same time as he raises his eyebrows so high they disappear beneath his bangs. Taekwoon is disgusted, but he can’t stop laughing anyway.

“Stop,” he pleads, shoving his hands over Jaehwan’s mouth and trying to ignore the spit that’s getting all over his palms. “Oh my god, _stop,_ you’re so _gross —_ ”

All that accomplishes is making Jaehwan even more determined to gross Taekwoon out, and he launches himself at Taekwoon tongue first. Taekwoon shrieks, and the two of them go down on the couch in a mess of flailing limbs, Taekwoon screeching and Jaehwan cackling gleefully.

“Here comes the spaceship,” Jaehwan singsongs before leaning down and licking a slimy, slobbery trail up Taekwoon’s cheek.

“ _No!_ ” Taekwoon bucks underneath Jaehwan trying to push him off, but it’s difficult when he’s so breathless with laughter. “Oh my _god,_ I’m gonna _kill_ you — ”

“No, you won’t.” Jaehwan smirks down at him. “You can’t kill my brave, adventurous tongue.”

“Oh, just watch me,” Taekwoon threatens. “Your tongue has done nothing but _hurt me —_ ”

Jaehwan rears back, looking wounded. “I _beg_ your pardon,” he says, affronted. “My tongue is _talented._ He graduated top of his class in the Navy SEALS and — ”

“Oh my god, shut _up,_ ” Taekwoon groans. “Your tongue is a disgrace — ”

“How dare you insult him like this!” Jaehwan gasps. “You have no idea what he’s capable of!”

“I’ve had your tongue in my mouth,” Taekwoon snipes. “I think I know pretty damn well what he’s capable of. Also, why are we calling it a ‘he’? What the hell?”

“He deserves recognition, Taekwoon,” Jaehwan fairly yells into Taekwoon’s face, making him break down into giggles again. “You can’t just judge him by one performance — ”

“Oh, really?” Taekwoon challenges. “Why can’t I?”

“Because — ” Jaehwan blusters. “It’s — he’s — that’s not _fair —_ ”

“Then what would be fair?” Taekwoon asks, teasing.

“Give him a chance to demonstrate his considerable skill,” Jaehwan says. “He will blow you away, you will be a changed man — ”

“Yeah, right,” Taekwoon says with a roll of his eyes. “I doubt it.”

Jaehwan’s eyes are glinting with something Taekwoon can’t quite place and he smiles down at him, looking pretty and dangerous. “I dare you to let me try,” he says silkily, cocking his head to the side.

Taekwoon hears the word “dare” and his mind blanks out. “You _dare_ me?” he asks incredulously. “Oh, it’s fucking on — ”

“Perfect,” Jaehwan breathes before he lowers his face to Taekwoon’s and brings their mouths together.

It doesn’t feel like their kisses during rehearsal. Even the one where Jaehwan had shoved his tongue into Taekwoon’s mouth feels chaste compared to the way Jaehwan is kissing him now. His lips are hot against Taekwoon’s, and he’s always been aware of how soft Jaehwan’s lips are but this — this is _more,_ because Jaehwan is tilting his head just so and the kiss is deep and wet and Taekwoon can’t even think anymore.

This time, when Jaehwan’s tongue flicks out, it’s not overwhelming. It’s soft, teasing against Taekwoon’s mouth, enough to make Taekwoon open his mouth wider and let out a small noise as if to ask Jaehwan for more. Jaehwan obliges, his hand coming up to cup Taekwoon’s jaw, his thumb trailing over the delicate skin of Taekwoon’s throat.

Taekwoon doesn’t even think before wrapping his arms around Jaehwan’s slim waist and pulling him closer, feeling the heat of Jaehwan’s body all along his, the flexing of the muscles in his back under his hands. Jaehwan groans into his mouth, and with a jolt, Taekwoon realises that Jaehwan is straddling him, their hips aligned and _fuck,_ he can feel Jaehwan hard against his leg.

His head is spinning. He’s never had a boy on him like this before — sure, they’d danced at the party, but this was something completely different. Right now, Jaehwan’s weight is seated hot and heavy on Taekwoon’s hips, and his breath is coming in ragged pants against Taekwoon’s mouth, their kissing becoming messy.

Jaehwan pulls back for just a moment, his lips still brushing wetly against Taekwoon’s chin as he asks, “Is that good enough?”

“Shut up,” Taekwoon gasps, winding his hands through Jaehwan’s hair and pulling him back in so hard that their teeth clatter against each other. Jaehwan takes it in stride, moaning and letting his eyes flutter shut as he nips at Taekwoon’s lower lip.

“Taekwoon,” Jaehwan moans, his voice cracking, and _god,_ Taekwoon never thought that hearing someone say his name would make it feel like they’d lit a fire in his gut, would make him twist his fingers in the back of Jaehwan’s shirt and hold him close. He’s grinding up against Jaehwan, he realizes, their hips rocking in a messy rhythm that really shouldn’t feel as good as it does.

He looks up at Jaehwan, and the sight before him feels unreal. Jaehwan is on top of him, his hair falling in his eyes, a faint sheen of sweat on his neck as he works his hips down against Taekwoon’s, his arms shaking with the effort of holding himself up. Taekwoon can feel Jaehwan’s cock hard against him, god, he can feel it _throbbing_ through their pants, can feel the way it pulses whenever Jaehwan lets out a low, strangled moan into Taekwoon’s neck.

“Fuck,” Jaehwan groans through gritted teeth, and of course he’s loud here too. “Fuck, Taekwoon, _jesus —_ ”

Taekwoon whimpers, squirming underneath Jaehwan, trying to press up against him to get more friction. Jaehwan seems to notice what he wants because he holds himself up on his arms and shifts his legs so they each have a thigh between each other’s legs, letting them grind on each other with more contact.

Taekwoon’s thighs squeeze around Jaehwan’s, feeling the muscle there flexing as Jaehwan works his hips, thrusting against him so there’s delicious friction against Taekwoon’s cock still trapped in his jeans —

“God, look at you,” Jaehwan pants incoherently. “Fuck, you’re so — _Taekwoon —_ ”

Taekwoon can’t do anything but moan wordlessly, arching up against Jaehwan and tugging at the back of his shirt. He gets so lost in the sensation, it takes him a moment to realize Jaehwan is asking him something.

“Can I?” Jaehwan is asking, _pleading,_ “please, Taekwoon, can I touch you, please — ”

“Yes,” Taekwoon says, “do it, please.”

Jaehwan’s hand scrabbles at the front of Taekwoon’s pants, cupping his cock. Taekwoon tries not to choke; no one’s ever touched him like this before, no one’s ever held his cock and _squeezed_ it to the rhythm of them thrusting against his hip, and it’s just — it’s so much more sensation than Taekwoon had thought it would be. It’s sloppier and less precise than touching himself, but having Jaehwan there on top of him, his tongue hot in Taekwoon’s mouth and his body hard against Taekwoon’s, seems to make everything exponentially more intense. It feels like every brush against him goes straight to his cock, making heat build in his gut faster than it ever has before.

He’s thrusting up against Jaehwan’s palm as Jaehwan swallows his moans, his pitiful little sounds whenever Jaehwan grinds down against him _just_ right, and by the time he realizes he’s close, he can’t do anything to stop it. He pulls his lips back from Jaehwan’s, panting and cursing and whispering, “Gonna, gonna — _close —_ ”

All it does is make Jaehwan drop down and redouble his efforts, grinding against Taekwoon mercilessly and doing his best to pump Taekwoon through his pants. He mutters filthy words into Taekwoon’s sweat-damp neck that he can’t quite hear, but they send heat spiraling through him all the same. Taekwoon can feel his thighs shaking, his hips jumping, and when Jaehwan gives him a tight squeeze and murmurs, “Come for me,” Taekwoon feels his orgasm rise up and crash over him, his cock pulsing in his jeans and harsh moans spilling from his lips. His hands fall to Jaehwan’s biceps and his fingers curl around them tightly, gripping them as he rides it out, his first time coming with another person.

He half expects Jaehwan to keep grinding against him until he comes, but instead Jaehwan collapses against him, still hard. He winds his arms around Taekwoon’s neck as he pants against him, and Taekwoon realizes that they sound less like they’re from exertion and more from panic.

“Taekwoon,” he’s mumbling. “Taekwoon, Taekwoonie — ”

“Yeah?” Taekwoon asks, petting the hair at the nape of Jaehwan’s neck. Like this, he seems more vulnerable than Taekwoon has ever seen him, and he’s almost scared to hold him too tight in case he shatters apart in Taekwoon’s arms.

“It was good, right?” Jaehwan asks, still hiding his face in Taekwoon’s shoulder.

“Yeah, of course,” Taekwoon replies, confused. “It was really good.”

“Good,” Jaehwan repeats, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself that it’s true. “I did a good job.”

“You did a really good job,” Taekwoon says, starting to get worried. “Jaehwan, it was great — ”

“So, I gave you the right thing,” Jaehwan interrupts, but he sounds like he’s talking to himself more than Taekwoon. “I gave you what you wanted, now you’re not gonna go, you’re not gonna leave — ”

Taekwoon’s heart sinks. “What?”

“I had to make sure,” Jaehwan says desperately.

“What do you mean, you gave me what I wanted?” Taekwoon demands, feeling slightly sick to his stomach. He’d thought — god, he’d thought that Jaehwan felt the same way as him, he’d thought they’d both _wanted_ this. “I didn’t — you didn’t have to do this just to make me happy, Jaehwan.”

“But then why would you come here?” Jaehwan mumbles. “Why would you stay?”

“Because — ” _I care about you,_ Taekwoon almost says, but he can’t — he can’t give Jaehwan that too, not after he’s already given Jaehwan so much. “Not because you — you touched my dick, that’s not _why,_ Jaehwan.”

Jaehwan blinks up at him, looking scared and confused. “I — did I do it wrong?”

“No — you just — ” Taekwoon lets out a frustrated sigh and brings up his hands to cover his face. God, this is a mess. He almost feels like he might cry, and that he really can’t let himself do here. He sits up abruptly, Jaehwan falling off of him and onto the floor. “Jaehwan, that was — that was my first time, you know that — ”

“I tried to make it good,” Jaehwan says pitifully. “I wanted you to feel good — ”

“I did, but now — ” Taekwoon wants to laugh at his own stupidity. “Now I feel like a fucking idiot.”

“No,” Jaehwan says, eyes wide. “That wasn’t — that’s not what was supposed to happen.”

“What was supposed to happen, then?” Taekwoon snaps, panic rising in his chest as he gets to his feet. God, he’s so _stupid._ “You were just going to — to get me off and then everything would be fine? That’s not how people work, Jaehwan.” He’s distantly aware that he’s raising his voice, becoming shrill and painfully loud, but he can’t help himself. “You — god, you have to remember that other people have _feelings_ — “

“I do,” Jaehwan says, still looking up at him from his place on the floor.

“Then how could you not know?” Taekwoon demands, and he can feel his voice catching in his throat and his eyes burning with unshed tears. _Fuck,_ he can’t do this in front of Jaehwan right now. “You can’t just — just play roles for people when it’s convenient, you can’t _break_ people like that — ”

“Taekwoonie,” Jaehwan says, voice soft and shaking.

“No.” Taekwoon dashes his sleeve over his eyes before the tears can fall. God, he hates this. “No, Jaehwan, I’m sorry, just — I have to go. I can’t — I can’t do this.”

“No,” Jaehwan rasps, sitting up on his knees and trying to grab at Taekwoon’s hand. “No, Taekwoon, please don’t go, don’t leave — ”

“I can’t stay here right now,” Taekwoon says, breathing hard as he stumbles for the door. “I — I have to go.”

As he slams the door behind him, he tells himself that his mind is making up the sound of Jaehwan starting to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flops okay so this is the scene that originally made me want to write this fic so. here we are haha


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the door closes behind Taekwoon, Hakyeon immediately checks his phone for the time. Christ, he'd cut it close. Taekwoon had taken longer than he'd anticipated to finish his paper and get out the door, and the time had nearly run over into —
> 
> There's a knock at the door and Hakyeon frowns. That's unusual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so! just a heads up that this chapter probably has the most discussion of shitty parents and dealing with being a survivor of trauma, so be careful ♡

When the door closes behind Taekwoon, Hakyeon immediately checks his phone for the time. Christ, he'd cut it close. Taekwoon had taken longer than he'd anticipated to finish his paper and get out the door, and the time had nearly run over into —

There's a knock at the door and Hakyeon frowns. That's unusual. He walks to the door and pulls it open. “So, you’re knocking now?”

Sanghyuk looks sheepish. “I mean, I figured it was...polite, you know?"

Hakyeon snorts. "Because you're all about politeness, right?"

Sanghyuk frowns. "I mean — am I an asshole? I don't mean to be like, an _actual_ asshole, maybe just a — a joking asshole — "

"I was teasing you, babe," Hakyeon says soothingly, and he doesn't miss the way Sanghyuk blanches at the pet name. "Come on in, the apartment's empty for now, just like you asked."

Sanghyuk obediently steps over the threshold, looking around the apartment. "Where's Taekwoon?"

Hakyeon waves his hand. "Dealing with his own emotional baggage. I think he and Jaehwan are trying to figure some shit out."

Sanghyuk laughs. "Oh, wow, you don't say?"

Hakyeon rolls his eyes. "I mean, this time they might actually do it, though. As opposed to just dancing around each other and being drama queens about it as usual."

"Don't get your hopes up," Sanghyuk says, following Hakyeon into his room. Once Hakyeon sits down on his bed, though, Sanghyuk freezes, so different from his typical ease around Hakyeon. "Should I — where should I — "

"Just sit here," Hakyeon says, patting the space on the bed beside him. "Just like normal, huh?"

"Yeah," Sanghyuk says, sounding distracted. "Just like normal." He does as Hakyeon tells him, taking a seat beside him, but he leaves more space than he usually does.

Hakyeon looks at him with concern. "So, why did you want to talk alone? Is something up? Do you need advice or something? Because you know I'm always here for you — "

"Yeah, I know." Sanghyuk shifts his weight, looking down at his knees. "I mean...it's not like — I don't know, Jaehwan said I should talk to you about it, you know? Even though Taekwoon told me to talk to Jaehwan about it because he's bi, but then Jaehwan handed me off and now — now I'm rambling like a fucking _idiot,_ oh god — "

"No, no, sweetheart," Hakyeon says soothingly, scooting closer and petting Sanghyuk's bicep soothingly. He tells himself it's just because he prefers to offer physical comfort. If he enjoys the strength of Sanghyuk's muscles beneath his hand, well, it's just a coincidence. An unanticipated bonus. "You're not an idiot, I'm here to help you."

Instead of calming Sanghyuk, though, the touch just seems to make him more tense. "I just — I don't know how to start talking about it," he says, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I mean, you're — fuck, you're you and I'm me and this is probably a terrible idea, oh jesus — "

"What do you mean?" Hakyeon asks, worried. A tiny part of the back of his mind is telling him that this conversation sounds familiar to ones he's had in the past, but — _no,_ he's not going to get his hopes up, he's not one of those gay boys who just lets straight boys yank his chain, he's not going to fall into that trap again after he's been doing so well the past few years. "Sanghyuk, seriously, you can always talk to me."

Sanghyuk squirms, avoiding Hakyeon's gaze. "When we talked about that whole gay thing," he says self-consciously, squeezing his hands nervously between his knees, "you — I don't know, it made sense."

"Well," Hakyeon says, trying to stay nonchalant despite the way his heart rate picks up. Don't, he tells himself, don't start being a fool this late in the game, don't let it happen. "I would hope it made sense since it was, you know, my actual life I was talking about."

"No, I mean — " Sanghyuk cuts himself off with a frustrated noise. "It didn't just make sense for your story, it — it made sense for — you know, in other situations."

"What kind of situations?" Hakyeon prompts, against his better judgment.

"I — it's not — just other situations," Sanghyuk says evasively.

"Do you think it might apply to someone else?" Hakyeon asks, feigning innocence. "Maybe one of your friends or something?"

"I — yeah," Sanghyuk says weakly. "One of my friends...is totally dealing with this right now, and he's like, freaking the fuck out."

"Oh, dear." Hakyeon looks at Sanghyuk sadly and lifts his hand to the nape of Sanghyuk's neck, petting the short hairs there in a manner that he hopes comes across as caring as opposed to...well. Just an excuse to touch Sanghyuk. "Do you think I should talk to him? I'm always happy to help."

"I — maybe you could just tell me," Sanghyuk offers, his voice stilted. Hakyeon has to resist the urge to laugh at him. "And, uh, I could — just tell him myself, you know. Like friends do."

"Of course, babe," Hakyeon says, humoring Sanghyuk. After all, these things aren't easy to come to terms with. He may as well let Sanghyuk take it at his own pace. "So. What questions does your friend have?"

"Well." Sanghyuk swallows nervously, a loud sound in the otherwise quiet room. "He's definitely into girls, you know? Like, totally a lady's man. He's gotten so much pussy."

Hakyeon wrinkles his nose delicately. "That's nice."

"Yeah, totally," Sanghyuk agrees fervently. "But he's started kind of — well, he's not sure if it's catching feelings, you know? Because he knows what it feels like to be _into_ a girl like that, but he's not sure if it's the same with dudes."

"I'm not entirely sure," Hakyeon says honestly. "I'm not bi, so obviously I can't speak for people who identify that way, but it really varies person to person, you know?"

"What do you mean?" Sanghyuk asks desperately. "My — friend, you know, my buddy, he, uh — he knows basically nothing about all of this."

"Well, from what I've heard, people have different experiences," Hakyeon replies. "You know, some people feel attracted to different genders in different ways, or they're more attracted to one gender than others, you feel?"

"I...guess?" Sanghyuk says hesitantly. "So, if you like...are usually into girls but you hardcore fall for one guy, you're still bi? That's still...okay?"

Hakyeon chuckles. "Lord knows I of all people am not the gatekeeper to the bi community. I've never had so much as a crush on a girl, so I really can only give you an outside gay man's perspective."

"But — " Sanghyuk is clearly struggling to find his words. "But you — you do think those sorts of bi people are valid? You think my friend is like, not just...being a total dickwad or something? Like, what if he's just a straight dude who's lowkey being an asshole and he doesn't even _know_ it — "

"Well," Hakyeon says. "If you — your friend doesn't do it with the whole 'no homo' intention, it's different, you know? It's one thing to go into it thinking, 'Hey, I'm straight but I might as well experiment,' and another to think you really genuinely have feelings for someone, you know?"

"Really?" Sanghyk asks, finally looking into Hakyeon's eyes. He looks like the freshman he is, young and unsure, and Hakyeon has to fight the urge to pull him into a hug, kiss his hair, and tell him that everything will be okay. "Are you sure?"

" _Yes,_ " Hakyeon says firmly. "Listen, sexuality is a difficult thing to figure out. It's not your friend's fault that society just considers straight the default, okay? Or if your friend feels like you really have to pick one or the other, that's — god, that's so untrue, Sanghyukkie, trust me."

"It is?" Sanghyuk asks, voice surprisingly small.

"Absolutely," Hakyeon replies emphatically. "I mean, labels are nice, but — "

"Not that important?" Sanghyuk finishes for him. "Yeah, Jaehwan said that already. But I’m scared of...thinking I’m actually… _that,_ but actually just being a gigantic fucking asshole, you know?”

“Not to be crass,” Hakyeon says, “but if you’re not just looking to fuck a guy in the ass to try out anal, then you’re probably okay.”

Sanghyuk blinks in confusion. “I — my friend can get anal from girls, what’s the point of sleeping with guys?”

“And there you go.” Hakyeon claps his hand. “You’re in the clear, babe.”

“But — ” Sanghyuk stutters, “but I’m — I’m scared — my friend is scared of hurting some guy’s feelings because he’s — they’re friends, you know? The guy he wants to like, _maybe_ have sex with is his friend and important to him and he doesn’t wanna lose him, yeah?”

“That sounds like he wants to date the friend,” Hakyeon says, trying to sound impartial even as his brain is kicking into hyperdrive. “Maybe he should just, you know, give it a shot.”

Sanghyuk groans and buries his head in his hands. “That’s what Jaehwan said too,” he says forlornly. “But what if it ruins everything? What if my friend loses someone who’s really important to him?”

Hakyeon doesn’t know what possesses him, but he gently tips Sanghyuk’s chin up with his fingers so their eyes meet. “I think he should try it,” he says softly, his heart feeling like it’s about to pound out of his chest. “I think...maybe the guy he’s interested in might be interested in him too.”

“But what if he’s not?” Sanghyuk whispers, but he doesn’t break eye contact, staring into Hakyeon’s eyes like he thinks the answer will be there. “What if he’s — what if it’s all a mistake?”

“How are you going to know unless you ask?” Hakyeon says, his grip on Sanghyuk’s chin tightening. He's aware that he's not using the shield of Sanghyuk's "friend" anymore, and he figures...in for a penny, in for a pound, right? “Come on, Sanghyuk. I never took you for the type to be too scared to take a risk."

Hakyeon can hear Sanghyuk's breath catch and he can almost _see_ in Sanghyuk's eyes the moment he makes the decision.

He can tell the moment before it happens that Sanghyuk is about to kiss him. There's an intensity, a kind of electricity between them, and as Sanghyuk leans down, Hakyeon moves forward to meet him halfway.

It's not life-changing or unique, really. Hakyeon has kissed plenty of boys, including boys who thought they were just as straight as Sanghyuk did. He's not surprised when Sanghyuk barely waits before slipping him tongue, or when Sanghyuk takes Hakyeon's face in his hands so he can tilt their heads together and kiss him deeper.

He knows how to handle this sort of boy. The fact that it's Sanghyuk is just icing on the cake.

Hakyeon's hand snakes up to the nape of Sanghyuk's neck and he pushes his fingers through his hair, just this side of too rough. He sucks on Sanghyuk's lower lip (and it's so soft, so _full_ Hakyeon can't help but think about his mouth on other parts of his body) and then he nips it softly, laughing quietly when Sanghyuk gasps at the sting.

"How is it?" Hakyeon whispers, running his nose along Sanghyuk's jawline. "Kissing a man?"

"It's — good," Sanghyuk manages, sounding dazed. "You're good."

"I know I am." Hakyeon nuzzles into Sanghyuk's neck and brushes his teeth along the thin skin there. "You're pretty good too, for a boy who thought he was straight until now."

"I've kissed plenty of people," Sanghyuk says indignantly, sounding a little more like himself now that his ego is wounded. "I'm a good kisser."

"Of course you are," Hakyeon says soothingly. He hears Sanghyuk take a breath to speak again, so he latches onto Sanghyuk's neck, sucking at the skin with the intention of stopping him from talking. If he happens to leave a pretty mark on Sanghyuk's pale skin — well. It's just a happy side effect.

Sanghyuk’s breath stutters, turning into a gasp, and he arches slightly, giving Hakyeon better access. Hakyeon continues nipping and sucking down Sanghyuk’s neck, reveling in all the tiny noises he can pull out of him. His hand slips down from Sanghyuk’s hair to his chest, and _god,_ that’s nice. Sanghyuk isn’t just tall, he’s big, _thick_ in all the places that matter, and his chest is no exception. Hakyeon squeezes lightly, feeling how muscular it is, how strong Sanghyuk is even when he’s making sweet little surprised noises at Hakyeon’s touch.

Feeling daring, Hakyeon finds Sanghyuk’s nipple and rubs it with his thumb at the same time as he sucks a mark that will definitely bruise right below Sanghyuk’s jawline. Sanghyuk’s body tenses under his touch and the sound he makes this time is deeper, more guttural, and satisfaction ripples through Hakyeon.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re pretty?” Hakyeon murmurs against Sanghyuk’s skin. “I’m sure you’ve been told you’re hot or cute or whatever the sorority girls like to use, but — mmm, you’re a pretty boy, Han Sanghyuk.”

“I’m — I don’t know about that,” Sanghyuk stammers, sounding less sure of himself than Hakyeon thinks he’s ever heard him. “I’m just...a guy.”

Hakyeon pulls back to look Sanghyuk in the eye and cocks his head to the side. “Are you disagreeing with me?”

“I don’t — no, I’m not, I just — ”

“Didn’t think so.” Hakyeon reaches up to stroke along Sanghyuk’s jawline, bringing their faces close together again and watching how Sanghyuk’s eyes flutter shut. He runs a thumb across Sanghyuk’s cheekbone. “You’re lovely.”

“Just — kiss me,” Sanghyuk says, his cheeks pink.

And who is Hakyeon to say no?

So he sits up on his knees on the mattress and throws a leg over Sanghyuk’s lap, straddling him. He drapes his arms over Sanghyuk’s shoulders and like this, Sanghyuk has to look up at Hakyeon for once. It’s a nice view, Hakyeon thinks as he winds the fingers of one hand through Sanghyuk’s hair and tilts his head back even further. Hakyeon doesn’t know if he’s ever seen anything more intoxicating than Sanghyuk letting him do that, letting him take control.

He leans down to kiss Sanghyuk again, deep and wet and filthy. He doesn’t want to tease anymore, he wants to push Sanghyuk as close to the edge as he can without even touching him. He puts everything into the kiss and Sanghyuk — Sanghyuk just _lets_ him, opening up beautifully beneath him.

Sanghyuk’s hands hover over Hakyeon’s hips and lower back, hesitant and unsure. Hakyeon barely even pulls back, their lips still brushing when he tells Sanghyuk, “Touch me.”

It’s as if that’s all that Sanghyuk needed, because his hands immediately grip Hakyeon’s hips, broad and strong and _god,_ if he isn’t exactly Hakyeon’s type. His hands are hot even through the fabric of Hakyeon’s jeans, and Hakyeon can’t stop himself from arching has back and circling his hips, an invitation for Sanghyuk’s hands to go lower. Sanghyuk gets the message, his hands sliding down over the curve of Hakyeon’s ass and squeezing.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Sanghyuk mutters under his breath, pulling Hakyeon closer against him until they’re pressed together as tight as possible.

Hakyeon lets out a small moan of his own when their hips meet, grinding down into Sanghyuk’s lap. He isn’t fully hard, not yet, but he can feel Sanghyuk through his jeans and his mouth waters at the idea of spreading Sanghyuk out on his bed and making him forget any other person who’s ever touched him, making him whine and curse and _beg —_

What he doesn’t expect is for the door to his room to open, hitting the wall hard enough that Hakyeon almost jumps out of his skin at the loud _bang._

“I think I did something bad — _oh, god, what’s happening?_ ” Even though Hakyeon’s back is facing the door, he can recognize Taekwoon’s voice anywhere, and his stomach immediately sinks. “Hakyeon, I — wait, _Sanghyuk?_ ”

Hakyeon clambers off Sanghyuk’s lap, still breathing hard. Sanghyuk is frozen on the bed, staring at Taekwoon like he’s a nightmare come to life.

“Taekwoon,” Hakyeon starts, but Taekwoon just squeaks, “Sorry!” and backs out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Hakyeon takes a deep breath and turns to face, Sanghyuk. “Hey,” he says cautiously. “You okay?”

“He saw,” Sanghyuk says numbly. “Is he — will he — ”

“Not if I tell him not to,” Hakyeon says firmly, making a mental note to not let his gossipmonger of a best friend give into his worst tendencies. “Sanghyuk.”

Sanghyuk continues staring at the doorway where Taekwoon had been standing, seemingly unseeing. His chest is rising and falling rapidly and Hakyeon doubts it’s entirely due to the kissing they’d been doing before the interruption.

“ _Sanghyuk,_ ” Hakyeon repeats, cupping Sanghyuk’s face to turn his head. “Look at me.”

After a moment, Sanghyuk does so, and Hakyeon leans down to kiss the rounded tip of his nose. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Promise?” Sanghyuk says, his voice sounding small.

“Yes.” Hakyeon seals it with a soft kiss to Sanghyuk’s lips, chaste and gentle. He brushes Sanghyuk’s bangs out of his eyes. “Just — wait here, okay? I think something’s up with Taekwoon.”

Sanghyuk snorts, finally starting to sound a little more like himself again. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

Hakyeon smiles at him. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“No, it’s — it’s all right.” Sanghyuk rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I think I need to do stuff, so I’m just gonna...go home. Plus, Taekwoon looked like he needs you more than I do.”

“Sanghyuk,” Hakyeon says quietly. “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you — ”

“No, I know that,” Sanghyuk reassures him, reaching forward to take Hakyeon’s hands in his. “I mean — I don’t regret anything, but I just need a little time to kind of process everything, you know? But — we’ll see each other again soon, okay?”

“Okay,” Hakyeon says, worries soothed slightly. Well, at least his worries about whatever he’s doing with Sanghyuk. Taekwoon is a different story. “You’ll get back to campus all right and everything?”

“Yeah, don’t worry.” Sanghyuk stands and stretches. “I’m a big boy. Plus, I kind of feel like I could fight the whole world right now.”

Hakyeon giggles and slaps Sanghyuk’s side. “Idiot.”

“You know it,” Sanghyuk says with a small smile. “I’m — I’m gonna go now, but I’ll text you, okay? Let me know how everything shakes out with Taekwoon.”

“Will do.” Hakyeon forces himself to let go of Sanghyuk’s hand so he can walk out the door. “Bye,” he calls after him, trying not to smile too dopily when Sanghyuk tosses a wink over his shoulder before the door closes.

Hakyeon rubs his hands over his face and sighs. And now to deal with the Taekwoon situation.

He really hopes he isn’t going to have to kick anyone’s ass once they’re done.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hakyeon is furious.

Taekwoon hadn’t let him go last night after the whole bursting-in-on-Sanghyuk debacle, making Hakyeon stay in his bed with him so Taekwoon could curl up against his side and get the whole story out between bouts of silence and crying.

So here he is at nine in the morning the next day, pounding on the door of a shitty college apartment, not giving one single shit about any neighbors who might hear. If Jaehwan gets a noise complaint, that’s not Hakyeon’s problem.

“Lee Jaehwan,” Hakyeon yells, his fist aching from hitting the door so vehemently, “you open up this door or I swear to god I will — ”

The door swings open and Hakyeon stops in his tracks, the wind taken out of his sails.

“Hello,” Jaehwan slurs, and for once, Hakyeon can't tell if it's from alcohol or lack of sleep, because Jaehwan looks like absolute shit. His face is puffy and the bags under his eyes look like bruises. He bows and makes a sweeping gesture toward the apartment behind him. “Welcome to the We Hate Jaehwan party.” He hiccups. “The gang’s all here.”

Hakyeon peers tentatively around Jaehwan to look into the apartment and realizes they're alone.

This isn't what he was expecting.

“What the hell happened?” Hakyeon demands, his brain still stuck on the memory of what a mess Taekwoon had been.

“I don’t know, Hakyeon,” Jaehwan says, turning around and walking further into the apartment. “What the hell _always_ happens?”

“Well, not this, obviously,” Hakyeon says heatedly, following Jaehwan. “Otherwise I wouldn’t be this pissed off.”

Jaehwan barks out a laugh, picking up a mostly-empty bottle of… _something._ “I’m not talkin’ about the specifics, darlin’,” he drawls before taking a swig and hissing at the burn. “I mean it’s a general _theme_ in my life, you know? Like some...poetic tragic fucking bullshit.”

“What do you mean?” Hakyeon asks, off-balance. After he’d seen Taekwoon last night, he’d assumed he knew all he needed to know; but with the information he’d had, he didn’t think he’d be faced with a Jaehwan just as broken as Taekwoon, even if they showed it in different ways.

“I mean, Hakyeon, that I fuck things up.” Jaehwan gives him a brittle smile. “It’s the only thing I can do reliably.”

Hakyeon squints. “Jaehwan, I’m going to need more than self-flagellation to actually figure out what the hell is going on.”

“Oh, didn’t Taekwoonie tell you?” Jaehwan asks, somewhere between mocking and hysterical. “I assumed you were who he ran off to, at least.”

“Jaehwan,” Hakyeon says shortly, “my patience is running _very_ low right now. When I ask you to tell me what happened, I’m not asking you to push me away by making all these self-deprecating jokes. I want you to actually fucking _tell_ me. Stop sabotaging yourself for once in your _life._ ”

Jaehwan is struck dumb by Hakyeon’s words, the bottle in his hand frozen halfway to his lips. “You...actually want me to tell you?” he asks hesitantly.

“ _Yes,_ ” Hakyeon says impatiently. “That’s why I asked.”

“I mean, a lot of people ask even when they’ve already made up their minds what happened,” Jaehwan mutters.

“Yeah, but I’m not them. I’m your friend, Jaehwan, I’m not here because I want you to fuck up.” Hakyeon sighs. “C’mon, let’s sit on the couch. I think we have a lot to talk about.”

Jaehwan heads over to the couch, walking in a remarkably straight line considering how much liquid is gone from the bottle in his hand. Hakyeon hesitates before pouring a glass of water and then walking to the couch to sit beside Jaehwan.

“Here, drink this.” Hakyeon tugs the bottle out of Jaehwan’s hand and replaces it with the glass.

Jaehwan pulls a face but does as he’s told. When he’s had half the glass and won’t drink anymore, Hakyeon gingerly takes it from him and sets it on the coffee table.

“So,” Hakyeon says. “Tell me what happened.”

Jaehwan rubs his palms on the thighs of his jeans. “We were — I don’t know, things were good, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s what Taek said too,” Hakyeon replies. “He said things were good until...after.”

“I tried to — to do it so it wouldn’t hurt,” Jaehwan says quietly. “But then it still did in the end.”

“What do you mean, you tried to do it so it wouldn’t hurt?” Hakyeon asks.

“I mean...I thought if I kept thinking a certain way, he’d be okay with it at the end.”

“What way is that? Because Taekwoon said he felt...used. And kind of gross afterward.”

Jaehwan’s head shoots up, meeting Hakyeon’s gaze with wide eyes. “Why?”

Hakyeon barely holds back a snort of disbelief. He isn’t entirely sure how other humans get through life being so unaware all the time. “Because he felt like you just — did _that_ with him to make him, I don’t know, owe you or something? He felt like it didn’t mean anything to you.”

“But...he wouldn’t want it to, would he?” Jaehwan asks, sounding small and lost. “He doesn’t actually… _want_ me, you know?”

Hakyeon takes a deep breath, looks up at the ceiling, and prays to whatever deity is out there to grant him patience. “Jaehwan,” he says slowly, “what the actual _fuck_ would make you think that he doesn’t want you?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Jaehwan says, sarcastic and biting, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them tight. “Maybe the fact that he’s hated me since he met me? Or that I’ve been a piece of shit to him? And just in general? I’m not the kind of person that people _want,_ Hakyeon — ”

“God, _please_ shut up,” Hakyeon interrupts. “I didn’t realize I was in the presence of a mind reader.”

Jaehwan blinks. “What?”

“Since you apparently know what’s going on in everyone else’s head, right?” Hakyeon replies. “Obviously, you’re just smarter than the rest of us if you know what we’re feeling all the time. Hell, the rest of us mere mortals don’t even know our own emotions half the time.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say,” Jaehwan says, exasperated. “I never said I was smarter or — or _anything,_ I just know, okay?”

“You know what?” Hakyeon demands. It feels like he’s finally found a weak spot, a chink in Jaehwan’s armor, and he’s determined to push on it until the walls crumble. “What is it that you know and the rest of us don’t?”

“ _Myself,_ ” Jaehwan snaps. “Y’all are just — you don’t _know_ me.”

“Oh, yeah?” Hakyeon fires back. “And why do you think that is?”

“Because I’m — I’m a fucking liar,” Jaehwan fairly shouts. “I make you all think I’m some kind of — some funny guy, or a good friend to take to parties, or just — a good person at all, but I’m fucking _terrible —_ ”

“Oh, Jaehwan,” Hakyeon says sadly. “You know that’s not true.”

“No,” Jaehwan says stubbornly. “You’re just — I tricked you.”

“You’re pretty good, but you’re not _that_ good of an actor,” Hakyeon says flatly. “Jaehwan, how stupid do you think we all are?”

“I’m not trying to say you’re stupid,” Jaehwan says, sounding frustrated. “Just — _listen_ to me — ”

“Then say something I should listen to,” Hakyeon challenges. “Because right now all I’m hearing are excuses and — and _bullshit._ ” He sees Jaehwan open his mouth to speak, but he barrels over him. Right now, he needs to drive this through Jaehwan’s skull, no matter how thick it is. “You just hole yourself up here in your apartment and drink yourself to oblivion and say, ‘Oh, it’s fine if I’m a piece of shit because I’m just a piece of shit by _nature,_ ’ but that’s bullshit, Lee Jaehwan, and you know it.”

“Oh, I know it, do I?” Jaehwan asks sarcastically.

“Yeah, you do,” Hakyeon replies. “I mean, yeah, it’s buried under years of bullshit because _someone_ taught you to think like this, but somewhere in your head you know exactly what I mean. Otherwise, you never would’ve come here. You never would’ve gotten out.”

Jaehwan freezes. Hakyeon doesn’t blame him; they haven’t really talked about the reason Jaehwan is here since he arrived. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean...your parents were shit, all right?” Jaehwan flinches, but Hakyeon grips his shoulder tightly. “No, Jaehwan, you need to talk about it. Like _actually_ talk about it, not just make passing jokes and references to it.”

“Do I really have to?” Jaehwan asks, sounding like he wants to be anywhere but here. “I’m fine — ”

“No, you’re not fine.” Hakyeon gestures around the apartment, littered with empty bottles and dirty laundry. “What about this looks _fine_ to you?”

“I’m — I’m doing my best,” Jaehwan says weakly.

“I know,” Hakyeon says. “I _know_ you are, and I’m proud of you for trying at all, but you — Jaehwan, you _need_ to listen to me. You have to change.”

“I’m trying,” Jaehwan says in a small voice.

“Kind of,” Hakyeon replies. “And I get that it’s really fucking hard for you, okay? I know that every time you’ve tried, you’ve been shut down and and talked over and I _get_ that it’s fucked you up.”

“It’s — that’s not it — ”

“Then what do you think it is?” Hakyeon demands. “That you’re just a naturally shit person? Or that you’re broken in some irreversible way?”

Jaehwan stays silent, hooking his chin over his drawn-up knees and staring at the coffee table.

“I don’t believe that,” Hakyeon says. “I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

Jaehwan snorts in disbelief, still not looking at Hakyeon.

“Okay,” Hakyeon amends, “even if you’ve fucked up and done some bad things, it’s not a life sentence.”

“How do you know, though?” Jaehwan asks quietly.

“Because, like I said — you’re trying. At least a little bit.” Hakyeon looks at Jaehwan, how small he looks curled up on himself on the couch, the sleeves of his sweater slipping past his knuckles so only the tips of his fingers are poking out. He looks young, lost, and it makes Hakyeon’s heart break a little bit. “Jaehwan, if you thought you were hopeless, you wouldn’t have left your old school.”

“I got expelled,” Jaehwan says tonelessly. “It’s different.”

“Okay, but you did that on purpose,” Hakyeon replies. “You can’t tell me that you defaced the beloved campus statue with horse dildos and pentagrams and weren’t aiming to get expelled.”

“Well.” Jaehwan shrugs. “I figured it was gonna happen anyway, so I may as well go out with a bang.”

“Yeah, but you made the choice to go.” Hakyeon curls his legs up under him, scooting closer to Jaehwan. “You knew that if you were there, you’d never escape your parents and you’d never get better.”

“I mean, it was still college,” Jaehwan points out. “I was still responsible for myself, and I still fucked it up.”

“You were at a college you didn’t want to go to that was a five minute drive from your parents’ house,” Hakyeon replies. “The same parents that were...fucking _awful_ to you, Jaehwan.”

“I mean, they weren’t that bad — ”

“No,” Hakyeon says sharply. “They were. No offense, but do you think you’d be this fucked up if they weren’t awful?”

“What if — what if I made it up, though?” Jaehwan asks. “What if I’m just fucked up anyway and I — I made up all that stuff because I wanted an excuse to be fucking terrible — ”

“No,” Hakyeon insists, grabbing Jaehwan’s arm for emphasis. “Your parents cut off your friendships. They fucking stalked you and _hurt_ you and they made you feel like love is conditional. They made you feel worthless and they kept you totally dependent on them. And then — then they — _god,_ Jaehwan, do you know how fucking scared I was when you called me that night?”

“I’m sorry,” Jaehwan whispers. “I didn’t mean to scare you — ”

“No, you don’t have to apologize for that.” Hakyeon squeezes Jaehwan’s arm until he meets his eye. “But — Jaehwan, you have to understand that what happened to you? Wasn’t fucking okay. There are no circumstances in which that _ever_ would be okay. Even if you were a terrible kid, it’s no excuse. No parent should ever lay a hand on their kid.”

“But — ”

“No buts,” Hakyeon says, tone brooking no argument. “There’s no exception to that. Jaehwan, you need to accept that what happened your whole life wasn’t okay. And you need to let yourself… _grieve_ for that, you know? I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you, but you can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. You can’t keep doubting yourself or you’re never going to heal.”

“But what if — what if I try and I’m still broken?” Jaehwan asks, voice so soft that Hakyeon has to lean in to hear him. “What if I do everything and — and go through all _that_ again — which, by the way, fucking _hurts_ to think about — I do all that and I’m still just...a fuckup? What if I’m never gonna be okay anyway?”

“So you think it’s not even worth trying?” Hakyeon scans Jaehwan’s face, trying to read him. “Jaehwan...you know you deserve a chance to be happy, right?”

For whatever reason, that seems to be the final straw for Jaehwan. Hakyeon watches as Jaehwan’s face crumples and he hides behind his knees, his knuckles white with how tightly his fists are clenched. The sounds that are coming from him aren’t loud, for once — they’re small, broken noises, like he’s trying to hide them but can’t.

“Sweetheart,” Hakyeon whispers, wrapping an arm around Jaehwan and pulling him close to kiss the top of his head. “You do. You deserve a shot at happiness just as much as everyone else does. Maybe more, with all the shit you’ve been through.”

That just makes Jaehwan cry harder, sobbing now as he folds into Hakyeon’s side, burying his face in Hakyeon’s neck. Hakyeon pets his hair and makes vaguely soothing noises at him between soft kisses. He lets Jaehwan cry for as long as he needs, holding him close as the sobs rack his slender frame. It’s been a long time coming, he thinks. Hakyeon wonders if anyone has ever held Jaehwan while he cried like this before. It makes him pull Jaehwan that much closer.

Slowly, Jaehwan starts calming down, the sobs becoming shuddering gasps that become hitched breathing until he’s breathing steadily, if a bit shakily. Hakyeon holds him through it all, letting Jaehwan make the first move to sit back.

“Sorry,” Jaehwan mumbles, swiping at his face with his sleeve. “That was — I don’t know where that came from.”

“No need to apologize,” Hakyeon says, his hand still resting on Jaehwan’s back, his thumb working in soothing circles. “Feel better?”

Jaehwan inhales and exhales slowly. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Good.” Hakyeon regards him carefully before asking, “So do you believe me?”

“I...guess?” Jaehwan frowns. “I think it might take a while but...I think I’m gonna try?”

“That’s good,” Hakyeon says encouragingly. “It’s going to suck, but it’ll be worth it.”

Jaehwan gives a small nod. “So...what do I do about Taekwoon?”

“Ah. Well,” Hakyeon says delicately. “It depends on what you want to happen. Obviously you need to apologize for the miscommunication.” Jaehwan groans and buries his face in his hands. “Hey don’t give me that. You know that if you just...tried to use sex to keep Taekwoon close, that’s something you absolutely have to apologize for.”

Jaehwan squirms in his seat, avoiding Hakyeon’s gaze.

Hakyeon narrows his eyes at him. “Jaehwan.”

“What?” Jaehwan asks, blinking innocently.

“What are you not telling me?”

“Nothing,” Jaehwan says evasively. “I told you everything. It’s fine.”

“Why else would you sleep with him?” Hakyeon muses, ignoring Jaehwan’s protests. “If it wasn’t for the reason you told him, then — ” Hakyeon stops, his eyes widening. “Oh my god.”

“What?” Jaehwan demands. “Why are you saying ‘oh my god?’”

Hakyeon can feel a smile slowly spreading across his face. Jaehwan looks vaguely frightened.

“You _like_ him, don’t you?” Hakyeon says, grinning even wider when Jaehwan’s mouth snaps shut and he swallows audibly. “Jesus fucking christ, Jaehwan, you like a boy and you do… _this._ ” He laughs disbelievingly. “Only you.”

Jaehwan slouches down in his seat, pouting at the wall. “I told you,” he whines, “I’m doing my best.”

“I know,” Hakyeon says placatingly. “You’re just...funny, you know that? Kind of a trainwreck, but an amusing one.”

“Thanks?”

“You’re welcome,” Hakyeon replies primly. “Now, if you like him — god, Jaehwan, you _really_ need to apologize then.”

“But I don’t wanna tell him,” Jaehwan says fearfully. “What do I do when he doesn’t like me back?”

Hakyeon sighs and rubs at his temples. “God, I love you guys, but why are all of you so _stupid?_ ”

“Hey,” Jaehwan says, affronted. “I’m not — ”

“Yes, you are,” Hakyeon replies. “You both are. And Sanghyuk is stupid too. Why can’t you just fucking _talk_ about your feelings before things get to this point?”

“Because that’s _hard,_ ” Jaehwan whines.

“Oh, because this is so much more preferable, right?” Hakyeon asks sarcastically. “This is just a walk in the park.”

Jaehwan crosses his arm and pouts, digging his chin into his chest. “Why do you have to be right?”

“Because I’m me,” Hakyeon replies. “I tend to be right.”

“It’s the worst thing ever,” Jaehwan grumbles. “Because it means I have to listen to you. And then you _gloat._ ”

“I’ve earned it. Now, stop trying to weasel your way out of this, Lee Jaehwan.”

“Out of what?”

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow. “You know exactly what. We’re gonna come up with a plan for what you’re going to say to Taekwoon, because god knows if you go in on your own, you’ll shove your foot straight in your mouth.”

“ _Rude,_ ” Jaehwan squawks.

“But true,” Hakyeon returns.

“I — yeah,” Jaehwan concedes, deflating. “It is true.”

“That’s why I’m here to help,” Hakyeon says. “I swear to god I’m going to get you two to actually talk to each other like emotionally mature adults if it’s the last thing I do.”

“That sounds fake,” Jaehwan mutters.

“Don’t doubt my genius,” Hakyeon says tartly. “Now, do you have a notebook and a pen?”

Jaehwan blinks. “Why do I need that?”

“Because, sweetheart,” Hakyeon says, settling himself more comfortably on the couch, “this is going to be complicated.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not that he'd done that with Jaehwan, it's…how everything went afterward. Well, he thinks, not _everything._ Jaehwan on top of him, pressed tight against him, that had been — he doesn't want to say perfect, because he had come in his pants and was less than entirely sober, but it had been good. It'd been promising. It'd been enough to get his hopes up, enough to make it fucking _hurt_ when he came crashing back down. 
> 
> And it hurt because...well, he _had_ hoped, and he hadn’t even known it until Jaehwan tore it all down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of shitty parenting in this chapter again, but if you've gotten this far you will probably be okay! be safe, friends ♡

Taekwoon is not moping. And even if he were, he doesn’t think anyone could blame him. He feels like his brain has been squeezed and stretched and thrown against a wall for good measure. Even after telling Hakyeon about it, he feels… _gross._ On multiple levels.

By all rights, he should be angry. He knows that a month ago, he would've been, but he's not sure how relevant that is anymore. He doubts a month ago he would have let this happen. And he certainly wouldn't have been this upset, or at least not upset in this way. Before, it would've been unthinkable that he'd let Jaehwan of all people have this — hell, even his first kiss had been too much to give to Jaehwan, let alone anything else.

Now, though. Now it's not that he'd done that with Jaehwan, it's…how everything went afterward. Well, he thinks, not _everything._ Jaehwan on top of him, pressed tight against him, that had been — he doesn't want to say perfect, because he had come in his pants and was less than entirely sober, but it had been good. It'd been promising. It'd been enough to get his hopes up, enough to make it fucking _hurt_ when he came crashing back down.

And it hurt because...well, he _had_ hoped, and he hadn’t even known it until Jaehwan tore it all down.

Then again, maybe that's not fair. Saying Jaehwan had _done_ anything makes it sound cruel, intentional. Anytime Taekwoon starts wondering if maybe this had all been part of a ruse, just a complex plan for Jaehwan to fuck with him like he'd always done from the start, he can't help but think of the desperate note in Jaehwan's voice, the way he'd pleaded for reassurance.

At the time, it had been easy to dismiss Jaehwan's actions as selfish. Hell, they probably were on some level, but the more Taekwoon thinks about it, the more he realizes it wasn't malicious. At least, not in the way he'd assumed Jaehwan would be when they first met.

It doesn't really matter anyway, he thinks, rolling over on the sofa so his face is planted into one of the cushions. Even if Jaehwan had — _felt_ something for him, the way Taekwoon had handled it would've taken care of that pretty quickly.

Shame burns hot in his gut. God, why is this his way of dealing with things? Actually, why do _both_ of them deal with things the way they do? Taekwoon lets himself get in over his head and then freezes and bolts, Jaehwan takes the edge off with alcohol and crosses too many lines. It feels like they might be stuck going around like this in circles, especially when Jaehwan's apologies are always tainted by alcohol and Taekwoon can never sure if he'll ever really _change —_

A noise comes from the front of the apartment. At first he thinks it might be Hakyeon letting himself in, returned from tearing Jaehwan a new one. Guilt swoops through his stomach. He'd seen how angry Hakyeon had been, and the more he thinks about it, the more he wonders if Jaehwan deserves the full force of Hakyeon's wrath. Honestly, Taekwoon isn't sure if there are many people on Earth who deserve that.

The noise comes again and Taekwoon realizes it's knocking. It's timid, quiet, and Taekwoon really doesn't want to get his hopes up again but — well, it seems like Jaehwan is pretty good at that.

As he walks to the door, he tries to tell himself it could be anyone. It could be Hongbin looking for Sanghyuk, it could be Wonsik here to talk to Hakyeon about the mixing for the musical, it could be a fucking pizza delivery guy at the wrong apartment —

But of course, when he opens the door, it's Jaehwan standing there and looking up at him with a pitiful expression.

He looks significantly worse for wear — small and worn out and, for god knows what reason, only wearing one shoe.

"Hi," Jaehwan says, shifting his weight awkwardly between his feet. "Can we talk?"

"You're only wearing one shoe," Taekwoon replies numbly, his brain still catching up.

"I — yeah, that's a thing." Jaehwan looks down at his feet. "Hakyeon thought I wouldn't actually come here and talk to you, so he took my shoe as insurance that I wouldn't bail.”

"Hakyeon sent you?" Taekwoon asks cautiously. Maybe if this is just for Hakyeon, then Taekwoon can keep his distance. Maybe he can just let Jaehwan deliver the obligatory apology and then get back to work on burying this — whatever the hell it is that’s been making his chest ache whenever he’s close to Jaehwan.

"I mean — not exactly," Jaehwan mumbles. "He kind of gave me a kick in the ass to come here and he helped me figure out what exactly to say but...I'm here because I want to be. I want to talk about...what happened."

Taekwoon pushes down the panicked voice in the back of his mind that's telling him to bolt again. Every time he's given in to that particular instinct, he's been left with a mess to untangle with Jaehwan. And sure, they could keep going around and around in circles, but Taekwoon is _tired._ He's tired of constantly guessing where he stands with Jaehwan, he's tired of not being able to decipher his own emotions, he's tired of this tug of war that's been their entire relationship since the moment they met.

It's also hard for Taekwoon to feel justified acting the same way he did before when it looks like Jaehwan's actually making an effort. He's at Taekwoon's door again, but he appears sober this time and genuinely apologetic, which is a departure from most of Taekwoon's interactions with him before.

Taekwoon knows he's stubborn, but he doesn't really want to be stupid. If Jaehwan — contrary, antagonistic _Jaehwan_ — can change...well, Taekwoon can't find any reason why he can't do the same.

So he waves his hand awkwardly and says, "You want to come in?"

Jaehwan nods. "Yeah, this is probably gonna take a while."

Taekwoon swallows hard and steps aside to let Jaehwan into the apartment. Of course it's going to take a while, he tells himself. You don't just casually rub dicks with your rival-turned-tentative-acquaintance-and-possible-friend and _not_ have to take a while to talk about it at some point.

Jaehwan makes his way silently through the door and over to the couch, looking for all the world like he's never been in the apartment before. He's got his hands clutched in front of him, fingers tapping nervously, and when he reaches the couch, he looks up at Taekwoon as if he has to ask permission to sit, as if he and Taekwoon haven't shared a bed in this very apartment.

"Go ahead," Taekwoon says softly.

Jaehwan sits down on the couch hard, as if he’s been pushed down by the shoulders. Taekwoon wants to laugh, but he isn’t sure how Jaehwan would take it right now. Normally, he thinks laughter would be the best response he could give Jaehwan, but right now, Jaehwan looks fragile and worn, not at all the person that Taekwoon knows. With a jolt, Taekwoon realizes this is what Jaehwan looked like after...well. After.

Now that the thought’s entered Taekwoon’s brain, he realizes what exactly this talk is going to entail and he wonders if it’s too late to go back in time and close the door. He doesn’t even like talking about normal emotions, let alone the mess the two of them have made.

“So.” Taekwoon sits himself down on the opposite end of the couch and clears his throat. “How — Where do we start?”

Jaehwan flinches. “Hakyeon said I should...tell you about my feelings.” His tone of voice would probably be the same if he’d said _chop off my own hand and shove it down my throat._

Taekwoon lets out a quiet snort. “Yeah, that sounds like Hakyeon.”

There’s a flash of the Jaehwan that Taekwoon knows when a smile flickers across his face. “Doesn’t it?” The smile fades and Jaehwan sighs. “Problem is, I don’t think it’s a good starting point. It’s more like an ending point, if that makes any sense.”

“I mean, I couldn’t tell you,” Taekwoon says honestly. “Because I really don’t understand you at all.”

“Join the club,” Jaehwan replies. “I’m pretty sure the only person who isn’t in it is fuckin’ Hakyeon.”

“Fucking Hakyeon,” Taekwoon echoes. The conversation they’re having, the path they’re treading, feels familiar, but doused in tension and unsurety. The words aren’t new, but there’s something just beneath the surface, something unspoken that makes it all feel new and strange.

“So, I guess...I owe you an apology. Lots of apologies, really.” Jaehwan exhales heavily and rubs his face. “And I’m gonna explain why I suck so badly, but it’s not an excuse? Or at least, that’s what Hakyeon told me to do. He said, ‘Tell him why you’re fucked up, but for the love of god, don’t make it sound like it makes it all okay.’ So that’s my disclaimer, I guess.”

“Okay,” Taekwoon says cautiously. “Consider yourself disclaimed.”

Jaehwan huffs out a quiet laugh. “All right. Okay.” He pauses for a second. “Fuck, this is harder than I thought.”

“Do you want me to ask you questions maybe?” Taekwoon offers. “I mean, maybe it would give you a place to start.”

“I — yeah, sure.”

“Well.” Taekwoon pretends to consider what he’s going to ask, but he already knows, he’s known since the moment he ran out of Jaehwan’s apartment. “Did you mean what you said? Afterward?”

Jaehwan’s face contorts like he’s bitten into a lemon and he says reluctantly, “No, I — I didn’t.”

Taekwoon tries to ignore the flood of relief through his chest, focusing instead on the indignation rising in its place. “So why did you say it at all?”

“Because I — you’re — I didn’t think you’d ever — ” Jaehwan cuts himself off with a frustrated noise. “I thought it was what you wanted to hear. I thought it was...the most acceptable thing to say.”

“Clearly you thought wrong,” Taekwoon says drily, pushing down the confused hurt welling up inside him. “And I mean, I gathered as much. The fact that you just wanted to please me to — to keep me from leaving you was part of why I was upset in the first place, Jaehwan. I’m not… _you,_ sex isn’t just a bargaining chip for me or a — a tool I use to get people to do what I want — ”

“No, no, I know that,” Jaehwan rushes to say. “I know, I didn’t — I mean the words were what I thought you wanted to hear. The — what I did, what we did was because I wanted to.”

“You wanted to what?” Taekwoon asks, not wanting to believe Jaehwan, not wanting to open himself up just to be hurt again.

Jaehwan looks at Taekwoon pleadingly. “I — give me a second, please,” he says, sounding desperate. “I want to tell you the truth, it’s just hard and I’m — I’m still not sure how to say it right. I’m not good at saying things right.”

“Okay, so….” Taekwoon hesitates. “Do you want me to ask more questions?” When Jaehwan nods, Taekwoon asks, “So why did you think I wanted to hear what you said? The whole...giving me what I wanted thing.”

The corners of Jaehwan’s mouth turn down and his eyes flicker unsurely between Taekwoon’s face and the coffee table. “So I...I — ” He exhales hard, sounding frustrated. “Can you ask a different question first and we can come back to that one?”

“All right,” Taekwoon acquiesces, even though there’s a part of him that wants to insist that no, it’s not all right, Taekwoon needs to _know_ because it’s been going around and around in his brain since it happened — but that’s not fair. He’ll get his answers. He just has to pay it forward with a little patience. “So...why were you so worried about me leaving? And, I guess this kind of goes along with that, but why did you think that you had to give me...that to make me want to stay?”

“I guess...you had come over just to return something, right? So I didn’t get why you would stay. And we talked and it was — it felt good.” Jaehwan adds hastily, “Or at least, I thought it felt good, I don’t want to assume — ”

“No,” Taekwoon interrupts. “It was good.”

“Oh. Good.” Jaehwan seems stunned into silence for a second before he picks up his train of thought again. “So, I mean, you were staying and we were talking and it felt like — I don’t know, like maybe you wanted to be there? And I didn’t know why.”

“Because we were having a good time talking, maybe?” Taekwoon says, puzzled.

“Okay, in hindsight, that makes sense,” Jaehwan allows. “But — listen, my brain was just like, ‘What the fuck? Why is this guy just hanging out? Especially when we’re starting to like, enjoy being around him?’ You know?”

“I, uh — ” Taekwoon coughs. “I didn’t know, actually.”

“Oh. Right.” Jaehwan blinks. “That’s fair.”

“Anyway,” Taekwoon says, trying to steer the conversation back on topic so he can finally get answers. “How do we get from point ‘I like being around him’ to point ‘I’m going to take his virginity and then make him feel he’s been used.’”

Jaehwan’s eyes widen almost comically. “That — I didn’t want to make you feel used.”

“How else was I supposed to feel?” Taekwoon asks disbelievingly.

“I _told_ you, I thought it was what you wanted,” Jaehwan replies, pitch rising. “And obviously I was wrong and I’m _sorry._ Fuck, I’m so sorry, Taekwoon.”

The anger that’s been coalescing inside Taekwoon suddenly dissolves, as if the apology’s doused the flame. “I — thank you,” Taekwoon says numbly, wondering if he’s heard properly. “For apologizing.”

Jaehwan shrugs, staring down at his knees. “I needed to do it.”

“Yeah, you did,” Taekwoon agrees. “But still. Thanks.”

“Uh. You’re welcome?”

They sit in silence for a minute or two. Taekwoon isn’t sure what to ask now, doesn’t quite know how to guide Jaehwan along.

Eventually, Jaehwan breaks the silence without prompting. “I didn’t understand why you’d want to be around me because...I don’t know. No, that’s not right. I do know, it’s just hard.” Jaehwan sighs. “It’s hard to say out loud because as soon as I say it, it sounds stupid, you know?”

“Yeah,” Taekwoon replies. He doesn’t think he’s been through the same sort of thing as Jaehwan, but the self-doubt? He can definitely understand that.

“So I just...don’t really believe that people are gonna stick around? Unless I give them something.” Jaehwan shifts uncomfortably, the springs in the couch creaking beneath him. “So I guess my fuckin’ stupid drunk brain thought...that was what you wanted.” Before Taekwoon can reply, Jaehwan adds, “I mean, it was probably partly wishful thinking, you know? Because I — I thought that maybe we both wanted it. Or something.”

“If you wanted it, why didn’t you just _ask_ for it?” Taekwoon asks, slightly exasperated. It’s partly at Jaehwan, but it’s also partly at himself. He wonders how much time and pain they could have saved themselves if they’d done this sooner — just sat down and talked without anything fettering their communication.

“Because you would — I mean, I thought you would just laugh at me.” Jaehwan shrugs, looking uneasy. “I didn’t think you’d want it the same way. And I didn’t want you to think I was...pathetic, I guess. I didn’t want you to pity me because I wanted...something that you didn’t want to give. So I thought if I made it superficial or whatever, if I just made it about physical stuff, maybe you’d be okay with it. Maybe you’d be okay with it happening with me.”

“I would’ve been okay with it happening with you anyway,” Taekwoon interjects quietly, almost unable to believe the words are leaving his lips. “At least, with the way things had started. I thought maybe things were changing. I thought — ” Taekwoon snorts, shaking his head at himself. “I don’t know. I guess I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?”

“That I was — you know.” Taekwoon struggles to find the right words. The feelings aren’t as straightforward as he’d like them to be, nothing so simple as a confession or a proposition. They’re tangled up inside him, messy with complications and prejudices that make him unsure of how to proceed.

“I thought you knew I wasn’t the kind of person to just...want to sleep with someone just because, you know?” Taekwoon says slowly. “Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it. I’m friends with Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, obviously I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sleeping around.” Taekwoon picks at his cuticles. “I thought you knew that if I let you that close, it was kind of a big deal.”

The words burn in his throat, feeling shameful and heavy as he lays himself bare before Jaehwan.

“I — It was a big deal for me,” Jaehwan says, sounding lost. “I knew it was going to be, but I didn’t think it would be for you.”

Taekwoon laughs mirthlessly under his breath. “Looks like we both made stupid assumptions, then.”

“I don’t think you were being stupid,” Jaehwan says. “I mean, yeah, we could’ve talked more, and we probably should have, but I think...this one’s mostly on me. And I’m sorry.” Jaehwan takes a deep breath. “I mean, we’ve talked about this stuff. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I mean, no one should be treated like that, but especially with how much we’ve talked about shit lately, I really shouldn’t have done it to you.”

Taekwoon doesn’t reply, trying to glean exactly where Jaehwan wants this conversation to end up.

“And I — I kind of want to explain,” Jaehwan tells him. “And it’s not because I want to make excuses, I just want you to understand why I do shit like this even when it’s basically self-sabotage that takes everyone down with me. I want you to know that it’s not because of you.” Jaehwan wrinkles his nose. “That sounds like that line doesn’t it? It’s not you, it’s me.”

Taekwoon can’t help the startled laugh that bubbles up in his chest. “Yeah, it does, but it’s okay.”

Jaehwan visibly struggles to find his next words, biting his lower lip and furrowing his brow. “I’m not trying to say that things between us have ever been easy,” he starts. “But it definitely wasn’t helped by all the shit I brought along with me. I know when I got here, you thought I was just some cocky bastard way too far up my own ass.”

“I did,” Taekwoon confirms, feeling a bit guilty. He must’ve been far more obvious about it than he’d thought. No wonder things had started out so rocky.

“And clearly that’s partly — ” Jaehwan pauses and corrects himself. “Well, mostly my fault for acting that way. I mean, I was basically doing everything in my power to make you think I thought I was hot shit because — I don’t know, I guess I thought maybe it would make y’all think I was hot shit too.”

“But you didn’t think that about yourself,” Taekwoon clarifies.

Jaehwan snorts. “Yeah, you could say that.” He stares at the wall for a second, and his eyes still don’t meet Taekwoon’s when he speaks next. “I don’t think I’m hot shit. I don’t even really… _like_ me. And I don’t exactly believe that other people could like me either.”

Taekwoon looks at Jaehwan sharply. “But people love you,” he points out. “Hakyeon wanted you to move here, Sanghyuk thinks you’re hilarious, I’m pretty sure Hongbin and Wonsik love hanging out with you — ”

Jaehwan is shaking his head before Taekwoon can even finish speaking. “I just...don’t believe it.”

“Why not?”

“Because it feels...fake, you know?” Jaehwan leans back against the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest again like the last time they’d talked alone here. “I was constantly told growing up that people weren’t gonna like me, you know?”

“What? Why?” Taekwoon demands, more confused now than when they’d started the conversation.

Jaehwan grimaces. “I — I mentioned before that my parents are kind of shit, right?” When Taekwoon nods, Jaehwan continues, “Yeah, well. They said — fuck, this is gonna sound terrible.”

Taekwoon resists the urge to prod Jaehwan to speak again. He isn’t sure if Jaehwan’s ever talked about this before, or at least if he’s ever spoken about it out loud before with someone who can see his face as he talks.

“I’m not gonna go into details right now,” Jaehwan says haltingly. “But...I guess it could basically be summed up as...they taught me that love was kind of a conditional thing, you know? That people don’t just _care_ about you.” He pauses, looking thoughtful. “At least, not about me, anyway.”

Taekwoon is aware now that he’s staring at Jaehwan, but he can’t make himself stop. It sounds so alien, so beyond the pale compared to Taekwoon’s own childhood. Hell, he’d thought that growing up with three older sisters who teased him constantly had been a pain, but at least he’d always known that he was his parents’ precious youngest, their only boy. He can’t even imagine feeling like he had to fight for affection.

“So it just really got under my skin, that idea that you have to earn...love, I guess, if you want to call it that.” Jaehwan shrugs. “And at first it was fine.” Taekwoon scoffs, but Jaehwan continues speaking as if he hadn’t. “I mean, growing up I was like, ‘Yeah, I can earn love, that’s okay.’ And I felt like I did. I was a pretty decent singer, so I got to be in the Christmas pageant at our church growing up, and I got little two-line solos in elementary school choir concerts. And things were okay. I felt like I’d earned some love and it was all good.”

“That’s — that’s not how that works,” Taekwoon murmurs, still trying to catch up to Jaehwan’s words, still stuck imagining a tiny Jaehwan who hadn’t yet grown into his nose or voice singing his heart out for anyone who would promise to love him.

“Yeah, probably.” Jaehwan says, sounding far too calm and accepting of something that’s horrifying to Taekwoon. “But I could handle it then, you know? It was when I got older that it actually became a problem.”

“You mean it wasn’t a problem before?” Taekwoon asks. He almost wants to tell Jaehwan to stop talking because this — just thinking about it hurts him, even with his difficult history with Jaehwan. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that things like this happen. He wants to cover his ears and go back to pretending that Jaehwan is a two-dimensional antagonist in Taekwoon’s story, but he also wants to prevent this from happening in the first place.

Jaehwan chuckles hollowly. “It wasn’t a real problem, at least. I could deal with it. An eight-year-old doesn’t understand psychology or parenting or what the fuck ever. All I knew was that if I did things right, my parents would be happy with me, and that was all that mattered.

“But then I got older and it got...messy, I guess. Because I started having ideas of my own. And you know what it’s like getting ideas of your own with Asian parents.” Jaehwan pulls his knees closer to himself. “Not to be a bitter shit, but _fuck_ Confucius.”

“I — ” Taekwoon blinks. “What?”

“It’s part of why I felt like they were right, you know? Because you have fuckin’ _centuries_ of this self-righteous filial piety bullshit that parents use to beat you over the head with, like, ‘Hey, it’s our _culture_ for us to make you feel like an unlovable piece of shit,’ and you’re like, ‘Well, shit, guess I just have to deal with it, then!’” Jaehwan pauses, breathing slightly harder, his cheeks flushed. “And you don’t wanna reject it because — maybe this was just for me personally, but I didn’t belong where I grew up. I was basically the only person like me in my school.”

“Like you?” Taekwoon echoes.

“Korean,” Jaehwan says bluntly. “No one around me looked like me. They used to — ” Jaehwan huffs. “Whatever, you don’t need to hear this, it’s not some fuckin’ sob story of how I got bullied into being an emotionally stunted dipshit. What you do need to know is that I didn’t belong there. So when my parents pulled all this shit, I couldn’t fight it because I — I just wanted so badly to have a _place,_ you know? I wanted to have somewhere to belong, and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna get it outside of my home.”

“College — ” Taekwoon starts, but Jaehwan interrupts him.

“Yeah, that was gonna be the saving grace, right?” Jaehwan laughs. “God, I believed that for so long. I mean, by the time I was like, twelve, I already kind of understood on some level that things were fucked up. So I told myself, ‘It’ll be all right. You’re gonna get out of here and you’re gonna find your place and you’re gonna be _happy._ ’ I told myself I was gonna go to a school out of state and — and things were gonna change, you know?”

“Yeah,” Taekwoon says quietly. He wants to believe so badly that this is where Hakyeon comes in, this is where everything starts getting better, but he gets the sinking feeling that isn’t what he’s about to hear.

Jaehwan sighed. “I’m — I don’t know, I’m not gonna go into a ton of detail like I said. Maybe someday, but not — not right now. I’m — fuck, I’m tired.” Jaehwan’s head falls down, his forehead pressed to his knees. When he speaks again, his voice is slightly muffled from how his head is tucked away. “But basically my parents kind of...kept me dependent on them, financially. So they still controlled my life. They told me where to go to college and they controlled my bank account and everything. And in hindsight, I wish I’d just been like, ‘No, fuck you, I’m eighteen and I’m gonna do what the fuck I want,’ but I didn’t even _know_ you could do that.”

“You were eighteen,” Taekwoon says, feeling vaguely sick. “That’s — eighteen-year-olds can’t handle shit like that.”

“I mean, they can.” Jaehwan shrugs. “Lots of eighteen-year-olds deal with worse shit than that every day.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s right.”

“No,” Jaehwan says, his eyes closing, knuckles white with how tightly he’s clutching his knees. “It doesn’t. But that doesn’t really stop me from wishing I’d done more then.”

“But...you’re doing it now,” Taekwoon says.

“Kind of. Barely.” Jaehwan exhales slowly. “I got myself kicked out of the school my parents wanted me at on purpose.”

“Ah, yeah.” The words jog Taekwoon’s memory. “Hakyeon did mention something about you getting expelled.”

“Yeah.” Jaehwan lifts his head again, propping his chin on his knees to stare at the wall, and Taekwoon can’t help but notice that his eyes are slightly red. “The school was really close to home and it was a little Christian private school and I felt — I felt trapped. And things kept getting worse and worse and I didn’t — I don’t know. It just got to a point where I was scared all the time, you know?”

Taekwoon has to bite back the urge to reply that no, he doesn’t know, that’s not how people are supposed to feel around their parents.

“Anyway,” Jaehwan says, suddenly brusque. “I left, moved to California, worked as a valet for a while. May or may not have fucked a lot of rich men’s wives in their fancy cars, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Taekwoon laughs, not sure if Jaehwan is joking or not, but it’s worth it for the smile that graces Jaehwan’s features, the first in a while. Taekwoon realizes he isn’t used to seeing Jaehwan go so long without smiling.

“So I became friends with Hakyeon online,” Jaehwan continues. “I told him some of my shit and he did his whole mother hen routine and decided to adopt me as a pet project and...here I am, I guess.”

“You know, Hakyeon didn’t just take you in because he felt bad for you, right?” Taekwoon says quietly. “Hakyeon really genuinely likes you.”

“Yeah?” Jaehwan asks, looking small all tucked up on the couch and sounding even smaller as he turns his head to face Taekwoon. “He does?”

“He really does,” Taekwoon confirms. “Trust me. I’ve known Hakyeon for a while now and I — ” Shame burns in Taekwoon’s cheeks, but he pushes on and admits in a rush, “I was worried he liked you more than me, actually.”

Jaehwan stares at him. “That’s...fuckin’ ridiculous.”

“Excuse you,” Taekwoon says, affronted. “No, it’s not.”

“Yeah, it is,” Jaehwan fires back. “I got here and I immediately was like, ‘Shit, everyone here already has their people, it’s just gonna be high school all over again.’”

Taekwoon doesn’t know what to say to that. Guilt is creeping through his gut because he can’t even deny that he’d thought that — he’d been indignant that this stranger was coming into their lives, trying to shove his way into their circle when Taekwoon thought their circle was just fine as it was. The only thing he can do is whisper, “I — I’m sorry.”

Jaehwan shrugs. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is a little, actually.” Now it’s Taekwoon who’s having a hard time making eye contact. “I — I didn’t want to let you in. I was nervous that you were going to...replace me.” Taekwoon pulls a face. “Fuck, that sounds stupid when I say it out loud.”

“I mean, it does to me because obviously I couldn’t replace you,” Jaehwan replies. “Hakyeon fuckin’ loves you.”

Taekwoon blushes. “I — you’re right.”

“Damn right I am,” Jaehwan says with a nod.

“But I didn’t know that then. So I was...kind of an ass.”

“We both were kind of fuckheads,” Jaehwan agrees. “And let’s just...agree that we both had our reasons but it was still kind of fucked up?”

“Can — can we just do that?” Taekwoon asks, unsure.

“Why not?” Jaehwan replies.

“It feels...I don’t know, it feels too easy.”

“You think this was _easy?_ ” Jaehwan squawks. “I bare my _soul_ to you, I share my deepest, darkest secrets with you, and you call me _easy —_ ”

“I — I didn’t call _you_ easy, you dumbass,” Taekwoon says, feeling like he’s getting whiplash from the change in mood. Still, he can feel a laugh rising in his chest and the corners of his mouth are turning up in a smile without his permission.

It does feel easy, really, even if Jaehwan wants to throw a fit about Taekwoon’s word choice.

“Oh, god,” Taekwoon says, realizing something.

“What?” Jaehwan asks, sounding uncharacteristically concerned.

Taekwoon groans, burying his face in his hands. “Hakyeon is going to be insufferable. We talked about our feelings and things turned out better and he is _never_ going to shut up.”

Jaehwan winces. “Ah, fuck, you’re right. Well, to be fair, he was never gonna shut up anyway. Now we just know what he’s never gonna shut up about.”

Taekwoon giggles, his head leaning against the back of the couch as he looks over at Jaehwan. “So,” he says, voice quiet again. “Where exactly does this...leave us?”

“I — I’m not sure,” Jaehwan replies.

“Can you answer the question you didn’t before?” Taekwoon asks.

“Which one?”

“Why you wanted to do that with me,” Taekwoon says. “You said it wasn’t for the reason you said afterward, so it wasn’t just to — to keep me around or make me feel like I owed you.”

“No,” Jaehwan answers. “No, it wasn’t.”

“So.” Taekwoon’s mind is pulling together their whole conversation and the way Jaehwan had acted yesterday and _fuck,_ there he goes again, getting his hopes up; but when he looks at Jaehwan and finds him looking back at him with nervousness but also… _anticipation,_ if Taekwoon isn’t mistaken — well, maybe Taekwoon understands now why he always gets his hopes up when it comes to Jaehwan. “You want to tell me the real reason, then?”

Jaehwan pauses for a second before unfolding his legs so he can scoot closer to Taekwoon on the couch. He comes closer and closer, slowly enough that Taekwoon can give him any sign to stop if he wants to.

He doesn’t.

He doesn’t tell Jaehwan to stop when Jaehwan’s knee pokes into Taekwoon’s thigh. He doesn’t tell Jaehwan to stop when he lifts his hands to Taekwoon’s jaw and gently cups his face. He definitely doesn’t tell Jaehwan to stop when he brings their faces together and their lips brush in a kiss, soft and chaste and sweet.

When Jaehwan pulls back, he whispers, “Is that a good enough reason?” Taekwoon nods wordlessly, bridging the gap between them to bump their noses together.

“I — I can’t promise I’m not gonna fuck up,” Jaehwan admits. “I mean, I’m gonna try really hard not to be a colossal fuck-up, but I’ve been trying to do that and obviously I’m not doing so hot right now.”

“Yeah, but you’re trying,” Taekwoon points out. “And you’re — I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I think you’re getting better.”

“You really think so?” Jaehwan asks hopefully.

“Yeah, I do,” Taekwoon replies. “I mean, this whole conversation happened sober, for one.”

“Oh, yeah.” Jaehwan wrinkles his nose. “I wanted to come over sooner but Hakyeon told me I couldn’t until I would pass a breathalyzer for public intoxication.”

Taekwoon laughs, their foreheads touching as he leans forward. “Hakyeon probably had the right idea there.”

“Oh, god, don’t tell him that,” Jaehwan whispers. “He’ll never let me hear the end of it.”

“What happened to ‘At least we know what he’ll be talking about?’” Taekwoon teases.

“Leave me and my double standards in peace,” Jaehwan grumbles, and Taekwoon leans forward to appease him with another kiss.

Taekwoon wants to hate how giddy he feels, how he swears he has butterflies in his stomach and every other cliche about middle school crushes, but he just feels relief.

“So, just to reiterate,” Jaehwan says. “I like you. And you like me.”

“You could say that,” Taekwoon replies.

“Okay, you like me well enough to not hate my guts,” Jaehwan clarifies. “And you wanna spend time with me and make out with me and maybe touch my dick.”

“I — Jaehwan.”

“Just making sure.” Jaehwan settles against Taekwoon’s side with a small contented sigh. “I really thought this conversation was gonna end with you telling me to never talk to you again.”

“That would’ve sucked,” Taekwoon says. “But instead you get this. Lucky you.”

“You know what would make me lucky for real, though?” Jaehwans asks, and his words are starting to slur together, but for once it’s from sleepiness and not drunkenness. “If Hakyeon would show up and give me my other fuckin’ shoe back.”

Taekwoon laughs into Jaehwan’s hair. “I’m sure he’ll give it back when he comes home.”

Jaehwan makes vague irritated noises against Taekwoon’s chest. “In that case, I have no choice but to stay here until he returns.”

Part of Taekwoon wishes that Jaehwan wasn’t pressed up against his side so that he could experience the full impact of Taekwoon’s eye roll. Another part of Taekwoon figures...well, if Jaehwan wants to stay there, who is Taekwoon to stop him?

“Do you want to stay here or do you want to move to my room?” Taekwoon asks before he realizes how that might sound. “I mean, just for sleeping, not — not anything else, not right now anyway. Maybe sometime — probably sometime, but — Jaehwan?”

He’s met with silence. He leans down as much as he can without jostling Jaehwan to look at him and finds his eyes closed, his lips in an open pout, fast asleep.

Well, he thinks. Jaehwan might have the right idea. It doesn’t look like either of them got a particularly good night of sleep, and now that things have been talked out, the anxiety that’s been squeezing Taekwoon’s heart tight is eased. Finally, he can settle back against the couch, the warm weight of Jaehwan resting against him, and let his eyes close.

As he drifts off, he thinks that this is all he’d really wanted after yesterday anyway.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Taekwoon is woken by the creaking of the floor in the hallway. He cracks an eye open to see Hakyeon frozen in an almost comical position, caught mid-tiptoe and looking at Taekwoon like a deer in headlights.

Taekwoon raises an eyebrow. “Do you have Jaehwan’s shoe?”

“What?” Hakyeon blinks and then suddenly adjusts himself to standing normally — or at least, that’s what Taekwoon assumes he’s attempting to do. Hakyeon doesn’t usually stand so stiffly with his hands jammed in his pockets, but Taekwoon can see that he’s trying his best. “Oh, yeah, I left it at the front door. No big deal, he can take it when you’re done talking. I was just gonna grab my stuff and head out, you can go back to sleep, don’t mind me — ”

“Hakyeon,” Taekwoon interrupts.

Hakyeon stops, looking at Taekwoon with wide eyes.

“So,” Taekwoon says, trying to sound as casual as possible. “Sanghyuk, huh?”

Hakyeon pulls a face. “Listen, he’s just — it’s not really that big of a deal, it was just — just a thing — ”

“What happened to him being straight?” Taekwoon teases, having far too much fun with Hakyeon being the one caught off-guard for once. “What did you _do_ to him?”

“I didn’t _do_ anything,” Hakyeon says indignantly. “He just — he came to some realizations on his own and I happened to be...the object of some of these realizations and _Jung Taekwoon stop laughing I know where you sleep —_ ”

Taekwoon’s whole body is shaking with laughter, so it’s not surprising when Jaehwan pipes up, voice still scratchy from sleep, “Listen, Hakyeon, just accept that life is fuckin’ weird and sometimes we end up putting our dick in places we don’t expect.”

“I have not put my dick _anywhere,_ ” Hakyeon says hotly. When Taekwoon snorts in disbelief, Hakyeon amends his statement to, “Not anywhere in relation to Sanghyuk, anyway.”

“You’re gonna take his little gayby virginity,” Jaehwan says drowsily. “That’s so _cute._ ”

“Have I told you lately that you’re both a colossal pain in my ass?” Hakyeon asks. “Because you are.”

“Why don’t you go be a pain in Sanghyuk’s ass?” Jaehwan asks, lifting his hand for a high five that Taekwoon doesn’t return. “Oh, come on, that was good.”

Hakyeon sniffs. “At least I can trust Taekwoon to be on my side.”

“I mean.” Taekwoon grimaces. “I really didn’t want to think about this, but Sanghyuk is probably going to be more of a pain in Hakyeon’s ass.”

The words take a moment to sink in before Jaehwan is howling with laughter and Hakyeon is spluttering indignantly all over again, something about _versatility_ and _heteronormativity_ and _you’re a disgrace to the gay community and I’m revoking your membership card._

It feels...good. All of them together feels comfortable, right, easy in a way that Taekwoon hasn’t felt since Jaehwan first arrived.

This is what Jaehwan had wanted all along, Taekwoon realizes. When Jaehwan wanted his people, when he wanted a _somewhere,_ it had been this. Not even necessarily the...whatever exactly he had with Taekwoon, but this: the overly personal jokes, the stealing shoes, the fake fighting, the laughter.

It makes Taekwoon rest his arm along the the back of the couch, just enough that he can feel the warmth of Jaehwan all along it.

He’s part of Jaehwan’s somewhere, he thinks.

He could definitely get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay SO i'm sorry for the slower update schedule because i have been in seoul! i wrote this chapter in a cafe in seoul!! how fucking wild is that!!!!
> 
> thank y'all so much for your amazing comments. i will definitely get around to answering them, i think i just needed to...crank this chapter out in a vacuum because it's pretty personal. but any time i got discouraged, i would look through my inbox and be so encouraged, thank you to every single person who's left a comment!! ♡♡♡


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanghyuk resists the urge to go over to Hakyeon and Taekwoon’s apartment and poke Hakyeon until he gets more information. Even across text, Hakyeon sounds tired, and with the way Jaehwan and Taekwoon have been carrying on since they met, Sanghyuk isn’t surprised at all. He would pity Hakyeon, but — well, this is what Hakyeon signs up for by appointing himself resident mom friend. Sanghyuk wonders if Hakyeon could ever really be happy without his well-intentioned meddling and nagging, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's a pretty small boy, just working on tying up loose ends~ there should be another chapter after this and then the epilogue and then we will be done! we're almost there!!! \o/

Sanghyuk tells himself to be patient waiting for a message from Hakyeon (or Taekwoon or Jaehwan, just _anyone_ who can tell him what the hell is going on), but when he doesn’t hear anything from Hakyeon even by the time the next day rolls around, he can’t stop himself from texting a quick _hey, everything all right?_

Logically, he knows Hakyeon is probably just busy cleaning up whatever mess Jaehwan and Taekwoon have gotten themselves into now. He tells himself that Hakyeon isn’t the type to avoid talking about things, so it’s not that Hakyeon is trying not to talk to him; but no matter how much he repeats it to himself, there’s a niggling concern in the back of his mind that he’s royally fucked up everything with Hakyeon.

His anxieties are eased a bit when his phone buzzes with a response from Hakyeon. Sanghyuk nearly drops his phone in his haste to unlock it and read the message, swearing as he fumbles with uncharacteristically clumsy fingers.

_Everything’s fine,_ he reads. _I’m surrounded by emotionally stunted dumbasses, but it’s fine. I’ll explain the next time I see you._

Sanghyuk resists the urge to go over to Hakyeon and Taekwoon’s apartment and poke Hakyeon until he gets more information. Even across text, Hakyeon sounds tired, and with the way Jaehwan and Taekwoon have been carrying on since they met, Sanghyuk isn’t surprised at all. He would pity Hakyeon, but — well, this is what Hakyeon signs up for by appointing himself resident mom friend. Sanghyuk wonders if Hakyeon could ever really be happy without his well-intentioned meddling and nagging, anyway.

So Sanghyuk leaves Hakyeon to deal with whatever the hell Jaehwan and Taekwoon have cooked up this time and tries to keep his mind otherwise occupied until the next rehearsal. This mostly consists of trying not to jack off to the thought of Hakyeon, remembering that it’s probably okay now that they’ve made out, panicking slightly over the fact that Hakyeon still hasn’t messaged him with a definitive answer on what they mean to each other, and then jerking off to distract himself while trying and failing not to think of Hakyeon.

It’s an exhausting cycle. Sanghyuk is a college student. He’s too poor to be buying this many goddamn tissues.

Finally, Sanghyuk makes it to their next rehearsal, where he’ll finally have an excuse to talk to Hakyeon that isn’t just, _hey, Hakyeon, my dick and I can’t stop thinking about you._

All his fears are assuaged the second he meets Hakyeon’s eye. When Hakyeon spots him, his face breaks into a bright smile and he waves him over enthusiastically, squeezing him tight in a hug when Sanghyuk walks his way.

“Thank you so much for being patient,” Hakyeon sighs, his arms still wrapped around Sanghyuk’s middle. He’s warm and soft against Sanghyuk’s side, the feeling soothing even as it makes Sanghyuk’s heart rate speed up. “Lord knows how Jaehwan and Taekwoon have even made it to this point in their lives without someone throttling them for being so pigheaded is beyond me.”

“To be fair,” Sanghyuk points out, “they really bring out the worst in each other.”

“They really do,” Hakyeon grumbles. “Listen, I need to go ahead and get rehearsal started, but let’s get coffee afterward? I think we should talk a little more about...everything.”

“I — yeah,” Sanghyuk replies lamely. He almost wants to ask Hakyeon if he thinks they’re making a mistake, if Sanghyuk should just leave him alone and stop freaking everyone out with this gay crisis shit, but Hakyeon leans up and pecks Sanghyuk’s cheek before walking away.

It’s not an unfamiliar gesture, Sanghyuk thinks, lifting a hand to brush over where Hakyeon’s lips had been seconds before. But for some reason, now Sanghyuk feels as though wherever Hakyeon touched, he’s left a soft tingling, like electricity, and that — that is definitely unfamiliar.

He doesn’t mind it though, he thinks. He doesn’t mind it at all.

The warmth from Hakyeon’s kiss (and thinking of it in those terms, thinking of _Hakyeon_ and _kissing_ sends a flush of warmth through Sanghyuk’s chest every time) stays with him through the rest of rehearsal. Sanghyuk can’t count the number of times that he spaces out only to realize that Hakyeon is giving him an amused look because Sanghyuk had been _staring_ with a dopey smile on his face. Jaehwan says something about him being _a literal heart eyes emoji,_ but Sanghyuk can’t seem to stop himself. Whenever he’s not consciously thinking about it, his eyes and his mind drift to Hakyeon.

Sanghyuk doesn’t know if he’s ever been quite this smitten before. He wonders if being gay really mattered when it comes to this; he thinks Hakyeon might just be the sort of person that would make him weak no matter what.

He’s aware enough to be distantly grossed out by that. Fortunately, every time Hakyeon smiles at him, any sort of self-awareness flies out the window and he’s reduced to a goopy, smitten stupor all over again.

This is his existence now, he supposes. It could be worse.

It doesn’t occur to Sanghyuk until rehearsal is ending that “getting coffee” could mean...something other than he’d expected. He isn’t sure if he’s more taken aback by the realization or the fact that it doesn’t really faze him.

Of course, once he’s sat down across from Hakyeon in the campus center with a pair of coffees between them, he realizes he doesn’t know why he would expect Hakyeon to want anything other than to talk about feelings.

“So,” Hakyeon starts, playing with the straw of his drink. “Have you had enough time? Since...you know.”

“I — yeah,” Sanghyuk says. “I mean, I think I knew, but I wanted to be sure. I didn’t even really need this much time, but I wanted to wait for you to text first.”

“Why?” Hakyeon asks curiously.

“Because I thought — ” Sanghyuk hesitates, realizing how silly it sounds now that he’s about to say it out loud to Hakyeon’s earnest expression. He coughs and mutters, “I thought maybe you were just ignoring me.” God, it sounds stupid.

Hakyeon blinks. “That’s stupid.”

Sanghyuk ducks his head, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yeah, I know.”

“So you’re telling me,” Hakyeon says slowly, “that I could’ve invited you over to finish what we started before today?”

“I — ” Sanghyuk swallows hard, unusually shy. He’s not sure why; god knows he’s had plenty of sex, especially casual sex, so the idea of going over to someone’s place just to fall into bed shouldn’t get to him this much. “I thought you were...busy.”

“Oh, I definitely was,” Hakyeon says drily. “Busy trying to make Jaehwan and Taekwoon actually talk to each other, and then busy trying to avoid them making out all over the damn apartment.”

“Avoid them — _what?_ ”

Hakyeon rolls his eyes. “I guess they’re a thing now. Or something. I don’t fully understand it. Although it feels like Jaehwan is determined to make as many people as possible witness him shoving his tongue down Taekwoon’s throat.”

Sanghyuk winces. “That sounds...interesting.”

“Interesting,” Hakyeon repeats. “Right.”

Sanghyuk giggles and is rewarded with Hakyeon smiling at him, his eyes ridiculously fond. It’s reassuring, grounding — this is still the same Hakyeon Sanghyuk’s always known. Even if there are some new facets to their relationship, even if Sanghyuk feels a rush low in his belly whenever Hakyeon _looks_ a certain way, it’s still them. It’s still Hakyeon and Sanghyuk, and that gives Sanghyuk the reassurance he needs to say, “You know, I could think of a way for you to get back at them.”

“Oh, really?” Hakyeon leans forward, settling his chin in his hand. “Do tell.”

“Well,” Sanghyuk says with a grin. “How opposed are you to exhibitionism as a concept?”

There’s a wicked twinkle in Hakyeon’s eye that makes Sanghyuk’s stomach feel like it’s doing flips. “Darling, I don’t think _opposed_ is the word I would use.”

“In that case,” Sanghyuk replies, trying to ignore the way his heart is racing in his chest. “Shall we walk over to your place?”

Hakyeon stands and offers Sanghyuk a hand, linking their arms together once they’re both up. “I thought you’d never ask.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Not to be dramatic,” Jaehwan starts, but he’s cut off by Taekwoon snorting and muttering something under his breath that sounds vaguely disbelieving and uncharitable.
> 
> Jaehwan sniffs, ignoring him. “Not to be _dramatic,_ ” he repeats emphatically, “but I think I would rather set my actual eyeballs on fire than see Hakyeon sucking Sanghyuk’s dick again.”

“Not to be dramatic,” Jaehwan starts, but he’s cut off by Taekwoon snorting and muttering something under his breath that sounds vaguely disbelieving and uncharitable.

Jaehwan sniffs, ignoring him. “Not to be _dramatic,_ ” he repeats emphatically, “but I think I would rather set my actual eyeballs on fire than see Hakyeon sucking Sanghyuk’s dick again.”

Taekwoon groans, grabbing a pillow off the bed next to him to wallop Jaehwan with it. “Shut _up,_ oh my god.”

“I never wanted to see Sanghyuk’s dick ever,” Jaehwan continues morosely. “And I especially never wanted to see it with Hakyeon’s lips wrapped — ”

Taekwoon claps his hand over Jaehwan’s mouth, ignoring his muffled shrieking. “I am going to kill you if you don’t stop talking about...that,” he says.

Jaehwan wriggles out of Taekwoon’s grip. “Did you see the look on Hakyeon’s face though? He looked pleased with himself, like he fuckin’ _wanted_ to psychologically scar us.”

“I was trying not to look in their general direction,” Taekwoon says flatly. “His face was too close to — yeah.”

“Sanghyuk’s dick,” Jaehwan provides helpfully.

Taekwoon winces. “Yeah. That.”

“What did we do to deserve that?” Jaehwan whines. “We’re respectable, upstanding citizens — ”

“Maybe it was the time Hakyeon saw you groping my ass while I made ramen,” Taekwoon points out.

“ — we would _never_ subject them to — ”

“Or maybe when you sat on my lap while we were trying to eat and kept making jokes about waiting to stick it in until later.”

“Okay, listen, that was just funny — ”

“Or it could’ve been the time that you told Hakyeon for some reason that we’d fucked on his bed, which wasn’t even _true,_ but it got us yelled at for at least half an hour — ”

“Fine, fine,” Jaehwan surrenders, holding up his hands. “Since you’re so determined to not believe me, I’ll leave you to your self-flagellation.”

“It’s not self-flagellation,” Taekwoon says indignantly. “All of those were _your_ fault.”

“It takes two to tango.”

“That was not tangoing,” Taekwoon replies. “That was bullshit. I shouldn’t have to suffer just because you think it’s funny to antagonize my roommate.”

Jaehwan pauses for a second, trying to think of a response, but eventually settling on whining, “But it’s _so_ funny.”

“No!” Taekwoon says shrilly. “Hakyeon thinks we’re fucking all over the apartment and we haven’t even — ” His mouth snaps shut and his cheeks go adorably pink.

Jaehwan raises his eyebrows. “Oh, is that why you’re upset about it?”

“No,” Taekwoon says stubbornly. “I’m upset about it because now I’ve seen Sanghyuk’s dick as some kind of weird revenge and it’s your fault.”

“Oh, really?” Jaehwan scoots closer on the bed, grinning at Taekwoon. Taekwoon keeps his mouth turned down in a resolute scowl, but Jaehwan doesn’t let it deter him. “I mean, we’ve already been punished for something we didn’t do. We may as well earn the punishment now.”

“That is _not_ how that works,” Taekwoon says stiffly, but he’s steadfastly avoiding Jaehwan’s gaze in a way that betrays that Jaehwan must be at least a little bit right. “Stop smirking at me.”

“Taekwoonie,” Jaehwan singsongs, teasing and light. “Jung _Taekwoonie —_ ”

Taekwoon huffs and turns his back on Jaehwan, staring at the wall instead like an obstinate toddler in time out.

“C’mon, Taekwoonie,” Jaehwan coaxes, leaning against Taekwoon’s back and hooking his chin over his shoulder.

“I don’t know a Taekwoonie,” Taekwoon grumbles. “You must be looking for someone else.”

“Nah, I don’t think so.” Jaehwan nuzzles Taekwoon’s ear and kisses the lobe softly, pleased with how he can hear Taekwoon’s breath stutter in his throat. “I think you like being called Taekwoonie, anyway.”

“Lies,” Taekwoon replies, but his voice goes a little breathy when Jaehwan’s lips brush down the side of his neck in butterfly kisses. “Lies and slander.”

“You know, the sooner you stop denying it, the sooner you’ll get your dick sucked,” Jaehwan says.

Taekwoon nearly chokes at that, letting out a startled wheeze and whispering, “That isn’t — I don’t — _shut up._ ”

“Maybe you should find a way to shut me up,” Jaehwan says, digging his chin into Taekwoon’s shoulder until he squirms.

“Ow, stop, that _hurts,_ ” Taekwoon whines. “Being all flirty doesn’t work when you’re threatening to amputate my arm with your chin.”

“But what if amputation is my kink?” Jaehwan teases. When Taekwoon turns to argue with him — actually, he’s probably just turning to call Jaehwan disgusting — Jaehwan takes advantage of it and leans forward to kiss him on the lips. Taekwoon makes a small noise of surprise, but his lips are soft and yielding under Jaehwan’s, his hand coming up to flutter hesitantly over Jaehwan’s shoulder before it settles in a gentle grip there.

For all Jaehwan’s teasing and joking, they haven’t gotten any further than this since, as Jaehwan likes to think of it, The Day That Shit Went Down. There have been kisses, a few good makeout sessions, but mostly Jaehwan is happy to go at whatever pace makes Taekwoon the most comfortable. Especially after how things have gone between them before, Jaehwan is happy to take all the time in the world. He’d rather be able to kiss Taekwoon softly and see him smiling in response than...what’s happened before.

He likes making Taekwoon smile more than anything, he thinks.

Taekwoon turns slightly in his arms so he’s fully facing Jaehwan, their knees bumping as Taekwoon lifts his arms to settle them on Jaehwan’s shoulders, pulling him tentatively closer.

Jaehwan is happy to let Taekwoon control the pace. Even though they’ve been kissing more recently, Taekwoon is still a little unsure, a little clumsy with his kisses. He has a tendency to get fixated, pulling Jaehwan’s lower lip between his own and suckling on it gently until Jaehwan cracks a smile and Taekwoon remembers that oh, right, there’s more to kissing than that. He’ll usually get embarrassed and try to duck his head, but Jaehwan will cup his face and make soft, soothing noises at him and nuzzle his nose against Taekwoon’s cheeks until he’s ready to kiss again.

Taekwoon makes soft noises into Jaehwan’s mouth when they kiss, almost like he can’t help himself. Jaehwan tries not to let his mind wander too much, but he can’t help but think of how easy it is to draw little gasps and moans from Taekwoon with just kisses, how loud he’ll be later.

The noises he makes take on a desperate edge when Jaehwan dips down to start kissing at his neck. Jaehwan resists the urge to nip at him, to mark him up, because Taekwoon falls apart far more easily with gentle touches and soft wet kisses than anything harsh. Just Jaehwan lightly sucking at his pulse point makes Taekwoon’s fingers flex, digging into Jaehwan’s shoulders slightly as he pulls him in closer.

Jaehwan is hesitant to push too far, but Taekwoon is tugging at his waist and there’s no way for Jaehwan to get any closer other than to climb into Taekwoon’s lap. He’s careful not to let their hips get too close, settling his weight about midway down Taekwoon’s thighs, but that’s nice in its own way. Taekwoon’s legs are muscular underneath him, and he can feel them flex when Taekwoon shifts to bear Jaehwan’s weight better.

Taekwoon’s thighs shift slightly wider and Jaehwan slips closer, getting dangerously close to bringing their hips together. Jaehwan lightly squeezes his knees around Taekwoon’s hips, partly to make him aware of where they are — for all that Taekwoon is a very physical person, he tends to fixate on one thing at a time — but also partly to hold him in every way he can.

It’s still hard to believe that they’ve gotten to this point, especially since Jaehwan isn’t used to...anything like this, really. He’s not used to people listening or even _wanting_ to listen, he’s not used to people apologizing and meaning it, and he certainly isn’t used to people seeing all of him and still wanting to stay. He can’t quite wrap his head around it, but — well. He can wrap himself around Taekwoon and hold tight, and fuck whatever his brain tries to tell him. He can’t be bothered to listen to it when Taekwoon is making soft, needy noises into his mouth.

Even though they’re already close, Taekwoon keeps tugging, pulling Jaehwan closer and kissing him wet and open and a little messy with impatience. It doesn’t leave Jaehwan with any other option than letting himself fall completely against Taekwoon, their hips aligned, the warmth of Taekwoon’s body a shock between his legs that sends a rush of heat through Jaehwan’s gut.

Taekwoon had to know what he was doing, but he still makes a surprised sound, as if he wasn’t expecting it to be quite so _much._ Jaehwan can feel the minute twitch of Taekwoon’s hips beneath him. Taekwoon’s breath hitches in his throat, letting out a soft gasp that Jaehwan can feel against his lips. Jaehwan gives a careful roll of his hips, slow and shallow, just enough to gauge how Taekwoon is feeling while still leaving him an out.

Taekwoon’s hands fly to Jaehwan’s hips and grip tightly, as if hanging on for dear life. His hips jerk up, unsteady and unpracticed, and he reacts more strongly than Jaehwan does, his weight barely settling on the mattress before he’s trying to grind up against Jaehwan again.

Jaehwan becomes aware of the fact that he’s making soothing noises into Taekwoon’s mouth, soft hums and shushes when he pauses for breath, and his hands slip to Taekwoon’s hair to stroke it slowly. He feels some of the tension ease in Taekwoon’s neck and shoulders, his head tipping back so Jaehwan can kiss him more deeply.

Their hips have fallen into a steady, easy rhythm. It’s mostly Jaehwan rolling his hips down against Taekwoon and Taekwoon holding onto him and meeting him halfway, and — really, it’s hardly anything, in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like everything in the moment.

Taekwoon pulls back for a moment, biting his lower lip and looking up at Jaehwan nervously. Anxiety swoops through Jaehwan’s stomach for just a second, terrified that he’s fucked things up as usual, but then Taekwoon opens his mouth and says quietly, “More? If that’s okay.”

Jaehwan feels a bit like the breath has been knocked out of him. “I — yeah,” he manages. “Of course it’s okay.”

Taekwoon nods, his fingers flexing on Jaehwan’s hips again, squeezing him gently. Jaehwan pauses, trying to figure out what exactly he should do, kissing down Taekwoon’s jaw and neck in the meantime. He wants to do whatever will make Taekwoon feel the best, more nervous about this than he thinks he’s ever been about sex, at least in a very long while. He tries to focus on physical sensations instead of letting himself get caught up in his thoughts; his thoughts narrow to the softness of Taekwoon’s skin under his lips, the faint scent of detergent and cologne, the quiet gasps coming from above him. It’s always intoxicating to hear what sounds he can pull out of Taekwoon, and this — having his mouth busy while he hears and feels Taekwoon falling apart underneath him — might be his favorite thing.

Well, he thinks. That settles what he should do to give Taekwoon _more_ like he’d asked for.

Jaehwan scoots back, trying not to be too unsexy as he moves down Taekwoon’s body. Taekwoon’s eyes follow him, watching as he trails his hands down Taekwoon’s front. The position gives Taekwoon a tiny bit of a double chin, and Jaehwan wonders when he became the sort of person who finds this much softness in a person endearing. He doesn’t think he minds it very much. He hopes Taekwoon has softness other places on his body that Jaehwan hasn’t seen yet.

He moves quickly, not bothering to remove Taekwoon’s t-shirt, just pushing it up slightly to reveal his belly and hips. Taekwoon is soft here too and it makes Jaehwan’s chest squeeze almost painfully. He can’t stop himself from leaning forward to kiss it, reveling in how warm and giving Taekwoon’s skin is under his mouth. He lets his tongue flick out slightly, tasting clean skin, and Taekwoon wriggles.

“That tickles,” he whines, his knees bending slightly in defense.

“Oh no,” Jaehwan says with a frown. “Here, let me fix that.” And he lowers his head to that soft, pale skin and blows an enormous raspberry.

Taekwoon yells, jerking underneath him, and Jaehwan bursts into giggles, burying his face in Taekwoon’s hip.

“Why did you do that?” Taekwoon pouts. “That’s not sexy.”

“I couldn’t resist,” Jaehwan says, running his thumb in soothing circles on Taekwoon’s belly. “Also, I’ll have you know it was plenty sexy. My dick is rock hard right now.”

“Mine isn’t,” Taekwoon says stubbornly.

“Oh, really?” Jaehwan suddenly presses one of his hands to Taekwoon’s crotch. “What’s this, then?”

“A — a roll of — quarters,” Taekwoon stammers.

“Quarters?” Jaehwan teases with a squeeze of his hand, watching how Taekwoon’s hands scrabble at the comforter. “Don’t sell yourself short, sweetheart, I think you’re a little bigger than that.”

“Oh my god,” Taekwoon whispers, his head falling back as his hands come up to cover his face. Jaehwan can still see the pink flush spreading down his neck, though.

“Is this okay?” Jaehwan asks. This is all new territory, as far as sober, non-accidental interactions between them go, and he wants it to stay the way it’s been so far — soft, careful, full of smiles and teasing.

Taekwoon nods without uncovering his face. Jaehwan almost wants to ask him to look at him and tell him it’s all right again, but he thinks Taekwoon might spontaneously combust on the spot if he has to meet Jaehwan’s eye, and he trusts Taekwoon to know his own boundaries and possibly knee Jaehwan in the head if need be. So he takes a deep breath and starts kissing Taekwoon’s belly again, his nose brushing against the faint trail of hair under his navel as he gets closer and closer to the waistband of Taekwoon’s boxers peeking out from under his pants.

When he reaches the elastic, he presses a quick kiss to it before tucking his fingers underneath it and giving it a tug. It’s not really meant to pull the boxers down, just tell Taekwoon to lift his hips, which he does almost immediately, as if he’s just waiting for Jaehwan’s instructions.

It’s a little difficult getting Taekwoon’s boxers and jeans down his legs. Usually, Jaehwan appreciates how tight Taekwoon’s pants are, but right now it’s difficult to peel them off without using the full force of his body behind his tugs. He does eventually manage to get them down and off Taekwoon’s legs and throw them on the floor triumphantly. With the boxers and pants problem vanquished, Jaehwan turns back to Taekwoon and every thought promptly flies directly out of his head.

He’s never seen this much of Taekwoon before. Of course, he knew that Taekwoon’s legs were long and muscular, that his body was well-shaped, but this — fuck, there’s so much _skin,_ so many places to kiss and tease and — that’s a _dick,_ oh god, that’s _Taekwoon’s_ dick and it’s pretty too, all pink and cute, just like the rest of him, and Jaehwan is going to put his mouth on that and Jaehwan is going to fucking _die_ — 

Taekwoon squirms under Jaehwan’s gaze, looking almost the same as when Jaehwan had tickled him. “Is everything all right?”

Jaehwan swallows, trying not to wince at how suddenly dry his mouth is. “Everything,” he says haltingly, “is...very all right, yes. Good.”

Taekwoon tugs at the hem of his shirt as if to cover himself. It strikes Jaehwan how different Taekwoon is in the bedroom than anywhere else. Taekwoon is athletic, aware of his own body, and he doesn’t get self-conscious about it easily; but with his clothes off and a completely different purpose hanging over their heads, he seems almost shy, even if he does try to cover it by glaring and pouting.

“Then why are you just staring?” Taekwoon demands.

“Because I want to look at you,” Jaehwan says honestly. “You’re...really fuckin’ pretty, Taekwoon.”

Taekwoon scowls, but his cheeks are pink and he mumbles something under his breath that Jaehwan can’t quite hear. His fingers relax, letting his shirt climb back up, and his thighs fall open just a bit further.

Well, Jaehwan thinks. That’s an invitation if he’s ever seen one. He imagines trying to get Taekwoon to actually _ask_ for Jaehwan to touch his dick and almost snorts. Well, it’s at least as good of an invitation as he’s going to get out of Taekwoon.

He lowers his head again, kissing across Taekwoon’s narrow hips. The skin here is so thin and pale that he can see the faint blue of veins running beneath it, and when he sucks at it gently, it feels delicate between his lips. He can feel Taekwoon’s thighs tensing around him, and he slips his hands under Taekwoon’s legs to hold him closer as he presses kisses to his belly and hips, occasionally venturing down to his thighs.

Taekwoon’s breath is coming fast now, and he occasionally lets out a small whimper when Jaehwan manages to find a particularly sensitive spot. All the while, he works closer to where Taekwoon’s cock lies hard against his belly, occasionally twitching. The closer he gets, the higher-pitched Taekwoon’s noises become, sounding more and more desperate even before Jaehwan’s really touched him. It’s so sweet it makes Jaehwan’s chest ache. It makes him want to do nothing but this, just pressing kisses all over Taekwoon’s body for as long as Taekwoon will let him.

But the temptation to see how Taekwoon will react to a proper touch is too strong, especially when his cock is _right there,_ hard and the slit already shining with precome. So Jaehwan turns his head and gently laps at one of Taekwoon’s balls. He’s immediately rewarded by Taekwoon choking on his breath. He smiles against Taekwoon’s skin before settling in and starting to press kisses up Taekwoon’s shaft, keeping it relatively chaste for the moment (or at least as chaste as he can be when there’s a dick touching his mouth).

By the time he reaches the head, almost every exhale that leaves Taekwoon’s lips is a whine, and Jaehwan presses his hips down against the mattress, painfully aware of how hard he is from touching and listening to Taekwoon. He looks up to see that Taekwoon is already falling apart, and it makes him feel a bit better about how needy he feels too.

Taekwoon pulls his hands away just far enough from his face to peek down at Jaehwan, only to clap them right back over his eyes when he meets Jaehwan’s gaze. Even though he knows Taekwoon can’t see it now, Jaehwan smiles.

When Jaehwan tilts Taekwoon’s cock toward his mouth and sucks softly on the head, Taekwoon’s thighs almost slam closed around his head. As it is, Taekwoon swears a blue streak and the heel of his foot jabs into Jaehwan’s side. The pain is worth it, as far as Jaehwan’s concerned. He sucks at the head again, letting his tongue drag against the sensitive slit.

“Jesus fucking christ,” Taekwoon wheezes, his hips twitching. “You — what the _fuck,_ what the hell — ”

That sounds like encouragement to Jaehwan’s ears, so he pushes his mouth further down onto Taekwoon’s cock, letting himself get a little wet and sloppy to make it easier. When he looks up, Taekwoon’s head is thrown back and his hands are clenched in fists in the comforter. He can see Taekwoon’s chest heaving every time he pants, and his whole torso is tensed.

Jaehwan pulls off, stroking Taekwoon lightly with his hand as he says, “Look at me.”

“What?” Taekwoon asks, sounding distracted. Jaehwan can’t really blame him; he takes pride in his dick-sucking skills, and he truly believes that being given lips like his means there’s a higher power that _wants_ him to be the best cocksucker he can be.

“Look at me,” Jaehwan repeats. “You’re missing out on half of the blowjob if you’re not watching it happen.”

“Oh, fuck,” Taekwoon says weakly. “I — If I look at you, I think I’m going to come in like...five seconds.”

“Then it’ll be a challenge,” Jaehwan says, squeezing lightly around the base of Taekwoon’s cock. “I’ll see how fast I can make you come.”

“Does everything have to be a competition with us?” Taekwoon asks exasperatedly.

“I mean...have you met us?” Jaehwan points out.

Taekwoon pauses. “Okay. Fair point.” He wriggles underneath Jaehwan, gasping when it shifts Jaehwan’s hand on his cock. “But can we just — do this? Please?”

Jaehwan squeezes again until Taekwoon finally meets his eye, and then he winks. “As long as you keep your eyes on me. You know I love an appreciative audience.”

“You like any audience,” Taekwoon mutters breathlessly. “You’re an attention whore.”

“That’s me,” Jaehwan singsongs before taking Taekwoon’s cock back into his mouth, effectively ending the conversation. Taekwoon moans, louder than he probably should considering there’s a neighboring apartment just a wall away, but he keeps his eyes trained on Jaehwan.

Taekwoon is strung tight beneath him, all his muscles tensed. His hips and thighs are trembling and Jaehwan just holds him closer, sucking more of Taekwoon’s cock into his mouth. He can easily reach the base, letting his nose brush the trail of hair as he takes Taekwoon all the way in. Taekwoon practically mewls in response. Jaehwan can feel Taekwoon’s cock twitching in his mouth, can taste the faint saltiness of precome. It makes him suck a bit harder, his eyes fixed on Taekwoon’s.

Taekwoon looks disheveled, sweaty, his face flushed and eyes bright. His arms are up again as if he wants to cover his face, but he does as Jaehwan asked, his forearms thrown over his forehead but leaving his face clear.

Jaehwan realizes with a start that he’s grinding down against the mattress. Fuck, has it really been that long that he’s this desperate for it? Then again, he thinks as he drinks in the sight of Taekwoon, is it really all that surprising that all of this is a massive turn-on? Taekwoon is already beautiful to start with, strong and pretty in all the ways Jaehwan likes; add onto that the fact that he’s looking down at Jaehwan as if he’s a vision, a revelation, and the fact that every single flick of Jaehwan’s tongue or drag of his lips makes Taekwoon visibly struggle not to come apart even more...well, Jaehwan doesn’t think anyone could blame him for being so affected.

He lowers one hand to Taekwoon’s balls, stroking his thumb between them, stroking the delicate skin. He gets a strangled moan in response, Taekwoon’s eyes fluttering shut for a moment. Taekwoon looks so blissed out just from simple touches, Jaehwan never wants to stop.

Of course, there is one problem with that.

It hasn’t been long at all when Taekwoon’s body is practically shaking, his hips jumping and squirming. His eyes keep closing for longer and longer moments, as if he’s struggling to keep them open. He looks like a mess, a beautiful mess, and Jaehwan almost knows before Taekwoon says anything that he’s getting close.

“I — ah, Jaehwan.” Taekwoon bites his lip, the color in his cheeks so bright that he’s practically red at this point. “Jae — if you keep going, I’m going to come.”

Jaehwan hums around Taekwoon in acknowledgement, which just makes Taekwoon moan again, his cock twitching in Jaehwan’s mouth.

“Is that okay?” Taekwoon asks, voice tight. “I — I don’t want to — I mean, it’s what you want — ”

Jaehwan sucks a bit more firmly, looking directly into Taekwoon’s eyes. _I dare you,_ he tries to communicate as well as he can with the lower half of his face more than a little preoccupied. _Do it._

Taekwoon whimpers, his head falling back and his eyes closing, but Jaehwan can’t reprimand him for breaking eye contact when he’s shaking apart beneath him. His cock jerks against Jaehwan’s tongue, filling his mouth with come as Taekwoon nearly sobs above him. Jaehwan suckles gently at him through his orgasm, easing him through it and swallowing everything, reveling in the satisfaction of making someone...making _Taekwoon_ come.

When he’s sure Taekwoon is finished, Jaehwan lets his softening cock slip out between his lips, dabbing daintily at the corner of his mouth with one of his sweater paws. “I do believe that was a successful first blowjob,” he announces.

Taekwoon groans, covering his face again now that Jaehwan has nothing to hold over him for it. “You’re the worst.”

“Not at sucking dick, though,” Jaehwan says cheerfully, flopping down onto the bed next to Taekwoon. “In fact, I might say I’m the best.”

“That’s a little cocky of you,” Taekwoon murmurs.

“You know me,” Jaehwan replies. “Cocky is my middle name.”

Taekwoon snorts. “I really thought you were going to make a cock joke, so thanks for not doing that.”

“Excuse you,” Jaehwan says, pretending to be offended. “I am _classy._ ”

“Oh, yeah,” Taekwoon says drily. “The classiest. You have spit on your chin.”

“It’s a fashion statement,” Jaehwan says. “It’s my highlight.”

Taekwoon splutters, trying to find a response before giving up and letting the giggles overtake him. Jaehwan smiles back as he watches Taekwoon fondly.

“You’re — ” Instead of finishing his sentence, Taekwoon looks pointedly down toward Jaehwan’s belt.

Jaehwan becomes intensely aware of his cock still pressing hard against the waistband of his jeans. Ah, yes. That. “I’m,” he responds, hoping to deflect Taekwoon with humor.

“Come here” is all Taekwoon says in response, wrapping an arm around Jaehwan to tug him closer until they’re both lying on their sides facing each other, just enough space between them for Taekwoon to work a hand down Jaehwan’s front.

“You don’t have to,” Jaehwan whispers, suddenly nervous again. He’s done this plenty of times, this isn’t a big deal, but — it is a big deal for Taekwoon. Jaehwan can see it in the gleam in Taekwoon’s eye, the combination of nerves and excitement coming together in a unique kind of intoxication.

“Shut up,” Taekwoon replies. “I know I don’t have to. Dumbass.” For all his sharp words, his fingers are incredibly gentle as they undo the button and zipper of Jaehwan’s jeans. His hand slips inside, cupping Jaehwan through his boxers. His eyes widen almost comically. “You — okay.”

“What?” Jaehwan says, self-conscious. Dammit, he’s usually confident during sex, but he wants this to be _perfect._ He can’t stand the idea of making it through everything they have only to be stopped at this point. “Is — Is something wrong?”

“No,” Taekwoon says, sounding slightly faint. “It’s just — you’re not small.”

“Ah.” Jaehwan feels warmth rise in his cheeks. This is the first time he’s ever felt shy about that particular fact, but Taekwoon seems to be pulling all kinds of firsts out of him. “I mean, yeah. Probably.”

“What do you mean, _probably?_ ” Taekwoon demands. “I’ve felt my own dick in my hand, okay? I can feel the difference.”

Jaehwan swallows hard. “I — thank you?”

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Taekwoon says, sounding distracted. In the next moment, Jaehwan realizes why when he feels Taekwoon’s fingers wiggling through the opening in the front of his boxers to wrap around his shaft properly.

Jaehwan breathes in sharply and Taekwoon looks at him with wide eyes.

“Is this okay?” Taekwoon asks, squeezing lightly around Jaehwan’s cock, as if he needs clarification as to what Taekwoon is asking about.

“Yeah,” Jaehwan breathes. “Yeah, I’m — okay, god, don’t laugh at me, but this isn’t gonna take very long.”

Taekwoon raises an eyebrow at the same time as he trails his thumb across the head, making Jaehwan gasp. “I didn’t take very long, either.”

“But you’re a _virgin,_ ” Jaehwan whines. “I’m — it’s _different._ ”

“But you — ” Taekwoon cuts himself off, blushing and focusing instead on playing with Jaehwan’s cock in his hand. There’s enough precome, especially once Taekwoon pulls Jaehwan’s foreskin back so he can run teasing fingertips over the slick head, and Taekwoon uses it to make everything easier. It feels good, good enough that Jaehwan almost forgets to ask Taekwoon what he was going to say.

Almost.

“I what?” Jaehwan asks, his voice rough. “What were you gonna say?”

“Never mind,” Taekwoon insists, sliding Jaehwan’s foreskin over the head of his cock again before pulling it back slowly. It’s distracting, but Jaehwan has always tended to be single-minded when it comes to figuring out Taekwoon.

“Tell me,” Jaehwan wheedles, the effect slightly ruined by how breathless Taekwoon is making him.

Taekwoon bites his lip again before muttering, so lowly that Jaehwan can barely hear, “But you like me.”

“I — yeah, I do,” Jaehwan says, slightly confused.

“So, that makes a difference,” Taekwoon says as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “Right? I mean, if you like someone, it makes everything feel...more. I guess.”

Jaehwan blinks as Taekwoon’s words sink in and he realizes with a jolt that he’s not wrong. He’d never been one of those people who thought sex was just for a special someone, or that casual sex was meaningless or somehow lesser, but this — this is different. Taekwoon is right. And it isn’t that Jaehwan wasn’t aware that it would be different, throwing feelings and attachment into this whole sex thing, but...he wasn’t aware that he would like it this much.

But as he looks at Taekwoon’s face, a little ridiculously somber considering that he’s still got his hand on Jaehwan’s dick, he realizes he does. He likes it kind of a stupid amount.

“Well, shit,” he says out loud. “You’re right.”

“I usually am,” Taekwoon says, playing with Jaehwan’s cock in a way that shouldn’t be bringing him so close to the edge so fast, but it _is._ Taekwoon’s fingers are a little clumsy and his grip isn’t quite as firm as Jaehwan usually likes it, but he can already feel the heat curling in his gut. “So, does that mean you’re going to — you know, soon?”

“Yeah,” Jaehwan says, voice tight. “I’m gonna _you know_ real quick.”

Taekwoon giggles and leans forward to kiss Jaehwan, and Jaehwan can feel the smile against his lips. The kiss is messy, like it usually is once they’re pretty far gone, and Taekwoon’s hand feels so good on him and his body is close enough that Jaehwan can feel the warmth all along his own. It all comes together, almost too fast, and he’s coming before he can warn Taekwoon. He can feel the heat of his own come landing in his boxers and on Taekwoon’s hand, and he moans into Taekwoon’s mouth, not so much kissing as just pressing their mouths together at this point.

Taekwoon keeps touching him through it, albeit more timidly now, as if he isn’t sure what to do at this stage. Jaehwan realizes he isn’t, obviously he can’t be. He doesn’t know when to stop because he doesn’t have the feedback of his own body to tell him. It makes a final shiver course through Jaehwan, and he moans loudly before finally relaxing, practically melting into the mattress.

Taekwoon draws his hand out of Jaehwan’s boxers, blinking at the mess on it and looking nonplussed. “What do I…?”

“Tissues,” Jaehwan grunts, still feeling a little knocked out. God, when’s the last time a handjob got to him this badly? “It’s the same as jerking off, isn’t it?”

Taekwoon wrinkles his nose. “But it’s not _mine._ ”

“What, my jizz isn’t good enough for your tissues?” Jaehwan says, rolling over on his back.

“Maybe it isn’t,” Taekwoon replies. “Maybe I should just wipe it on your shirt — ”

“ _No,_ ” Jaehwan says, scandalized. “This is _Balenciaga._ ”

Taekwoon blinks. “Why...the fuck...do you own a designer brand shirt? You live in a shitty studio apartment and you don’t even have a bed, but you have _that?_ ”

“I prioritize!” Jaehwan protests.

“You prioritize a shirt over...everything else?” Taekwoon asks, sounding scandalized. “Over a _bed?_ ”

“To be fair,” Jaehwan says, “I got this when I was still living off my parents’ money. I just couldn’t bring myself to pawn it off when I left because...it’s _Balenciaga,_ Taekwoon. It was a gift from my dear great-aunt.”

Taekwoon blinks. “I — someday, we’re gonna talk about all the shit you make passing jokes about, okay? Because you can’t just say things like that and expect me to brush it off.”

“I — ” Jaehwan stops, unsure of how to continue. He’s never been faced with this before, really. He’s never had someone who didn’t push for answers, but still let him know they want to listen. It’s a comfortable middle ground that he’s never tread before. “That sounds good.”

“Okay,” Taekwoon says, scooting closer on the bed. “It’s a date.”

“Yeah,” Jaehwan says, trying not to let his voice betray how much Taekwoon’s words have affected him.

“Oh, and Jaehwan?”

“Yeah?” Jaehwan asks, his heart in his throat.

“The tissues are on your side. Pass them here.”

Jaehwan snorts, but is grateful for the excuse to distract himself, sitting up to reach over and grab the tissues from the nightstand. He tosses them to Taekwoon, who fumbles as he catches them with his one clean hand. Once he’s gotten the worst of the mess off, he lies back down on the bed and wriggles under the comforter, pouting up at Jaehwan.

“What?” Jaehwan asks.

Taekwoon just pouts harder in response.

Jaehwan hesitates for a second, but then tosses caution to the wind and joins Taekwoon under the blanket, tangling their legs together. Taekwoon makes a small contented noise, burrowing into Jaehwan’s chest despite the fact that he’s taller, curling up as if to make it easier for Jaehwan to wrap himself around him.

Jaehwan lets his mind wander, his hand absently stroking over Taekwoon’s hair. He’s pulled out of his thoughts by Taekwoon saying quietly, “Jaehwan?”

“Yeah?” Jaehwan says, fully prepared for Taekwoon to ask him to get up and grab something else for him.

Instead, Taekwoon just presses his face closer to Jaehwan’s neck and whispers, “Thank you.”

Jaehwan feels a smile spread unbidden across his face and he tries to hide it in Taekwoon’s hair. “Yeah,” he replies softly. “And Taekwoon?”

“Yes?”

Jaehwan presses a kiss to Taekwoon’s forehead. “Thank you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a lil epilogue left!! thank y'all so much for all the support, this project has been my baby for so long, and the response i've gotten from y'all has encouraged and inspired me so much!! ♡♡♡


	17. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For all that Jaehwan feels like he was born to be onstage, it’s been a while since he was last actually on one. The stage makeup, the slightly ill-fitting clothing, the bustle of everyone frantically trying to make sure everything is going to go just right — these he welcomes with open arms. They feel like home. He’s missed this.
> 
> But when he peeks out to look over the audience, something feels...off, like something’s missing.

For all that Jaehwan feels like he was born to be onstage, it’s been a while since he was last actually on one. The stage makeup, the slightly ill-fitting clothing, the bustle of everyone frantically trying to make sure everything is going to go just right — these he welcomes with open arms. They feel like home. He’s missed this.

But when he peeks out to look over the audience, something feels...off, like something’s missing.

It’s still an audience, he tells himself. They’re here to watch him, they _paid_ to watch him, and that should mean more than anyone coming out of any sense of obligation —

His memory still supplies the image of the last time he was performing on a stage like this, though. He remembers his parents sitting in the crowd, the bouquet of roses they’d given him afterward, the way they’d looked at him like he’d actually made them proud for once. He knows he’s better off right now, but there’s still something deep in his chest that aches at the thought of them smiling at him, showing him off to their friends.

There’s still something buried deep inside him that he doesn’t think he’ll ever fully be free of, something that tells him that being a good son is more important than anything else he’ll do with his life. He’s not sure if it’s a Korean thing or a shitty parents thing or some unfortunate combination of a lot of things in his life, but it’s still there, rooted inside him. If he tried to extricate himself from it, he’s not sure if he’d be left in one piece by the end of it.

His parents aren’t in this audience. Obviously. There’s no reason they should be. They don’t even know where Jaehwan is right now, they have no idea he’s in a school performance.

Even when he tells himself he doesn’t need them there, there’s a part of him that’s convinced he still wants them there. A lot of times, he can’t tell which part is right.

“What’re you thinking about?” a voice says close behind him, and Jaehwan startles and turns to face Taekwoon.

Jaehwan flounders for a moment for what to say. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to tell Taekwoon or talk to him about this, but...maybe right before their opening night isn’t the time. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to keep it together after talking about his parents and all the baggage that came with them, and he’s not about to jeopardize everyone’s work on opening night just because he has some long-buried trauma. He’s dealt with it for almost twenty-two years, he can continue to deal with it now.

As he tries to find the words to say, he looks anywhere but at Taekwoon, as if eye contact will spill everything he’s trying to keep a lid on. His eyes land on Hakyeon, who looks vaguely frazzled, barking out orders at equally-frazzled-looking undergrads and an extremely unimpressed-looking Hongbin. As far as Jaehwan knows, Hongbin stopped by to bring Wonsik a coffee and Hakyeon somehow roped him into helping with the show. Hongbin looks none too pleased about the situation, but he’s still helping to move set pieces, a good head taller than most of the undergrads originally tasked with the job.

As Jaehwan watches, Sanghyuk steps up behind Hakyeon, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing a quick kiss to Hakyeon’s ear. Hakyeon snaps something before his face softens slightly and he turns in Sanghyuk’s arms, already looking apologetic. Sanghyuk just giggles, leaning down for a kiss right there, in front of god and everyone. It’s disgustingly domestic and sweet, and Jaehwan realizes with a start that that’s probably what he and Taekwoon look like. Hell, it’s probably what Hongbin and Wonsik look like when Hongbin actually bothers to put his shark teeth away and pull the stick out of his ass.

It hits him then that this — this is what he’d wanted, this is what he’d been talking about when he told Taekwoon about wanting his _people._ Even with all the ups and downs and misunderstandings, this is still the most at home he’s ever felt with a group of people. At the same time, it’s the first time he’s felt like he’s starting to get a tangible grip on who he is, on what it means to actually be Lee Jaehwan and not just the sum of everything that’s happened to him.

He realizes he can see a future for himself where he’s actually happy. Even after he’d left his parents’ house and moved cross-country and transferred schools, it had felt like he was chasing after an unreachable dream.

Now, though. Now, it’s finally starting to feel real.

“Oh, you know,” he says, meeting Taekwoon’s eyes and speaking with a lightness that he actually feels for the first time in a long time. “I was just thinking, god _damn,_ there are a lot of yellow people here.”

Taekwoon snorts, his eyes crinkling as his face breaks into a smile, and Jaehwan can’t help but smile back. It’s so different from the first time Jaehwan had said those exact words to him, and it makes him feel stupidly warm, like he’s brimming with something like hope. He knows it won’t last forever, but — the fact that he feels it at all is unfamiliar but welcome.

And then Hakyeon is ushering everyone to their spots, frantically hissing at Wonsik in the soundbooth through his phone the whole way. They take their places onstage, well-practiced but buzzing with new energy now. When Jaehwan looks up, Sanghyuk is still looking off into the wings, the fondness softening the corners of his eyes making it obvious who he’s looking at.

Jaehwan chances a look himself and sees Taekwoon standing there, waiting until his entrance in the second scene. Taekwoon gives him a thumbs up and a small smile, and Jaehwan responds with a wink, grinning when it gets a laugh out of Taekwoon.

And then the lights are coming on, the music is starting, and the show is getting underway. Jaehwan schools his features into an appropriate expression, slipping into the role of Peter. This is a much more preferable sort of acting to what he’s been doing all his life, after all.

He glances at Taekwoon in the wings one more time, feeling almost giddy just from a moment of eye contact, and he holds onto that feeling as the chorus begins around him.

And with that, Jaehwan begins to sing.

**Author's Note:**

> so i definitely have some thank yous to say for this fic. thank you to mara for listening to my constant complaining, being my number one cheerleader throughout, and sitting on the google doc for hours with me while i bitched about how hard writing is. thank you to lauren, who helped me outline this monster of a story, and who is my own personal hakyeon. and thank you to jenna, who has always been one of my greatest writing inspirations and one of my dearest, most favorite people in the world. i love you all so much.
> 
> and of course thank you so so so much to everyone who has left comments or messaged me about this fic! i don't know if i could have stuck with it and seen it through to the end if i hadn't had so much encouragement and support. writing this fic was incredibly important to me, and having y'all here with me as i wrote it meant so much ♡ thank you!!
> 
> come talk to me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/mianderings) or [tumblr](http://dearings.tumblr.com)! ♡


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